Wednesday, July 18, 2007

The Truth About Cats

The other day I was watching the World Poker Tour with my wife. There was quite a unique character sitting at the tables. When he popped up on the screen I said, "check that Cat out." My wife just looked confused.

Apparently this adjective is no longer recognized by our generation. I have used it frequently with some of my closest friends for years now, but it's definitely rare. I think the problem may be that we have forgotten exactly what a "cat" is. So, I'm here to help you become more familiar with who is and is not a cat.

To begin, we must realize that this is not a description to be used lightly. Cats are rare. If you run around calling everyone you see a cat, people are going to know that you have no idea what you're talking about. I see cats maybe once every three months or so.

Alright, here's a picture of the final table at the World Poker Tour in Paris. See if you can spot the cat in this picture.

If you picked number 5, you fell for my trap. Moron. The real cat in this picture is obviously number 2. You can see this cat coming a mile away.

This cat's name is Dr. Hope and he writes children's books when he's not kicking everyone's tail at the poker tables. This cat doesn't care what you think about him. He proudly wears his suit and hat and probably brushes his hair five times a day. This cat is cool and there's no way you'll ever be as cool a cat as Dr. Hope.

Our next example may be the cat of all cats. See if you recognize this cat:

That's right, it's Cat Stevens. This cat is a cat named Cat. You can't beat that. Once again, this cat couldn't care less what you think about him. He's a crazy cat, because he had the cattiest name possible, but went Muslim on the world and changed it to Yusuf. You may think that's crazy; I know I do. But this cat doesn't care. Cats never care what you think about them.

Okay, now let's see if you're ready. Look at this next picture and tell me if you see a cat:

If you said yes, you have failed and you need to go back and review. This is definitely not a cat. Maybe a bear, but not a cat. The thing about cats is that they're not trying to be a cat. This guy is trying to make you laugh. That's not catty.

Alright, here's our final line-up. In this next picture you'll see a dog, a rat and a cat. See if you can tell which one is the cat.

You probably said Snoop is the dog, Sammy is the rat, and Miles is the cat. You're wrong. It's a trick question. They're all cats. Snoop may call himself "Snoop D O double G," but the dude's a cat. I'm sorry, but he's as catty as they come. You know Miles Davis is like the King of Cats, and Sammy was the cattiest of the rat pack.

So there you have it folks. Next time you're out walking around and you see a cat, be sure to say, "What's up cat?" They won't know what you're talking about, cause cats always play like they don't know.


Joeliver said...

Finally!! I've always wondered about that. Thanks for the refreshing post.

scruff said...

dude, i was cracking up at this cat's article. by far one of the most creative, brilliant pieces of anything i've read in a while.

Clara said...

No- I knew what you meant when you called that guy a "cat"... i just looked at you confused because you never say that i was laughing. haha.

Arthur said...

Hey, don't try to ruin my story. You're just jealous cause girls can't be cats. Can they?

monkey said...

um, this was awesome.

B said...

Sweet, the wife commented. Must've been a good post.

If you look closely at that guy who's not a cat with the big hair, you will see that he resembles Philip Seymore Hoffman.

STEVE said...

If you someday decide to collect your blog posts into a book, PLEASE let me know. Every time I come here you have something incredibly witty and I laugh out loud. You deserve an award man. I'm immediately tell all my friends to visit your site, because I feel it's a grave injustice to not share this with all my friends. You're my hero Arthur :)