Tuesday, October 31, 2006

Click for Cans- Win Free Soup for the Needy in Indianapolis!

Thanks to Ange for sending us this link.

Campbell's Soup is holding a competition between NFL team cities. All we do is vote for our favorite team, and that team wins a bunch of soup for the food bank of its choice. They agree to donate one can for every pound of player on the winning team. Apparently, you can vote multiple times.

Initially, I thought for sure that I would just vote for Indianapolis, because I live here and am selfish would want to help out my community. But then I got to thinking, "I should take a brief moment to consider the best possible option for my vote."

I figured that the homeless in Jacksonville probably have it better off than the homeless in Buffalo, if only because the weather is better. Especially with winter knocking at our door. So maybe we should vote for the team who has the neediest of the needy. I think this is a good rule that we should follow. Therefore the following teams should be eliminated from consideration (due to warmer climate and therefore, less needy homeless. Obviously):
2)San Francisco
3)Tampa Bay
5)San Diego
11)New Orleans

Next I thought that we should probably vote for the larger cities, because they may have the highest number of needy. But au contraire. If we only get so many soup cans, dividing them amongst a great number diminishes the value of each can. Therefore the needy receive less of a can than they might in a smaller city. We would only be whetting the appetite of already starving people. For shame! So we can therefore eliminate the following teams:
12)New York (Jets)
13)New York (Giants)

We've now successfully eliminated half of our options. So I went to the website and looked at who was actually in contention. There are really only four teams who stand a chance, so we can eliminate the following:
20)New England
25)St. Louis
27)Kansas City

Green Bay has won every time thus far, so they should be eliminated on the grounds that their homeless are well fed.
29)Green Bay

Any homeless who are stupid enough to stay in Pittsburgh during the winter don't deserve any free soup, so we can eliminate them with a clean conscience.

That leaves two teams: Cincinnati and Indianapolis. Since the homeless "get paid" on a per pound basis, wouldn't the greater good be to vote for the team that has the most girth? That way we can guarantee the most soup per homeless man.

Indianapolis-13,613 lbs.
Cincinnati-16,202 lbs.

??!! Good Lord! Any team that weighs roughly 2,600 pounds more than another has a serious problem! Try eating half of your normal diet and giving the rest to the needy in your community for pete's sake! Selfish animals. Clearly we cannot vote for a team this gluttonous. They could easily provide for their homeless if they would stop feeding the Shamu-sized appetites of their NFL players.

So we can unmistakably see that the best way to provide the most soup to the neediest of people is to vote for Indianapolis. I encourage you all to take the time to vote for our fair city and its needier inhabitants. Even if you don't live in Indy, it's clearly your duty to vote for us. Otherwise, how could you possibly sleep at night?

So vote now! Click here to vote...For Indianapolis!

PS-They also give out soup for the most improved team. Indy is in the running for that, so we really need the votes. We could possibly get double the soup, which is another reason to vote for us. Spread the word!!!

Monday, October 30, 2006

Inspirational Weekend

Those of you who read this blog frequently have probably noticed a recurring theme of mine. No, not the off-color and immature remarks on male behavior. I'm talking about my discontentment with my work and what I want to do with my life. So this weekend it was nice to get out and see a few people who seem to be doing what they love and are making a living at the same time.

Friday night I got to see Mat Kearney play at The Music Mill (which is a great venue, by the way). He put on a good show, nothing spectacular. I would've like to hear more of just he and the piano, but that's just me.

Seeing him play made me want to go start up a band and tour around the country doing concerts. This frequently happens with me when I see someone doing what they love and getting paid for it. For example, if I hear about some web-IT-type guy who's making a living working for some software company and loves it, then I want to go out and be a technology guru. Or if I hear about a train conductor who loves running trains, then I want to do that too. Or a guy who makes a Million Dollar Webpage. But who doesn't want that?

As a side note, it amazes me how many people pay good money to go see a concert, then spend the whole time just talking. Half the people there didn't even pay attention to the show. Crazy. I hate watching a large room full of desperate singles size each other up like pieces of meat. Especially when many of the men look twice my age. Anyways...

Then Saturday was my mom's birthday, who finally turned 35 (*cough*). To celebrate, we went to Bertolini's (best calamari I've had in a long time) and then to the symphony. That was awesome and I couldn't believe how talented the young South Korean pianist was. Her hands just floated over the keys and somehow hit all the right notes. Of course that made me want to go become a concert pianist.

Sunday was church, which made me want to go be a better Christian. Fr.D. told the story of the Atheist Barber. Interestingly enough, when I tried to find the story online, the first site I found was from an atheist. So here's his site, including the story and what he thinks of it.

Then we watched the Colts game, which was very entertaining, but doesn't exactly instill confidence in Colts fans. Good to get another win though. And that made me want to be Peyton Manning.

Friday, October 27, 2006


Well it's Friday and I don't have anything in particular to write about, so I'm just going to leave you a few places to visit if you're bored. And this riddle:

"If you had an infinite supply of water and a 5 quart and 3 quart pail, how would you measure exactly 4 quarts?"

If you know the answer, perhaps just keep it to yourself and glow with pride. No need to ruin it for the rest of us. And now for some links:

The FFA came to town, Bill Benner and Jason discuss their experiences with these fine folks.

Here are some extreme pumpkin carvings.

Joel is raising money to buy a computer for a family in need.

A man takes a photo of himself every day for eight years. See him age in a matter of seconds. Best is when he starts growing his hair out.

Paint like Jackson Pollock. This is awesome!

Terry did an awesome wire sculpture if you haven't seen.

Scot Adams got his voice back, if you hadn't already heard.

I've updated the scariest things on the internet, if you haven't checked it recently. Please help if you find anything scary out there.

I may add more interesting links throughout the day, if I'm bored enough. TGIF!

Thursday, October 26, 2006

I Hate Ziggy!

I've hated Ziggy cartoons for as long as I can remember. I don't think I've ever found a Ziggy comic that was funny, or even slightly amusing. I know that he is inspiring for many folks, and there must be tons of people out there who like him. I'm just not one of those people.

The ironic thing is that I used to always check the comics and see what the daily Ziggy was. The sole purpose for doing so, was to see how not-funny Ziggy could be. I actually enjoyed the non-funniness more than average cartoons and began to look forward to it.

I'm not sure exactly why I dislike Ziggy so much. Other than his not being funny. Cathy isn't funny. Marmaduke isn't funny. Dennis the Menace definitely isn't funny. So, that's not why I hate him.

It's also not because the drawings suck. They definitely suck, but Dilbert isn't drawn well and it's one of my favorite comics. So, I still can't quite put my finger on it. Maybe it's because Ziggy is so dang optimistic. Who knows.

Anyways, now there's a site for people who don't like Ziggy. I can go there to read Ziggy cartoons with others who don't like him. It's called I Hate Ziggy, and it looks fairly new. It's actually pretty generic, but at least it's a place where I don't feel guilty reading Ziggy cartoons. And each entry ends with an emphatic, "Damn you Ziggy!"

Ten Things I'm Tired Of

1) My job: Specifically, not knowing what I want to do with my life and feeling like it’s currently being wasted at my job.

2) Homeownership: Specifically, paying the bills and fixing things that are broken.

3) Driving: Specifically, traffic and knowing that my car is slowly becoming useless.

4) My neighborhood: Specifically, the two houses on my block occupied by thieves and dealers who disrespect women and don’t give a crap about anything.

5) Celebrities: Specifically, the people who spend more time being concerned about celebrities than they do on their own life. And celebrities who think their opinion matters more than others in regard to politics, religion, sex, etc.

6) Julia Carson.

7) Cartoons that aren’t funny: Specifically, Ziggy.

8) Having to trim my nails: What a waste of time.

9) Hypocrites.

10) Top Ten Lists.

Wednesday, October 25, 2006

Dog Whisperer: Changing America, One Bitch at a Time

If you haven't seen the Dog Whisperer, you're missing an amazing show. It's like a cross between the Crocodile Hunter and Nanny 911. Only for dogs.

When man's best friend goes bad, Cesar Millan comes to the rescue. He visits with the owners of disruptive dogs and helps explain what needs to change. It's always the humans who end up getting trained and it's one of the most entertaining shows I've seen in a long time.

The episode we watched last night had a lady who loved pink. If I remember right, her exact words were, "Pink is my passion." I never knew a color could be a passion, but if it's possible, this woman does it. Needless to say, she has successfully dyed her dog pink. Poor pup. You can view part of it here. (sorry about the commercial)

The other awesome one had this dog who just got pampered all the time. The owner would carry him wherever she wanted him to go. It got to the point where he wouldn't move unless she tricked him into thinking he was going to visit a friend. They have this hilarious shot of her literally dragging him around by the leash, and he just lays there. It looks so funny and I can't find a clip of it. You'll just have to watch the episode.

Anyways, it's a great program and I suggest you watch it sometime. Cesar is amazing with dogs. It's so sweet. It's funny how every owner's biggest problem is humanizing the dog. We always think of them as humans and part of the family and they just don't respond to that. So he explains how to be a pack leader and talk to a dog on its own terms. Simple, yet genius. Here's a clip of the preview for the upcoming season. That's the pink lady.

Tuesday, October 24, 2006

Harry Potter and Order of the Phoenix: Big Mistake or I'm Retarded?

Well, I never thought I'd be doing a blog post on Harry Potter, but I never thought I'd read the books either. Technically I haven't, but I just finished listening to the fifth book in the series: "The Order of the Phoenix." It was very good, as is the whole series, but one thing really bothered me.


Okay, so let me preface this by saying that I haven't finished book six and that may change everything. I repeat, "I haven't read book six!" So if you have some comment that clarifies things and it reveals information about book six, please KEEP IT TO YOURSELF. That's just not cool. I'll be honestly pissed at you and will find a way to exact my revenge.

So Sirius Black (and if I misspell anything, it's cause I haven't seen any text. Sorry. I'll fix any mistakes if you'll enlighten me) gets killed near the end of the book. Then Harry gets everything explained to him...

Oh yeah, that reminds me. Stupid public library book on tape got jacked up right when Dumbledore explains everything. I was so ticked. I had to look up what happened, and probably still don't know everything. Fudge. Phil, I may need to borrow your book on Friday to make sure. Thanks.

So at the very end Harry finds the gift that Sirius gave to him for Christmas or something. It's that two way mirror and all Harry has to do is say Sirius' name and they'll be able to talk through it. I was like, "What the fudge? He's finding this now?" This is huge, because had Harry known about it, he wouldn't have needed to go to the ministry to "save" Sirius.

It was hard for me to maintain a "willing suspension of disbelief" for this part of the story. Mostly because I didn't want Sirius to die and was trying to think of ways it could have been prevented. So then this mirror shows up and I get all ticked. The reason it doesn't make since is because there were at least two previous times (probably more) when Harry needed to talk to Sirius and went to great lengths to do so. It seems like Sirius would mention the mirror at one of these occasions. As in, "Hey Harry, why don't you do us both a big favor and just use that mirror I gave you?"

So, why did Rowling even put the mirror in the story? Harry even ends up breaking it. If it was just to show that Harry had a deep hope that Sirius was still alive, I would think there are a million better ways to do it. Introducing a magic mirror at the end of the book just didn't make sense to me.

Like I said, I HAVEN'T READ THE SIXTH BOOK, so maybe the mirror comes into play later and Sirius is really alive or something. If he isn't though, I see no point to having that magic mirror. It just makes no sense. If you disagree, I'll be more than happy to hear your reasons.

Anyways, I'm just ticked that Sirius is dead. I'm sure I'll be even more upset by the end of the sixth one.


So if you haven't read the Harry Potter books, they're worth reading.

Monday, October 23, 2006

ABBA: The Gift that Just Keeps Giving

I'm not a huge ABBA fan. Not a fan at all really. I enjoy their music as much as the next guy, and I didn't really mind when my cubemate here at work decided that our entire office would enjoy listening to two solid hours of ABBA.

So we've been listening for a while now, and I only know one song. The greatest part of the day was when Chuck popped his head up out of his cube and said, "This just makes me want to be a young Swedish girl."

Bless you Chuck. You sweet man, you.

Friday, October 20, 2006

We've All Got Itchy Feet

As I was driving home from work yesterday, I noticed a man walking along the side of the road. It was raining a bit, and he was nowhere near any gas stations, so I figured he could use a ride. I pulled over and the man hopped in.

He introduced himself as John, although I doubt that was his real name. Not that it matters.
“Where you headed John?” I asked.
“Well, where are you going?” he replied.

This is a bit like calling someone on the phone and then when they ask you, “Who is this?” you reply, “Who is this?” It’s just not normal. But, I digress.

I had quite a way to go to get home, so I just said, “To the interstate up here.”
“Which one?”
“465. Why, where you headed?” I attempted again.
“Las Vegas,” he finally replied. “I need I-70 West.”

“You need a bit more than that,” I thought to myself.

That was the conversation that started our brief 30 minute relationship, while I drove him to my neighborhood and I-70 West.

I actually learned a lot about John in that thirty minutes or so. He has a son who’s going to college in San Francisco. John’s meeting him in Las Vegas. He has a daughter who has children of her own, living in Minnesota. He has two more children who I know nothing about.

John is thirty-four years old and has been hitch-hiking around the US (and parts of Europe) for twenty years or so. He just gets the urge to go somewhere (“itchy feet,” is how he describes it) and starts heading that direction. He’ll ride along with anyone going his way.

When John was fourteen, he found out his girlfriend was pregnant.
“Wow, I can’t imagine.” That’s the only reply I could muster when hearing about all of this.
“Yeah, that sure changed my life,” he replied.

John said he married that same girlfriend four years later. But, before they had spent a year together, they had gotten divorced.
“I just couldn’t stand her anymore. I got itchy feet, you know?”

He readily admits that it was probably his fault things didn’t work out with them.

He asked about my wife, and I explained that we haven’t even been married a year yet.
“I hope to God we do alright,” I stated, trying to empathize with this man who had absolutely nothing in common with me.

“You will. You love each other don’t you?”
“You will. You will because you love her. My wife and I never loved each other. We sure cared a whole lot about each other, though.”

I asked if he ever kept in touch with her.
“No, she passed away.”

I imagine John’s probably somewhere outside of St. Louis by now. Maybe further. My encounter with John got me thinking about all sorts of different things, and I don’t have time to talk about all of them right now. However, two things he talked about really struck me.

First was that he understood how love changes everything. Even if his understanding of love is different from mine, there’s something inside him that believes this. And he knows enough about it to know that whatever he had with his wife, it wasn’t love.

John also expressed the longing we all have to live a different life. We’re not supposed to feel comfortable in this world. We weren't made for it. Gonzo put it well when he sang, “I've never been there, but I know the way.”

But I think John put it best when he plainly and honestly stated,
“I got itchy feet, you know?”

Wednesday, October 18, 2006

Work Sucks

I think I'm officially ready for a new job. I'm so tired of just working to get paid.

My job is to take large documents and dumb them down for people who make five times my salary. The following is an example of a sentence I had to rewrite. Yes, it really is only one sentence. It was written by people who make ten times my salary:
"It shall be unlawful for any person to lease or make a sale or contract for sale of goods, wares, merchandise, machinery, supplies, or other commodities, or services, whether patented or unpatented, for use, consumption, enjoyment, or resale, or fix a price charged therefor, or discount from, or rebate upon, such price, on the condition, agreement, or understanding that the lessee or purchaser thereof shall not use or deal in the goods, wares, merchandise, machinery, supplies, or other commodity or services of a competitor or competitors of the lessor or seller, where the effect of such lease, sale, or contract for such sale or such condition, agreement, or understanding may be to substantially lessen competition or tend to create a monopoly in any line of commerce."

I'm not going to get into the irony of it all. I just wish I knew what I wanted to do for a living.

FYI- Here's the finalized, edited version:
"Don't jeopardize our free market economy! Moron! And quit paying people smarter than you to write your laws!"

What Makes a Voice Annoying?

Okay, I work at a place where it is necessary to record audio. We have a couple people who come in throughout the week to do the recordings. For some reason, one of them just really annoys me. If I hear her having a conversation with somebody, that's fine. But when she turns on her "recorder" voice, or whatever the heck it's called, it's soooo annoying.

The odd thing is that I have no idea why. It's not the words she's saying, because half the time I can't understand them. It really bothers me that I can't pin down exactly why her voice annoys me. It just makes my skin crawl.

She doesn't have a lisp, it's not unusually high or low, there's no accent that I can trace. What the heck! It must be something in the cadence or rhythm. Whatever it is, I can't stand it.

That may be what's annoying me so much. If I could just say, "Man, her voice is annoying because she sounds exactly like Beaker from the Muppets," then I think I could handle it. It's like freakishly close to being a normal voice, but just barely off, which gives me this disturbing feeling in my stomach. Make it stop!

If anyone has any information on what makes a pleasant, or unpleasant voice, please let me know. I'm going crazy here.

Tuesday, October 17, 2006

MySpam #4: "Be a Man."

Ah, the joy of spam mail. As I found myself lacking content for a blog post today, a quick glance through my spam mail provided just what I needed.

Here’s the familiar setup. Subject line: “mine now.” From: “Be a Man.” This time it was the spammer’s handle that caught my attention and drew me into his web.

I should have guessed that this was a male enhancement email, which may not have prevented me from reading it, but would have at least prepared me. The first line of the email was a pleasant salutation: “Greetings!” It was all down hill from there.

“### ManXL - Have a Bigger Penis Now ###”

Then came the second funniest part of the email:

“You've read about them in the papers...You've seen them on the news...
Now is the time - # You can have a bigger Penis too ##”

I’ve read about them in the papers? Seen them on the news? It’s funny that they never say what it is I’ve seen in the papers. I’m assuming they mean the drugs I would be taking, but technically they could be talking about those who have taken them. Either way, that was the second funniest line.

Next came a description of the effects of this miracle drug: “100 % safe with no side effects, all natural herbal ingredients, etc.” The “etc.” is inappropriate for this blog and included words like, “1-3 inches,”"hard," “permanently,” “drive,” “rock,” and “erect.” Not inappropriate words in themselves, but when strung together, they can be slightly offensive. And now for my favorite part of the email, which forced me to include it in my list of favorite Myspams: the closing.


My email waste your time? Excuse me there


It was the “excuse me there” that got me. No D, you didn’t waste my time. Quite the contrary. If only every spam email was this entertaining.

Here’s a list of the other MySpams I enjoy.

"Sword" from "Samurai"
Mind Control Powers
Rob Huge Banks and Get Away With It

Monday, October 16, 2006


This is disturbing and yet hilarious, so I thought I'd share. To protect the innocent, I won't tell you where I work. I'm assuming the chances of this person ever reading my blog are fairly slim. And I don't know their name.

I was just informed that one of our sales guys had to get into a client's account for some reason. In order for this sales person to get into the account, he needed his client's username and password. I don't know the username, but the client's password was "butthole69."

This is disturbing, until you try to imagine the conversation that took place in order to garner this information. Then it becomes hilarious.

I would list a few possible conversations for you, but it would probably be inappropriate and I'm sure you can come up with your own. There's plenty of material here for you.

Just remember that no matter how secret you think your password may be, there is sure to come a time when you'll have to share it with someone. And that someone will more than likely share it with his entire office. And someone in that office will more than likely have a blog. And that blog will more than likely contain a post that shares your password with the entire world. That is all.

Dan and Emily Got Hitched!

This weekend was simply, "The Weekend of Dan and Emily."

Friday night we had the bachelor party and timios in my garage. It was a great time. We started off with a timios, which is where a group of men gather to offer wisdom and advice to the soon-to-be married bachelor. Each time you say something, you’re supposed to donate some money as well. So, at least Dan got some money, since there probably wasn’t much wisdom within our group.

It was nice to see some of the older men show up too. Pops was there, which always cracks me up. There were two highlights for me that night:

1) When my dad went outside to relieve himself in our yard, my blind female renter had taken her “seeing-eye dog” (is that what it’s called?) out to do the same. She ran up to my dad and started smelling around him and jumping around getting excited.* My dad tried to stay quiet, but finally had to reveal himself. Poor guy.

2) When Brian tried to drop kick the inflatable phallic “ring-toss pole" and slipped. He connected, the “pole” exploded and sent sand flying everywhere, and Brian fell backwards to the floor. Very Charlie Brown-esque.

We ended the night with some beer pong and hopefully Dan had a good time.

Most of Saturday was spent recovering from Friday night. Then we had the rehearsal dinner. Good food and good times there. After that was a few epic games of Monopoly. We played with six players for the first time and it was pretty fun. Not surprisingly, I won the first game. Unfortunately, Ike barely won the second game and will return to Alaska with that honor. Dangit.

Sunday was the wedding and it was beautiful as most Orthodox weddings are. I wish I had pictures, but I don’t. Weddings are definitely more enjoyable after you’ve already had your own. Brings back good memories.

So anyways, congratulations to Dan and Emily, God grant them many years and as was so eloquently stated on many occasions during the timios: “Good Luck.”

*Yes, I was talking about the dog. Idiot.

Friday, October 13, 2006

Scariest Things Extended

Well, I didn't have near enough time to do what I wanted to, so I'm going to extend the scariest things post until Halloween. That should give me plenty of time to find lots of scary stuff, and I'd appreciate any help from anyone who reads this. I'll leave a link to it somewhere on the main page for the future. Thanks and have fun with it!

Scariest things on the Internet

My Two Year Blogversary

I was looking through my archives today and noticed that it's my blog's birthday! That's crazy. I started this thing two years ago. Glad I did, it's been a lot of fun. In honor of this blog's birthday, I decided to pick some of my favorite posts over the past two years. Most of the good ones are buried deep in the archives, but a few stand out to me. Unfortunately, most of the comments were from my Haloscan days, so you're missing out on a few good discussions as well. Okay, here are a few of my personal favorites.

Why I blog: To Blog or Not to Blog

Ran out of time today. I'll try to update this later. Sorry.

Scariest Things On The Internet

Because of the popularity of this webpage, I will continue to add scary things that I find on the internet. If you would like to submit something that you find on the internet that scares you, just leave a comment. Thanks.

Scariest Things Ever (in no particular order):

20) The Dnepropetrovsk Maniacs (3 Guys 1 Hammer), Luka Magnotta (1 Lunatic 1 Ice Pick), et al.
There are a disturbing amount of "gore" type videos that depict mutilations, murders, and the like.  I am adding these to this list, because it is certainly frightening to think of what some humans are capable of doing.  These videos aren't really the type of scary stuff that this page is focused on, but if we're talking about the scariest things on the internet, this list wouldn't be complete without them.

Due to the graphic nature of most of those videos, no direct links will be provided.  However, if for some reason your curiosity gets the best of you and you still want to see them, they can be easily found at most of the gore-sites out there.  You should be warned that the videos are highly disturbing, disgusting, sickening, etc. and will likely leave you with a gross feeling in your stomach and the inability to get the pictures out of your head.  Honestly, I suggest you leave that part of the internet alone.

19) Bongcheon-Dong Ghost
The Bongcheon-Dong Ghost is a story based on true eyewitness accounts. Apparently, a woman in Seoul had lost her 2 year old daughter due to a divorce. She committed suicide by jumping off of an apartment building. Since that day, her ghost has been seen walking the streets. Click the link below to read a comic-story about one of these encounters.  It is without a doubt one of the scariest things on the internet.  Keep your sound on.

Bongcheon-Dong Ghost

18) The Anneliese Michel Exorcism Audio Tapes
Anneliese Michel was the girl who's story is told in The Exorcism of Emily Rose. The audio tapes were recorded during the attempted exorcism ritual. I don't know why whoever edited the audio into this video added choral music to the background, but it doesn't take away from making this one of the scariest things on the internet. If you believe listening to this stuff might open doors or whatever, please DO NOT push play. No joke.

17) Angry Demon Cat
Demon cat screams. See video. Fore more on the demon cat, click here.

16) Old Woman's Eye Socket Teeming With Maggots
This video is quite disturbing. The title says it all. I hate to think how an old woman can start decaying while she's still alive. Worst part is how she moans the whole time. Not for the squeamish:

Old Woman's Eye

15) Crime Scene Photos
Thanks to The Joking Wulf for this latest entry. This website contains various photos from real crime scenes. Although I'm not sure exactly why anyone would want to spend their time going through these photos, I cannot deny that they are some of the scariest things on the internet. So, view at your own risk:

Crime Scene Photos

14) Salad Fingers
Salad fingers is a lonely green man who lives in the middle of nowhere. And yes, that does sound scary. If you enjoy this type of disturbing scariness, click the link to see more of David Firth's work. Link: More Disturbing Scariness

13) Car Advertisement Goes Horribly Wrong
The story behind this one is that while they were filming the following advertisement, one of the crew members suffered from a massive heart attack (of course, the details vary from story to story). The scary part is that they were filming during his "death" and at the moment he dies, some white mist (or a ghost) appears across the road in this video. Look closely as the car drives out from behind the trees. Pretty freaky.

12) Scary Maze Game
Okay, supposedly if you can get to the end of this difficult maze game, they'll show you some scary, graphic video. I actually cannot beat the game (tried for the past 20 minutes and gave up), but if anyone out there can do it, please let me know what you find. Good luck and godspeed:

Scary Maze Game.

If you enjoyed that one, try this one as well:
Scary Maze

11) The Bud Dwyer Suicide
Bud Dwyer was a Pennsylvania politician who committed suicide during a press conference. This video is extremely disturbing. You must be 18 or over to view. This is not a joke, please view with extreme caution. It's a messed up video and I honestly wish I had never seen it. It definitely belongs on the list of scariest things on the internet. This is your last warning, you are viewing at your own risk: Bud Dwyer Suicide Video.

10) Dolls
Here is a post I've already written on the thing that scares me more than anything else on this planet: Dolls. No joke.
Dolls are the scariest

More than enough evidence here to support this

9) Jingle Bells Reversed
My dad actually sent this one to me. They play a version of jingle bells in reverse and it's messed up! It's probably not really being played in reverse, but it's still pretty darn scary. At least it scared me.

8) Clowns
Clowns have always scared me. This is definitely one of the scariest things on the net. No need to watch the whole thing, but you get the idea.

7) Doll Parts
Thanks to monkey for these next two entries (see comments). First she mentioned doll parts. Obviously, one of the only things scarier than dolls would be seeing their dismembered parts strewn about.

6) Ventriloquist Dummies
Of course! I can't believe I hadn't thought of them. It's obvious why they are so scary: they are realistic dolls who have a slight resemblance to clowns and can speak and blink on their own. These things are definitely scary. I don't care who you are, you have to admit that. Here's a link to a site with a bunch of dummies. Photos below are from the same site: Puppets and Props

And here's a video that is absolute proof that ventriloquist dummies are scary:

5) Haunted Portraits
This next site isn't really scary in itself, but what it sells would scare me to death. Imagine walking through a friends house, or your grandparents, or just somewhere really scary, and seeing a wall full of portraits. As you walk past them, you swear that one of them changes. And changes into something scary. Then it changes right back. I'd be freaked. Anyways, the site is Haunted Portraits, and that's what they sell. I seriously want one. Check out the site and here's an example of what one looks like. My personal favoirte:

See how this portrait changes here

4) Evil Potpourri
Personally, I think dolls are scary enough just as they are. However, I have found a site that actually makes them scarier. Jaimie creates little scary doll babies and sells them to people who must be absolutely insane. I would never sleep with one of these in the house. Her site is Evil Potpourri, and here are a couple examples:

(photos ussed with permission)

3) It Puts the Lotion On Its Skin
Okay, this is really freaky. Before you watch this, I must say that I only put this here cause it’s scary. Whatever. This video is a song by the group Greenskeepers. They took footage from Silence of the Lambs to make the video and it’s messed up. The chorus and title come from the movie line, “It puts the lotion on its skin. Or else it gets the hose again.” Yeah, freaky. You’ve been warned.

2) Damaged Corpse
A site that has a ton of scary dolls. Here are some examples:

Damaged Corpse

1) You tell me.

Thursday, October 12, 2006

Giving NaNoWriMo Another Go!

Most of you probably know that November is National Novel Writing Month, or "NaNoWriMo" for short. Well, maybe most of you don't know that. If you didn't, now you do. At this point I'm just writing words so that this first paragraph will cover the entirety of the small pic on the right.

The folks over at NaNoWriMo are yet again leading us in an attempt to write a single 50,000 word novel during the month of November. For those of you who don't write much, you may think this sounds like a lot of words. You would be correct.

To give you an example of how many words that actually is, up to this point in my current post, I have written 120 words. Imagine that times 416.66666666666666666... That should give you a clear idea of what we're talking about here.***

Insane? Probably. Worth trying? Maybe. Possible? Definitely, but it depends on who we're talking about. I tried this two Novembers ago and failed miserably. Not sure how far along I actually got, but I imagine I was at least 25,000-35,000 words short.

It was still a lot of fun though. The fun thing is that the point is just to get yourself writing. Most of the stuff turns out to be crap, which may have nothing to do with a one month deadline and more to do with my writing ability. You just have to keep typing and rambling, much like I'm doing now. But you don't look back, don't worry if it makes no sense, just get it done. At least that's how I see it. And I still failed.

So I'm going into it this year with my bar set very low. That way I won't feel like a failure. And that's how naturally negative people think, for those of you optimists out there.

I encourage any and all of you to join in the fun. I'm thinking pirates this year. Good luck to those of you brave enough to face your own failures. Let me know if you join and what you're planning to write about.

***- If you actually do the math above, you will end up one word short. So add one word to your imagination and you will have an even better idea of how many words we're talking about.

Wednesday, October 11, 2006

Improv Everywhere Update

In case you don't check it on a regular basis, the folks over at Improv Everywhere have a couple new missions up.

I like the "Rob" won, although they didn't get to video tape much of it. They have a guy at a Yankees game pretend he can't remember where his seat is. So all his buddies start yelling his name, and soon it catches on to their whole section. They've got all these random fans yelling for their friend Rob. It's funny how fast the mob mentality kicks in on stuff like that. Anyways, it's pretty funny. What a great idea.

I'm still waiting for someone to start up an Indianapolis chapter. Too lazy to do it myself.

And we still need a videotaped "whoah game" outing. For those of you who know what I mean.

Improv Everywhere Missions

And the Winner is...

Recently Paperback Writer held a contest to see who could come up with the best opening line to a story or novel. The prize would be a book of the winner's choice, priced at $30 or less. They would award the prize to three winning lines, one in each of these categories:

Best Line in Contest
Most Humorous Line
Most Intriguing Line

As I was reading through the entries in the contest, I thought I could probably come up with a few, just for craps and laughters. So I entered. Lo and behold, I actually won for the Most Humorous Line. I really don't think it was that funny, and I'm not going to post what it was, because I'm too embarrassed. I'm sure if you really wanted to find it, you could dig around. But here's what was said about it:

"Arthur, you've got a lot going here with this one: a strong intro to your story, a friendly, conversational tone, and a stand-up comedian zinger of a punchline. I also laughed out loud reading it, the litmus test of all humorous lines."

It was totally unworthy of such praise. But I'm still proud that I won. So, why do I share this with you? Because I never win anything and usually just pass over these types of things without even trying. So next time you think to yourself, "Man, I could do that." DO IT! That is all.

Tuesday, October 10, 2006

"That boy shore is a runnin fool!"- One Way to Fix Fat America

Americans are fat. Fat and lazy. And we always want more of our most precious commodity: time.

While Jon and I sat around the campfire last weekend watching the kids play together, we found a solution to both of those problems. The interesting thing we noticed about these young uns was that they just run everywhere. It doesn't matter where they're going, they are running to get there. They ran just for the sake of running. So we starting thinking, "Why don't we run anymore?" I ask you the same question.

Think of the many problems this would improve, if not completely solve.

1) Annoying people who take to long to cross the street would get done faster.
2) Food service would be faster.
3) Nobody would look stupid running to catch a flight at the airport.
4) There wouldn't be that long awkward silence as you pass by the drunk who keeps begging you for money.
5) There also wouldn't be a need for the casual "How you doin?" and "Good Morning" that nobody is really sincere about anyways.
6) Pick-pocketing would almost cease to exist.
7) People would finally realize how useless the Segway is.
8) Women would be less likely to buy high heel shoes, which could have enormous positive repercussions on our quality of life.
9) Fat men (myself included) who sweat and are out of breath when ascending a flight of stairs would fit in.
10) Feel free to add your own to the list.

The long term benefits would be an increase in health and an increase in time. Which solves our original problem of Americans being fat and not having time.

Also, as mankind got faster and healthier, we would run for longer distances at a faster pace. This would mean eliminating taking the car on short trips to the grocery. Everyone would just own their own shopping cart and run the groceries home. That would cut down on our oil dependency and take money away from terrorists. As we evolved, we may even become faster than horses and eventually airplanes. I don’t need to tell you how great that would be.

The only problem I can foresee is that everyone needs to start running at the same time. I can’t be the only guy out there running, or that would just look stupid.

Monday, October 09, 2006

I Love Ping Pong

I've had this clip on my laptop for ages and finally found it on YouTube to share with everyone. It's my favorite ping pong clip. I'm still upset that ping pong doesn't get any TV coverage. It's more entertaining than bowling, dog shows, billiards, poker, tennis, golf, wrestling, boxing, regular season baseball, other sports not called basketball and football, and "the OC." No, I don't care if you disagree with me.

Monopoly, Albatross, Wiener Roast and Colts

These fall weekends have really been awesome. I know it’s going to get really cold soon, but lately it’s been just perfect. Friday was another BBS group, followed by another heated game of Monopoly. I’m happy to say that the best man won and I found myself donning the green jacket for the fifth time. It was a ton of fun as always. Wish we could squeeze in another game before Ike leaves.

Then we had a campfire out back and sat around doing riddles. It took forever to figure out the first one. I’d never heard it before. It’s something like: “A man goes into a restaurant and orders the albatross. After eating it, he kills himself. Why?” It’s a pretty ridiculous answer that I won’t ruin for you here, but if you’re really curious you can start asking yes or no questions in the comments and I’ll reply. Might take you a while. If you already know the answer, please don’t ruin it for the rest of us.

Saturday we ended up going to Illinois for the family wiener roast. I had a lot of fun and always enjoy heading out to the farm. I think I’ll write up a different post about the ghost stories from that place, but that made it a ton of fun. We played some washers and had another campfire and it was a great time.

Then Sunday we got back late and I had taped the Colts game. I was fortunate enough to have the option of fast-forwarding through the first half and most of the second. Another pitiful game that we ended up winning. I don’t have anything to say about that. I guess I’m glad we’re still undefeated. So that was my weekend. This next weekend should be a lot of fun with Assafassa’s timios/bachelor party and wedding.

Friday, October 06, 2006

A Sad Day for Indy Sports

First we receive news late yesterday afternoon that Corey Simon is out for the season. This is a huge blow to the Colts defense and will definitely be a problem later this year. We need a miracle to stop any running game these days, and the closest thing we had to a miracle is now done. We're back to hoping Peyton and the offense can just outscore everyone else. As if that wasn't bad enough news...

Four Pacers were at a strip club late last night when a fight broke out and shots were fired. Without being told which Pacers were involved, I'm sure anyone could guess at least two of them. Definitely one of them. Yeah, it was Stephen Jackson who fired the gun. They found drugs in one of the cars and three of the four Pacers had guns with them.

Before we get to saying how stupid these guys are, because they are stupid, we must realize that Jackson was hit in the face, then run over by a car before shooting his gun. It's not illegal to carry a gun and those who had them also had permits. If I was being run over by a car, I'd probably get my gun and shoot it too. It also isn't illegal to be at a strip club, or to be out late at night. So really, I can't get too upset at this.

The frustrating thing is that the Pacers are trying to win back fans and return to an image that was presentable to children. Going to strip clubs late at night can't possibly be a good way to restore that image. Forget everything else that happened. If you're trying to win back a fan base and lose the "thug" reputation, why even stay out past midnight? Is it that hard? I would be spending my evenings at hospitals and orphanages. Then go to bed by like 11:00. These men need to grow up.

I'm tired of it.

"We’ve got to make smart decisions on the court and off the court. We’ve got to be smarter as far as leading the young guys and watching what we do." -Stephen Jackson of the Indiana Pacers

Then on top of everything, I read this article in the Star about how IPS sucks at football. Gosh dangit, I may have hated going to IPS, but I used to take pride in our sports programs. Actually, I used to take pride in Washington's sports programs. Then they shut us down. Bastards.

So, IPS pretty much sucks at everything. Can't see any reason to send kids there, other than the price.

PS- Isn't orphanages a funny looking word?

What other Indy Bloggers are saying:
Jason on the Pacers
Shane on Stephen Jackson
To add your post to this list, please email me.

See what everyone else is saying about the Pacers here

Thursday, October 05, 2006

Proud of My Manhood

I’m proud to be a man. I think it’s fun to do manly things like drinking beer and playing shirtless man pong. It’s important for a man to know what makes him different from a woman and to embrace these differences.

I’m not saying men are better than women at everything (though some may argue that there is substantial evidence to make such a claim); I think it’s equally important for women to embrace womanhood and be proud of their sex. There are many things I enjoy doing that women just don’t understand. The opposite is also true. For example, I have no idea how women can enjoy watching the WNBA. Or why they seem naturally fit to cook, clean and bear children. It boggles the mind.

Conversely, there are many things that I and my fellow men enjoy doing that may seem quite odd to our female counterparts. Like mooning each other, boxing, and owning tools we have no intention of using. Many times in my life, when I question whether or not my actions and decisions are sane and necessary, I simply need to ask: “What would man do?” Look where it has led me today.

This leads me to the point. Before I was united in holy matrimony, I was forced to fend for myself. Like most men in this situation, I survived through copious amounts of Ramen noodles, oatmeal, and visits home to my mother. Clothes would go unwashed for a while, and I figured this was just because I was a man.

When I got married, I discovered the joy of baked goods, sparkling bathrooms, and clean underwear. Then something very odd started happening once every two weeks or so. The sheets in our bed were being changed. What? This is a practice I had never heard of before. I thought sheets were changed when you moved. To my credit, I would always make sure I showered right before bed, in order to keep my sheets as clean as possible. And every six months or so, if the smell got bad enough, I think I may have changed them. No, that’s not true. I never did this on a regular basis.

So then I wondered, is this normal for a man? What if other men actually change their sheets? Does that mean they are gay, or I’m a disgusting slob? My understanding of the universe has been shattered. I am a freak. Do other men still pick their noses? Revel in the stench of their own flatulence? Measure their fitness level by standing straight and looking down to make sure their gut doesn’t obscure the line of vision to their manhood feet? Good thing I've already miraculously found a wife.

Wednesday, October 04, 2006

"On a Scale from One to Ten," How Crazy is Your Boss?

Let me start by saying that I really like my boss a lot. I respect him and he does a good job and things could be a lot worse. There's just one thing that makes him a bit crazy.

My boss loves the "One to Ten" scale. I admit that the scale can be quite useful for a variety of circumstances, but my boss takes it to a whole new level. He uses the scale for every situation and seemingly in every aspect of his life. It's as if his mind doesn't know how to process information, unless it's processed through a scale from "One to Ten." For example:

Boss: "How useful do you think that content would be for our 24 hour live training course?"
Me: "Oh, I don't know. I could probably squeeze a few hours out."
Boss: "So on a scale from one to ten, how useful is the content?"
Me: "Uh, five?"

He also loves to set parameters for his scales. Now, this can also be quite useful. "On a scale from one to ten, one being the lowest and ten being the highest, how good was 'Snakes on a Plane'?" Once again, my boss goes further (the following discussion took place in our interview):

Boss: "So, why are you looking for a new job?"
Me: "Well, I feel overused and underpaid and I'm tired of being lied to. And my boss is crazy."
Boss: "So on a scale from one to ten, one being that you absolutely hate your current job, ten being that you love it, three being that you don't like it but want a new job, and seven being that you really like it but want a new job anyways, how would you rate your current job?"
Me: "Uh, what does two mean?"

Another example (when deciding whether or not to go with a particular service):

IT Director: "I'm kind of leaning toward a yes for this one."
Boss: "Okay. But on a scale from one to ten, one being a 'no,' ten being a 'yes,' and five being 'I'm leaning toward yes,' what would you give it?"
IT Director: "Wouldn't your definition of 'five' actually be a 'six'?"
Boss: "You're fired."

So, in honor of my boss I am posing the following question: On a scale from one to ten, ten being "I think my boss is an absolute nut and should be admitted as such and be fired," seven being "I think my boss is crazy and should be fired," five being "My boss probably isn't crazy and should be fired," three being "I amazingly have a sane boss who should be fired," and one being "I am the boss," How Crazy is Your Boss?
Albert Haynesworth kicks Andre Gurode

"What I did out there was disgusting." -Albert Haynesworth (6-6, 320 lbs.) on stomping a man's head

Tuesday, October 03, 2006

Weird Dreams: Dominoes and Bones

Last night I had some crazy dreams. They involved:

1) Going to church on Easter and only five people being there.
2) Doing some kind of weird play where I forgot my lines.
3) Playing dominoes.

The weirdest one was number 3. I found myself trying to teach a group of friends to play, and nobody was really listening to me. I kept trying to tell them that the dominoes were called “bones.” They wanted to know why, and wouldn’t call them "bones" until I could explain it. I couldn’t explain it and kept getting more and more frustrated. It was quite traumatic. Then I woke up and had to pee like a racehorse.

The point of this story is: Does anyone know why they’re called bones? Where did that come from? I’ll sleep much better once I find out.

Monday, October 02, 2006

BBS, Monopoly, Sambuca, Colts Win!, Hippo poo = Great Weekend

I had another great weekend. Fall weekends are the best. The weather was perfect and it looks like it’ll stick around for at least another week. Sometimes it’s great living in Indy. I'll try to keep that in mind when I'm scraping ice off my car in a few weeks.

Friday we had a great BBS Group. Afterwards, four of us played a solid game of Monopoly. We let Ike win, since he’s only here for a couple weeks. He got the green jacket, which I’m quite upset about. It’s been nine months since my last win and it's about time I gave birth to another victory. I'm getting a bit nervous. But we had a great time and I was able to break out the old flask full of Sambuca.

Saturday my wife ran 20 miles in the morning before I even woke up. That made me feel like I did nothing the whole weekend. And I kind of didn’t.

Sunday was church and Colts. Peyton Manning saved the day. It was a fun game to watch and I wish I had taped it, just so I could watch that last play again. CBS cut their coverage of the game off way to fast in order to get the final seconds of the SD/Baltimore game. Anyways, Peyton’s got two rushing TDs in as many weeks, so things aren’t all bad for the Colts (and the fact they're 4-0). They’d better fix a few things in the near future though, starting with their health. Anyways, it was great entertainment, which is probably the most important thing to have in a football game.

The greatest thing I saw this weekend in front of the TV, was on Animal Planet. That’s such a great channel. They were doing one of their “Most Extreme” programs. It was like, “Most Extreme Gross Outs,” or something. Anyways, they showed a hippo pooping. That in itself is pretty funny. But for some reason, while a hippo is dumping, it will use its tail to fling poo all over themselves and anything else in the area. Imagine taking a handful of poo and flinging it through fast-moving fan blades. That's what it looks like. Only out of a hippo butt. I guess it marks territory and the poo keeps them cool from too much sun. It looks hilarious. I wish I could find a clip of it somewhere. If you find it, please let me know. Anyways, what a great show.