Wednesday, July 18, 2007

The Truth About Cats

The other day I was watching the World Poker Tour with my wife. There was quite a unique character sitting at the tables. When he popped up on the screen I said, "check that Cat out." My wife just looked confused.

Apparently this adjective is no longer recognized by our generation. I have used it frequently with some of my closest friends for years now, but it's definitely rare. I think the problem may be that we have forgotten exactly what a "cat" is. So, I'm here to help you become more familiar with who is and is not a cat.

To begin, we must realize that this is not a description to be used lightly. Cats are rare. If you run around calling everyone you see a cat, people are going to know that you have no idea what you're talking about. I see cats maybe once every three months or so.

Alright, here's a picture of the final table at the World Poker Tour in Paris. See if you can spot the cat in this picture.

If you picked number 5, you fell for my trap. Moron. The real cat in this picture is obviously number 2. You can see this cat coming a mile away.

This cat's name is Dr. Hope and he writes children's books when he's not kicking everyone's tail at the poker tables. This cat doesn't care what you think about him. He proudly wears his suit and hat and probably brushes his hair five times a day. This cat is cool and there's no way you'll ever be as cool a cat as Dr. Hope.

Our next example may be the cat of all cats. See if you recognize this cat:

That's right, it's Cat Stevens. This cat is a cat named Cat. You can't beat that. Once again, this cat couldn't care less what you think about him. He's a crazy cat, because he had the cattiest name possible, but went Muslim on the world and changed it to Yusuf. You may think that's crazy; I know I do. But this cat doesn't care. Cats never care what you think about them.

Okay, now let's see if you're ready. Look at this next picture and tell me if you see a cat:

If you said yes, you have failed and you need to go back and review. This is definitely not a cat. Maybe a bear, but not a cat. The thing about cats is that they're not trying to be a cat. This guy is trying to make you laugh. That's not catty.

Alright, here's our final line-up. In this next picture you'll see a dog, a rat and a cat. See if you can tell which one is the cat.

You probably said Snoop is the dog, Sammy is the rat, and Miles is the cat. You're wrong. It's a trick question. They're all cats. Snoop may call himself "Snoop D O double G," but the dude's a cat. I'm sorry, but he's as catty as they come. You know Miles Davis is like the King of Cats, and Sammy was the cattiest of the rat pack.

So there you have it folks. Next time you're out walking around and you see a cat, be sure to say, "What's up cat?" They won't know what you're talking about, cause cats always play like they don't know.

Monday, July 16, 2007

Stupid Dog Video

This is hilarious. Hopefully you haven't seen this before. It's great.

Friday, July 13, 2007

Mario Line Rider

Today's Friday fun features one of my favorite pastimes: Super Mario Brothers, combined with one of my favorite new online fun-times: Line Rider. If you're an old school Mario Brothers fan, you'll love this. At least I did. And I like how at the very end, the line rider guy ends up in the castle. Sweet.

Thursday, July 12, 2007

Birthday Brain Benders

In honor of today being the B-leb birthday, and because I'm once again too lazy to post something worthwhile, I'm just going to put up a couple of brain teasers in case you're bored and haven't seen these before. Be careful when reading any comments, as they may contain the answers. Hope you have fun.


See if you can figure out how to decode the following messages. They all translate into, "All codes lead to Rome." As an example, to decode message #1, just move each letter back one space in the alphabet. The rest are much more difficult. (In case you're curious, I was able to get all but #5 in the time it takes me to go poo. So if you get #5, that means you're smarter than me. If you don't get the others, you're dumber than me.)



Pretend the following titles are on a bookshelf. You have to rearrange them so that the last letter of each title is the first letter of the next title. The last letter of the last title can be anything. The first and last title must begin with the same letter. Go.

1) Nerves
2) Respect
3) Ribbon
4) Shout
5) Titan
6) Tower

Monday, July 09, 2007

I Usually Hate Wiener Dogs

This is a belated 4th of July post. I'm too dang busy/lazy to do a real post these days. But everyone can enjoy a hilarious video. This one cracks me up.

Wiener dogs are like my least favorite dog. They're just awkwardly shaped and not cute or cool. Except for this wiener dog. The dog is either insane, or has the largest pair of under clunder in canine history. Enjoy.

Monday, July 02, 2007

MySpam #9: "Cleanse Colon"

It's been awhile since I've found a piece of MySpam worthy enough to add to my list. Today I found a nice steaming pile of spam in my inbox and knew exactly where to shove it.

The email came from "Cleanse Colon" with a subject line of: "Cleanse Your Colon of Excess Weight." When I opened up the email, I found this awesome picture:

The funniest thing about this picture is not the fact that they're trying to sell pooping as a way to lose weight. But that is funny.

The funniest thing is that they photoshopped a thumb onto that lady's hand. Go ahead and make a fist like the nice lady in the photo is doing. Now try to somehow make a "thumb's up" like she is. It's not possible. And her thumb is gigantic. I hope they aren't suggesting you have to use a thumb when cleansing your colon. I'm sure this poor woman had no idea she would be used as an advertisement for a free colon cleansing, but you never know.

The bonus to this miracle pill is that not only will it clean out your colon of up to 20 pounds (I do this on a daily basis), but it also eliminates toxins. This is a fancy way of saying, "take a big fat dump to lose weight."

If I'm White Castle, I'm starting to get a little nervous. Somebody finally discovered the secret ingredient to Sliders and put them in a pill form.

Actually, it's probably not a pill, but I'm too scared to click on the link to see what they're actually selling. Probably just a giant thumb appendage.