Tuesday, October 31, 2006

Click for Cans- Win Free Soup for the Needy in Indianapolis!

Thanks to Ange for sending us this link.

Campbell's Soup is holding a competition between NFL team cities. All we do is vote for our favorite team, and that team wins a bunch of soup for the food bank of its choice. They agree to donate one can for every pound of player on the winning team. Apparently, you can vote multiple times.

Initially, I thought for sure that I would just vote for Indianapolis, because I live here and am selfish would want to help out my community. But then I got to thinking, "I should take a brief moment to consider the best possible option for my vote."

I figured that the homeless in Jacksonville probably have it better off than the homeless in Buffalo, if only because the weather is better. Especially with winter knocking at our door. So maybe we should vote for the team who has the neediest of the needy. I think this is a good rule that we should follow. Therefore the following teams should be eliminated from consideration (due to warmer climate and therefore, less needy homeless. Obviously):
1)Arizona
2)San Francisco
3)Tampa Bay
4)Oakland
5)San Diego
6)Dallas
7)Carolina
8)Houston
9)Miami
10)Jacksonville
11)New Orleans

Next I thought that we should probably vote for the larger cities, because they may have the highest number of needy. But au contraire. If we only get so many soup cans, dividing them amongst a great number diminishes the value of each can. Therefore the needy receive less of a can than they might in a smaller city. We would only be whetting the appetite of already starving people. For shame! So we can therefore eliminate the following teams:
12)New York (Jets)
13)New York (Giants)
14)Chicago
15)Philadelphia
16)Detroit

We've now successfully eliminated half of our options. So I went to the website and looked at who was actually in contention. There are really only four teams who stand a chance, so we can eliminate the following:
17)Atlanta
18)Baltimore
19)Denver
20)New England
21)Tennessee
22)Seattle
23)Minnesota
24)Washington
25)St. Louis
26)Buffalo
27)Kansas City
28)Cleveland

Green Bay has won every time thus far, so they should be eliminated on the grounds that their homeless are well fed.
29)Green Bay

Any homeless who are stupid enough to stay in Pittsburgh during the winter don't deserve any free soup, so we can eliminate them with a clean conscience.
30)Pittsburgh

That leaves two teams: Cincinnati and Indianapolis. Since the homeless "get paid" on a per pound basis, wouldn't the greater good be to vote for the team that has the most girth? That way we can guarantee the most soup per homeless man.

Indianapolis-13,613 lbs.
Cincinnati-16,202 lbs.

??!! Good Lord! Any team that weighs roughly 2,600 pounds more than another has a serious problem! Try eating half of your normal diet and giving the rest to the needy in your community for pete's sake! Selfish animals. Clearly we cannot vote for a team this gluttonous. They could easily provide for their homeless if they would stop feeding the Shamu-sized appetites of their NFL players.
31)Cincinnati

So we can unmistakably see that the best way to provide the most soup to the neediest of people is to vote for Indianapolis. I encourage you all to take the time to vote for our fair city and its needier inhabitants. Even if you don't live in Indy, it's clearly your duty to vote for us. Otherwise, how could you possibly sleep at night?

So vote now! Click here to vote...For Indianapolis!

PS-They also give out soup for the most improved team. Indy is in the running for that, so we really need the votes. We could possibly get double the soup, which is another reason to vote for us. Spread the word!!!

4 comments:

Phil said...

I think that I would have to agree with you on most of your assessment, however shameful it may be. I must say that I did vote for Indianapolis over Minnesota, only because Indianapolis was really the only team that stood a chance and I could "clear conscientiously" vote for. I will have to disagree with you on the 2,600 lb differential. I wish, as do most Colts fans, that the players (especially on defense) had a little more "girth". I can't fault a team that is bigger, because they can probably stop the run. Plus, maybe the reason that the Bangle's are so overweight is because they know about this Campbell's soup drive, and they want to get more soup for their starving vagabonds. Perhaps, they roster people that actually aren't 'football players' just to win this soup drive. Don't get me wrong, I am not and never will be a Bangle's fan, but if that is the angle that they are taking then I apply laud to them.

Arthur said...

I never thought about the possibility of teams being aware of this contest. You can guarantee that's what Cincinnati is up to. Cause even though we can stop the run, the Bangles still suck. So they're obviously not hiring qualified big men. They're just beefing up for this contest. Bastards!

Jason266 said...

Mr. Arthur, what you've just said is one of the most insanely idiotic things I have ever heard. At no point in your rambling, incoherent response were you even close to anything that could be considered a rational thought. Everyone on this blog is now dumber for having listened to it. I award you no points, and may God have mercy on your soul.

Arthur said...

"I'll take Use Less Dumb Log for $1000, please Jason."