ABC's and XYZ.

I can't remember the day I first learned my ABC's. I'm sure it was through that wonderful little tune that was stolen from "Twinkle Twinkle Little Star." Actually, I don't know which one came first. Kind of like rap songs (and others) these days. They steal from old good stuff and soon people don't even realize that they didn't invent it in the first place. As if Vanilla Ice could really come up with that bass line.

Anyways, I do remember the first time I learned about the XYZ's. I was in second grade and some random girl came up to me and said, "XYZ!" She then ran off to a group of other girls and they all started laughing. After a while I saw that they were pointing at my crotch. "XYZ?" I thought to myself. "eXamine Your Zipper!" Someone yelled. Sure enough, there was a gaping hole in my jean shorts, revealing the Scooby Doo undies hidden underneath. It was embarrassing enough that I can still remember the moment to this day.

Unfortunately, to my great surprise, it was not mortifying enough to leave a lasting impression. This morning, after having gone through a meeting, playing three games of ping pong, and having numerous conversations, I looked down into my lap and realized that I had indeed forgotten to "XYZ." Or "XMZ" as the case would be. I have no idea if anyone else noticed, because luckily enough, most of my co-workers have maturity beyond that of a second grader.

I however, do not. That is why you are reading about it here. The question of the day is, would you tell someone to "XYZ" if you noticed? It's one thing to point out food in someone's teeth, this is something totally different.

Mr. Silent Strikes Again

Back in June, I did a post about a guy who decided he wanted to be a super hero. He calls himself Mr. Silent, and he is a defender of the helpless in Indianapolis. I really don't have a whole lot more to say about him, but thanks to Phil I've discovered that he has a MySpace Page. That's pretty sweet. Below is an interview that Mr. Silent had with Fox News. It is my goal to meet Mr. Silent on the streets of Indianapolis. I'm a big fan now. Here is the original post I did. It explains what super hero I would be.

Ice Ice Baby!

Kravitz vs. Colts: Marvin Harrison is "Selfish and Small?"

Something fishy is going on between Indystar sports columnist Bob Kravitz and the Indianapolis Colts (specifically, Tony Dungy and Bill Polian). In Monday's column, Kravitz was a bit harsh with Colts wide receiver Marvin Harrison. Apparently, Marvin walked off into the locker room before halftime, while Vinatieri was setting up for a field goal.

I missed this during the game, but people who went to the game probably noticed. At any rate, Kravitz criticized Harrison for this "disappearing act," saying that it was "as embarrassing as it was out of character." He goes on to complain about Harrison not attempting to tackle Philadelphia's Lito Sheppard after an interception. These acts are described by Kravitz as Harrison's "hissy fit."

You can read that article here


Well today, Kravitz has written an equally "embarrassing and out of character" column for IndyStar. He appears quite offended that the Colts are actually defending Harrison and attempting to explain what really happened. Imagine someone involved with today's media accusing others of putting a story through the "spin cycle." Kravitz doesn't reference it, but a few of Polian's quotes can be read here. He defends Harrison's actions.

If you read between the lines of Kravitz's column today, you can see that he pushed the wrong buttons on Monday. I'm guessing they (someone associated with the Colts) complained to Kravitz for being so harsh on Harrison. Then Kravitz felt the need to defend himself through his column, by showing everyone why he is right and the Colts are lying. He is accusing them of creating "revisionist history and spin." Amazing.

I'm not saying he's wrong, I just think he's being a bit ridiculous. After admitting that anyone can have a "lousy day at the office," he goes on to say that Harrison "reduced himself to the lowest common denominator." That's absurd. Yeah, Harrison shouldn't have done it. But to say that is just ridiculous. That's like if Mother Teresa had a rough day and cursed at an orphan who had stolen food. Then Kravitz would say, "See! She's no saint." Okay, that was a horrible example, but it gets my point across.

At the end of the article, Kravitz encourages us to refuse to "buy what Dungy and Polian are selling." Unless we "don't mind them tinkling in your boot and telling you it's raining." That is funny.

But I expect no less from Dungy and Polian. They've probably already worked out whatever issues needed to be handled. Who cares? So Harrison walked out before halftime and complained about a call instead of catching a defender and injuring himself for the season. Let the coach handle that situation. Don't write a sophomoric article saying a man has "reduced himself to the lowest common denominator."

I don't know about you, but it sure looks like rain to me.

Anyways, I wouldn't be at all surprised if we hear more about this in the future. Please let me know if you hear anything, I'm interested to see how it pans out. I'm including the full text of today's column in case you're interested. Here's a link for it at IndyStar, or just read on:

"November 29, 2006

Bob Kravitz
Colts try spin cycle in Harrison story

A couple of minutes after Sunday night's Indianapolis Colts victory, I approached coach Tony Dungy as he made his way from the interview room to the locker room.

I asked him if anything was going on with Marvin Harrison, who seemed upset throughout the game, and I specifically noted that the player left the field before halftime.

Dungy said he didn't notice that Harrison had exited stage right. On Monday afternoon, though, Dungy was saying that he gave Harrison permission to leave early to receive additional stretching during halftime.

And Monday night, Colts president Bill Polian said on his radio show, "I just confirmed this with Tony less than 10 minutes ago (before the 6 p.m. show). Marvin went into the locker room with Tony's knowledge because he was tightening up. Now if you're 188 pounds and you're blocking for sweeps against safeties like (Brian) Dawkins and Lito Sheppard, you might tighten up. And he did, and he spent the entire halftime being stretched out by trainers in the training room.
"That's why he went in early. Not because he was Randy Moss. Not because he walked off the field because he didn't catch a pass. Because he needed to get stretched.''

So, which is it:
Dungy knew, or he didn't know?

Think about this: If Dungy had responded to my postgame question by saying, "Yeah, he was tightening up and we wanted to get him into the locker room to get stretched,'' don't you figure the column would have read differently?

I would have gone one of two ways. Either written:
"Despite what looked like a premature LeBron James-style walkoff before halftime, Harrison, in fact, left with Dungy's blessing in order to get treatment for muscle tightness.''

Or I would have written nothing.

Maybe stuck a paragraph into the Dopey Report Card about how Harrison didn't make much of an effort on the interception.

Except Dungy didn't say that. He said nothing about Harrison's early exit. Mostly, he shrugged and looked at me like I was from the Planet Formerly Known as Pluto.
Polian needs to understand this: While he believes all of this is a concoction brewed by what he calls the "chattering classes,'' the fact is, fans who were at the game and those who watched on TV were yapping about Harrison's demeanor long before a word appeared in The Star.

The message boards were buzzing with talk of Harrison's body language. As I drove home from the RCA Dome, the postgame show was filled with callers wondering what was up with Harrison, well before a single word of mine or anybody else's appeared in the next day's paper.

Even if we're to accept the team's explanation that he wanted to get a four-second head start in the training room, the truth is, Harrison appeared to many of us -- and not just the pundits and football Oprahs -- that he was in serial mope mode all night.

Did he block well?
Yeah, he blocked well.

As Polian noted, Harrison graded out with an A-plus for his blocking on the coaches' Not Quite As Dopey Report Cards.

"So, Marvin was not disinterested, he was not uninvolved, he wasn't pouting, he wasn't in a snit, he was blocking his tail off,'' Polian said.
That wasn't the argument.

Nobody claimed he was dogging it -- except, well, on the interception, where he stood and argued for pass interference rather than pursue the defensive back.
The claim here -- and elsewhere -- is he was pitching a very subtle fit.
And what we're getting now from Dungy and Polian is revisionist history and spin because in Colts World, a player can do no wrong, unless his name is Mike Vanderjagt.

Look, there's nothing wrong with ego. I had one installed a couple of years ago in a relatively painless procedure. Athletes who are great at anything generally have oversized egos to match. I remember that when Edgerrin James didn't get his carries, nobody moped more. I don't know if the wide receiver position draws certain types of personalities, or produces divas, but all around the league, the game is populated by high-profile soloists who demand pampering and special attention.

That's what made Harrison's performance just a little bit shocking. Sure, he cares about numbers, a whole lot more than he'll let on, and he's one of the moodiest and most inscrutable athletes of all time. But for the better part of a majestic Hall of Fame career here, he has represented everything that's supposed to be good about the NFL.

I can readily accept that a player, or a coach, or a columnist, is going to have his lousy days at the office. That's not the issue here. The issue is, a great player with a mostly spotless reputation reduced himself to the lowest common denominator.
You want to buy what Dungy and Polian are selling?

Hey, if you don't mind having your intelligence insulted, if you don't mind them tinkling in your boot and telling you it's raining, well, then, that's your problem.

Bob Kravitz is a columnist for The Indianapolis Star."

IndyStar comments from this article

Vanderjagt Gets the Boot

The most accurate idiot kicker in the history of the NFL has been released from his duties. Here is an article from NFL.com:

"Cowboys release Vanderjagt, sign Gramatica

IRVING, Texas (Nov. 27, 2006) -- The Dallas Cowboys released Mike Vanderjagt, apparently tired of his inability to live up to his reputation as the most accurate kicker in league history. Martin Gramatica was signed as his replacement.

The Cowboys gave Vanderjagt a three-year contract to shore up a position coach Bill Parcells felt cost the team three victories last season.

However, he was injured and inconsistent in training camp, plus reluctant to handle kickoffs. Parcells never seemed to warm to him and he was only 13-for-18 on field goals, the lowest success rate (72 percent) of his career.

Dallas (7-4) will play at the New York Giants (6-5) on Dec. 3. Winners of three straight, the Cowboys are first in the NFC East.

The Cowboys did not release any details about the move, and players were off. Parcells will next speak to reporters Nov. 28.

AP NEWS
The Associated Press News Service"

For some strange reason, I was glad to hear this. As if his being fired justified the move the Colts made. Then I thought how messed up it is that I would be glad to hear about a man losing his job. Oh well.

Shane's Thoughts

Brian's Thoughts

Thanksgiving Weekend 2006

Wow. What a weekend. Few things are more difficult than going back to work after an awesome extended vacation. The only reason I feel so miserable at work is because I had such an amazing four day weekend. I doubt any of you really care much about what I did, but when I read this again in ten years, I want to remember what a great time I had for one weekend.

It all started Wednesday night when our Men's Group had the annual Turkey Fry. The turkey was delicious (as were the Funyuns), and we fought over the crispy skin as usual. Luckily for us, that night also corresponded with the anniversary of C.S. Lewis' death. We decided to read some favorite quotes and passages and use those for discussion and something to do while drinking beer. (Rab's post with favorite quote)

I'm going to include an excerpt of one passage that was read from Mere Christianity. It's long, so feel free to skip it.

"Chastity is the most unpopular of the Christian virtues. There is no
getting away from it: the old Christian rule is, "Either marriage, with complete faithfulness to your partner, or else total abstinence." Now this is so difficult and so contrary to our instincts, that obviously either Christianity is wrong or our sexual instinct, as it now is, has gone wrong. One or the other. Of course, being a Christian, I think it is the instinct which has gone wrong.

But I have other reasons for thinking so. The biological purpose of sex is children, just as the biological purpose of eating is to repair the body. Now if we eat whenever we feel inclined and just as much as we want, it isquite true that most of us will eat too much: but not terrifically too much. One man may eat enough for two, but he does not eat enough for ten. The appetite goes a little beyond its biological purpose, but not enormously. But if a healthy young man indulged his sexual appetite whenever he felt inclined, and if each act produced a baby, then in ten years he might easily populate a small village. This appetite is in ludicrous and preposterous excess of its function.

Or take it another way. You can get a large audience together for a strip-tease act-that is, to watch a girl undress on the stage. Now suppose you came to a country where you could fill a theatre by simply bringing a covered plate on to the stage and then slowly lifting the cover so as to let every one see, just before the lights went out, that it contained a mutton chop or a bit of bacon, would you not think that in that country something had gone wrong with the appetite for food? And would not anyone who had grown up in a different world think there was something equally queer about the state of the sex instinct among us?

One critic said that if he found a country in which such striptease acts with food were popular, he would conclude that the people of that country were starving. He meant, of course, to imply that such things as the strip-tease act resulted not from sexual corruption but from sexual starvation. I agree with him that if, in some strange land, we found that similar acts with mutton chops were popular, one of the possible explanations which would occur to me would be famine. But the next step would be to test our hypothesis by finding out whether, in fact, much or little food was being consumed in that country. If the evidence showed that a good deal was being eaten, then of course we should have to abandon the hypothesis of starvation and try to think of another one. In the same way, before accepting sexual starvation as the cause of the strip-tease, we should have to look for evidence that there is in fact more sexual abstinence in our age than in those ages when things like the strip-tease were unknown. But surely there is no such evidence. Contraceptives have made sexual indulgence far less costly within marriage and far safer outside it than ever before, and public opinion is less hostile to illicit unions and even to perversion than it has been since Pagan times. Nor is the hypothesis of "starvation" the only one we can imagine. Everyone knows that the sexual appetite, like our other appetites, grows by indulgence. Starving men may think much about food, but so do gluttons; the gorged, as well as the famished, like titillations.

Here is a third point. You find very few people who want to eat things that really are not food or to do other things with food instead of eating it. In other words, perversions of the food appetite are rare. But perversions of the sex instinct are numerous, hard to cure, and frightful. I am sorry to have to go into all these details, but I must. The reason why I must is that you and I, for the last twenty years, have been fed all day long on good solid lies about sex. We have been told, till one is sick of hearing it, that sexual desire is in the same state as any of our other natural desires and that if only we abandon the silly old Victorian idea of hushing it up, everything in the garden will be lovely. It is not true. The moment you look at the facts, and away from the propaganda, you see that it is not."
-C.S. Lewis from Mere Christianity

Full Text Here

Thursday was Thanksgiving in all of its gluttonous glory. I drove out to Granny's to spend some time with her. Then felt guilty on the drive home that I don't visit her more often. Then played games at the in-laws until feasting time. My folks came over, along with my wife's entire side of the family. It was a lot of fun and the nice weather allowed for a few games of washers. Then we went home for a nap and ended up sleeping through the night.

Friday's highlight was Monopoly and poker. I won one of the two games of Monopoly that we played, which is a great accomplishment for me and probably the most productive thing I did all weekend.

I spent a lot of Saturday reading "A Confederacy of Dunces," while the wife did a lot of homework.

Sunday was church, lots of Yahtzee with the wife, a little bit of shopping, then more reading. Then I got killed in two games of Scrabble while we waited for the Colts game to start. The game was fun to watch, especially the first half when everything seemed to come together (finally) for the Colts. Hopefully Dallas Clark is back soon. It was embarrassing listening to the NBC broadcasting team try to keep the viewers interested. They talked more about Denver's quarterback dilemna and Romo than they did about Addai and the Colts. And if John Madden ever says the words, "It's just amazing that he [Peyton Manning] never gets injured..." he should be fired from ever doing another Colts game again.

So that was my great weekend and now I'm back at work wondering why I still haven't found a way to figure out what I want to do with my life. Maybe I'm already doing it. Anyways, life goes on.

Let's Go Out to the Lobby and Get Ourselves a Snack: Why We Call a Cow, "Hamburger"

Yesterday I went to see the movie "Stranger than Fiction" with the wife and parents. It's an awesome movie, very smart and well written. However, the funniest thing about the whole experience occured before the movie even started.

We ordered four beverages and two popcorns. Our drinks were enormous. I could taste the Sprite-syrup in my 64 ounce jug/cup, and it gave me a sugar high that I haven't had since I was like thirteen.

Then we got our popcorn, which was caked in butter. It wasn't dripping with butter though, which made me wonder how long it had been sitting in the bin. Then we came up to the most amazing thing I've seen in a long time. It was a "popcorn station" for people to add fixins to their popcorn. The highlight of this feature was a large pump that released "popcorn topping." I'll come back to that misnomer later.

Just before I could say, "Who in God's green earth would add more fat to this greasy bag of flavored air?" my father walked over to the popcorn station and proceeded to soak his greasy bag with yellow popcorn topping. You might think I was disgusted and revolted and tried to remind my dad that his life was at stake here. You would be wrong. Instead I ventured over and tried some of this topping myself.

Well, it turns out that it was just butter. So I ask myself, why not just call it butter? Why does it have to be popcorn topping? Then I realized that this is just a natural step to disguising things, so we don't have to admit what we're eating. For example, cow meat is called "hamburger." Pig flesh is called "bacon." Baby calf is called "veal." Dog meat is called "Chinese." It's natural that we begin calling butter, "popcorn topping."

As a side note, I think it would be smart if at these "popcorn stations" they actually started providing flavored butter for our popcorn. Like cinnamon butter and types of fruity butter and caramel. I could probably start a movie theater and run away with business just because my theater offered real flavored popcorn topping.

I also found this YouTube video of that old intermission video they used to play. I remember seeing it at drive-in movies. Not sure if they used it way back in the day at the real theaters. It has that hot dog that does tricks for the bun, then jumps into the bun. I have memories of that, man. Kind of disturbing, but funny. (see the 1:08 mark)

"If I Did It" Gets Cancelled-- Sweet Vonage!

"A good decision among many, many stupid ones." Thank goodness, Rupert Murdoch (who owns both Fox and Harper Collins, which is absolutely ridiculous) in an amazing change of conscience, has decided to cancel O.J. Simpson's book and television fiasco.

I'm glad to hear that this absurd project is never going to see the light of day. It's just embarrassing that Murdoch and his "senior management" came to "agree with the American public that this was an ill-considered project," only after so many of the American public voiced how inconsiderate and stupid this project was. The fact that they even considered this is quite disturbing. And O.J. should be immediately locked up. If not in prison, than at least in a mental hospital. The dude must be absolutely retarded (my apologies to the mentally handicapped).

At any rate, it looks as though all is right with the world. At least for now. Below is a highlight of the story from the AP article and the full story can be found through a link at the end of this post.

O.J. Simpson book, TV special canceled
By HILLEL ITALIE

No, O.J., no. It was a sequel few had asked for or dared conceive, a television and book project with Simpson describing how he would have killed his ex-wife. Any fascination with Simpson's shocking return to public life was overcome by revulsion and disbelief.

Even Rupert Murdoch, a media king with a famous taste for scandal, couldn't stand it anymore. On Monday, he canceled the whole thing, less than a week after it was announced.

"I and senior management agree with the American public that this was an ill-considered project," said Murdoch, whose News Corp. owns both Fox Broadcasting and publisher HarperCollins. "We are sorry for any pain that this has caused the families of Ron Goldman and Nicole Brown Simpson."

"If I Did It" had been scheduled to air as a two-part interview Nov. 27 and Nov. 29 on Fox, with the book to follow on Nov. 30. HarperCollins spokeswoman Erin Crum said some copies had already been shipped to stores but would be recalled, and all copies would be destroyed. Should any turn up, they will become instant collectors' items.

View the full story here

*UPDATE*
News Corp. accused of hush money offer

Bloggers chime in:
Searching, Searching, Searching
Blogalicious Truths from the Heart
Resisting Inertia

The Colts Finally Lose. Dangit.

Well, I'm upset about the Colts losing yesterday. Actually, I'm not upset that they lost, I'm upset with how they lost the game. I won't spend a lot of time talking about this, because there are tons of people who know a lot more than me who can break it all down for you. But the main reason I'm upset is because when our offense needed to go down and make a score (or at least get a first down), we couldn't. Then when our defense needed to make a stand, we didn't. That's bad news come playoff time. Granted, we've done it just about every other time this season, but it's frustrating that they couldn't pull through yesterday. Oh well, life goes on. Hopefully they'll improve and be ready come playoff time.

Something's Rotten in Perry Township

I received an email today from fellow Indianapolis Blogger Bnpositive, asking if I would be willing to help draw some attention to what has happened in the Metropolitan School District of Perry Township. I had no idea what this was about, but after reading up on it a bit, I am more than happy to let others know about what is going on. Although it doesn't directly effect me, this kind of stuff disgusts me.

Mostly, I will just direct you to articles and websites that will give you all the information you need to know, but just to pique your interest, here's what happened. Four of the seven members on the Perry Township School Board decided to place Superintendent Doug Williams on leave, with the intent to fire him. The other three members of the board were not aware of this decision until the morning of the meeting that ousted Wiliams.

Williams won the Indiana School Superintendent of the Year award in 2003, and is a proven superintendent. The members who voted him out, cite "questionable spending" as a reason for his removal. Although, removing him will cost the taxpayers a considerable amount of money. He is currently under a three year contract and has been offered a buyout. Questionable spending indeed.

I'm not sure if he deserves to be removed or not, the fact is, there aren't enough facts. And those who support the decision to remove Williams, don't seem to want to talk about it. I don't know what we can do at this point, I just hate hearing about stuff like this and thought I would do what I could to at least bring people's attention to it. Below are a few links worth checking out if you are interested in learning more.

Citizens in Support of Dr. Williams: Despite the title, this site remains fairly impartial, just looking for facts and providing a forum for those in support or against Dr. Williams. All other links I provide are also on this site and it is a good place to start if you want to get a lot of background and see where things currently stand.

Perry Township superintendent placed on leave: November 14th article on the board's decision.

Jo Ellen Buffie's reaction: Comments from Board Member (dissenting vote) Jo Ellen Buffie on Monday night's meeting.

MSNBC Coverage: This story makes nationwide headlines.

Board Votes Against Reinstating Williams: IndyStar update. Monday night (11/27/06), Perry Township School Board members voted 4-3 against reinstating superintendent Williams.

Steak n Shake Screws Up, So You Get a Free Milkshake!

I was reading IndyStar this morning and read an awesome article. I'm going to post it in its entirety, because I've found that links to IndyStar articles eventually don't work. Anyways, read on.

Colts fans may have a beef with Steak n Shake ad
By John Russell

Thousands of Indianapolis residents doubtlessly will do a double-take this week when they open the mail to find out their hometown Steak n Shake restaurant is "a proud sponsor of the Dallas Cowboys."

That's quite a public-relations pickle for the Indianapolis-based restaurant chain, especially as the Colts and Cowboys gear up to play this Sunday in Dallas.

The company, known for its steakburgers and milkshakes, inadvertently sent a mailer promoting its "Cowboys side-by-side milkshake" to more than 600,000 Indianapolis residents.

It was intended for the Dallas market. Some were mailed in Chicago and St. Louis.

Steak n Shake, which sponsors the Colts and the Cowboys, apologized Wednesday.

"We feel just terrible," said Steven Schiller, chief marketing officer. "We sponsor only two teams. They just happened to be playing each other this weekend. We obviously messed up, and we hope Colts fans will be understanding."

Steak n Shake said the mistake was a result of human error by its mailing vendor, ADVO.

Steak n Shake said it had received about 10 calls from Indianapolis residents. "Some were angry. But when we explained it was an accident, they understood," Schiller said.

So Steak n Shake will offer dine-in customers wearing Colts gear a free milkshake -- including the Colts Blue and White Side-by-Side Shake -- from 10 a.m. to 10 p.m. Sunday.

-Article from IndyStar.com. Star reporter John Russell. Permalink

It seems this would be a difficult mistake to make, but then again... O.J. reminds us that you can always do something even more moronic.

Newsflash: When You Get Away With Murder, Don't Come Back Years Later and Explain How You Would Have Done It.

I really have nothing to say except, how stupid is O.J. Simpson? Guilty or not, this is just about the stupidest thing a person could ever do. I'm just at a loss for words.

OJ is a Moron

I'm sure millions will have much more to say about this in the coming weeks. Stay tuned America.

My Boxers are on Backwards

Dangit! This morning I went to the restroom at work and after a frustrating struggle to find the hole in the front of my boxers, I realized the problem. They were on backwards. It's really not that big of a deal, I just panicked a bit there in front of the urinal. It didn't last long, and I'm not sure why it freaked me out, but there it is. So anyways, I can't wait to get home and fix things. This is far worse than waking up on the wrong side of the bed.

MySpam #6: Sleep Soundly and Awake Rested

I got another interesting email in my spam box today. There's really only one line that had me cracking up at first, but the whole thing is pretty funny. It really needs no explanation, but we'll break it down anyways. The subject line was, "sleep soundly and awake rested." Probably for people struggling with sleep, right? Think again:

"It is a fact that we are going to grow old,
but we needn't grow old the way our relatives have:
frail, fatigued, depressed, possibly confused,
and definitely afraid to risk going outside, because we could end up falling on the ground
and breaking a bone, or worse.


Now, there's HGH Life:

More Info Here

thanks for looking
Richeson Rachael"

First off, I'll start at the end, as I find it interesting that her first name is Richeson and last name is Rachael. Actually, Richeson is probably a guy's name, but I wouldn't know as I've never seen it before.

I love the description of getting old here. Especially how old people are "definitely afraid to risk going outside." I mean, isn't that really every old person's biggest fear? It's such a huge risk to even get out of bed when you reach a certain age.

Okay, that's all I have on this one. It's funny without having to look too deeply into it. Here's a link to the rest of MySpam.

List of MySpam

It's a Boy!!!

As I mentioned yesterday, Jon's having a boy. He's very proud. As you can see.

Crappy Weather, Colts and Akeelah

This weekend came and went, just like the nice warm weather we had last Friday. Now I'm cold and it's Monday and Indianapolis is looking dead and barren as winter approaches. Much like the feeling most Colts fans have as the playoffs loom ahead.

Anyways, Friday night was a good group and we talked about the difference between someone being possessed and someone just being mentally disturbed. The discussion made much more sense to me through the pumpkin ale induced lens that I had at the time. Now I'm getting a headache just trying to remember what we came up with. I know it was a good discussion though and I'm always thankful for our group.

I can't even remember what I did Saturday. I know I watched Thank You for Smoking, but that's about it. Sunday was church and the Colts game, which I really enjoyed, even though it was a close game. I'm getting tired of people saying how much the Colts run defense sucks. This is because we don't have a run defense, and we never claimed to have a run defense. Our defense is built a certain way, because our money is in our offense. It's working out great so far, so quit griping about it. We're not a defensive team. Get used to it.

Also, I know Addai is much better than Rhodes. So do the people who get paid to know that. They also get paid to know that every hit Rhodes takes is going to mean Addai is that much more fresh come December and January when we really need him to take some carries. Rhodes is doing fine and serving his purpose for right now. He just needs to not fumble ever again.

Okay, sorry for all of that. Thanksgiving dinner at church Sunday night, which was a good time as well. Then we watched Akeelah and the Bee, which I enjoyed way more than a grown man should.

Ovearll, a good weekend. Life's just flying by these days. Oh and Jon's having a boy! That's pretty scary, but exciting and awesome. Congrats to he and the wife!

I Need a Host!

Dangit! Well, after uploading the buttrocket videos, I received the following message from Photobucket on Sunday:

"Unfortunately your account has been banned because it violated our terms of service. These terms apply to both free and premium accounts.

Admin"

And when I checked my blog, I was upset to find that the videos no longer work. So, until I can find a place willing to host these videos, you'll have to imagine how glorious it was. At least I've got that screenshot to give you an idea.

I'm pretty upset about this though. I mean, those videos aren't that bad, are they? And that last one is hosted by YouTube, they don't seem to have a problem with it. What the heck? I just need my own website. Dangit. I'm depressed now. You can probably expect a dejected post from me later about how I don't like my job and am frustrated about what I've accomplished in life. All because they took down the stupid videos.

UPDATE: I've uploaded the one on YouTube that hasn't been banned yet. I give it about a day and a half.

Mr. Butt Rocket Shooter Guy

I realize my blog can be immature. Quite often. Today will be no exception. I make no apologies.

I've been wanting to post this for a long time now, but wasn't quite sure how to present it. We have footage of a good friend of mine shooting a bottle rocket out of his butt. It is, how do I put this...amazing. If anyone has video editing software, I would love to put this in slow motion. And get some still shots. The second video is a five-shooter. Until someone can find a better way to get pictures from this, I've included a screen shot at the end that really captures the moment.

It's also been brought to my attention that one of these videos has already been flagged as inappropriate by YouTube and is no longer available. So I put them on Photobucket. Please watch these now, because I have no idea how long they'll be here. I've also added another disastrous one at the end. Good stuff.

After viewing the videos you can read Life in the Shadows very own "Real Men of Genius" tribute to the Butt Rocket Shooter Guy. In case you don't know how to read those, the stuff (in parenthesis) has to be sung. Nobody ever comments on this blog, but I encourage all of you to come up with your own verses and we could have an ultimate song. Then maybe Brian can record it for us and I'll post that too. Anyways, enjoy!

Mr. Butt-Rocket Shooter Guy

Life in the Shadows Presents: Real Men of Genius
(Real Men of Genius)

Today, we salute you, Mr. Butt-Rocket Shooter Guy
(Mr. Butt-Rocket Shooter Guy)
Just when we think nothing could be funnier than a man’s hairy hind end,
You go and use your crack as a launching pad.
(3-2-1 Liftoff)
You put up with ridiculous amounts of pain and agony,
Just so your friends can have a few laughs.
(Ooh, I think I singed a butt hair!)
Is that a Moon Traveler? With report?
(Dingleberry)
Who cares? Cause it’s damn funny.
(Don’t clench your cheeks)
So, crack open an ice cold Stroh’s, you righteous ramrod,
because you put the in ass in disaster.

(Mr. Butt-Rocket Shooter Guy)

Coming Soon!

There will be a great unveiling today. I plan to post a masterpiece sometime around 10:30 or 11:00. You won't want to miss it.

10 Months and Counting: Advice for Bachelors

Yesterday I was reading Indystar and saw that Britney Spears and K-Fed are ending their marriage. Today it says that Reece Witherspoon and Ryan Phillippe are getting divorced. I thought about doing a post about divorce or celebrities or something, but I don't like talking about things I know nothing about. Actually, that's not true, or this blog would be a huge blank page.

At any rate, I realized that yesterday is my ten month wedding anniversary. So I decided instead to let the bachelors out there know what to expect from marriage, good and bad, when and if they decide to get married.

1) Marriage is awesome! Regardless of anything else I write or anyone tells you, marriage is one of the best things you will ever do.

2) Marriage will change your life. This is a good thing, but most of us avoid change like the plague, so this part may be difficult for some.

3) Marriage is work. As are most things worth anything. Don't get confused here. Marriage isn't supposed to be easy. Don't say, "This is hard, therefore I must have married the wrong person, therefore I will get a divorce and find the person who makes my life easier." That's just stupid and if you take the time to think about it, you'll see why.

4) Marriage is different for everybody. Just like you are different from everybody else, your marriage will be too. That means, just because you don't have the same income/children/kids/debt/house/car/etc., doesn't mean something is wrong with you. It also means you don't have to listen to anybody else's advice, because it probably won't work the same for you as it did for them. This includes me, so feel free to stop reading at this point.

5) Friends are important. Be sure to make time to hang out with your friends. But realize that friends are not most important, and these relationships will definitely not be the same as they used to be. This is probably a good thing. You also probably shouldn't do some of the things that your bachelor friends are still doing.

6) Family is important too. But your wife comes first. Always.

7) You're no longer allowed to talk to other people about what is wrong with your wife. If you're in the habit of talking to other people about what's wrong with your girlfriend, stop now. This doesn't mean you can't joke about the time she tried to hammer a screw into your plaster wall. It does mean you can't talk about the last argument you had. That's between you and her and unless she pulled out a gun and threatened to kill you, there's really no reason to discuss it with others.

8) Never discuss your sex life with anyone else. Nobody wants to hear about it anyways, and if they do, you should really question why they do. It's not their business. Never will be. If it is, you probably shouldn't be getting married.

9) Money is going to be an issue. I don't care how much of it you have. "An issue" doesn't mean it's a bad thing, it just means you're going to have to find out what works for the two of you.

10) Sleeping is great. A good friend of mine was once asked what the best thing about being married was. He said, "Not having to say goodbye at the end of the day." I concur. If you're already sleeping with your girlfriend, you're really taking away from your marriage. Of course, I have no idea if that is true, but I imagine it is. Because this is one of the best things about marriage, and if you're already doing it, that makes one less special thing for your marriage. Let's not even get into sex before marriage.

11) A church life seems mandatory. I'm sure people can make marriage work without church. I just don't know where I would be without mine. You don't have to go to my church (although I do think it's the best), but I think it's very important to have some type of religious foundation. Anything is better than nothing. Marriage is a sacrament of the church, so getting married without church is like getting circumsised because it feels good. Or wiping before you poop. It just don't make sense. Unless you're getting married for the tax benefits. Then I suppose as long as you both understand that's the reason for the marriage, you'll be okay.

12) It's more fun when you're not alone. I really have a lot of fun with my wife. We play lots of games and laugh a lot. I used to enjoy having lots of time to myself. I still do, but it's more fun having someone else around all the time.

Okay, that's all I have in me for now. I'm sure I could go on all day, but I'm not going to. Feel free to add to this list, or comment on what I've written. Remember, it's your life and only you know what's best. If you disagree with me, just give it time, you'll realize I'm always right. My wife has.

The Polian Corner

I really like Wednesdays. It's half way through the work week, we have our staff meeting (which is actually pretty entertaining), and it means I get to read The Polian Corner.

Every Wednesday at Colts.com, Polian does a little Q&A with Colts.com. If you're a Colts fan, or a football fan in general, you really need to take the time to check this out. He is a football genius and always has great insights into the games and football in general. If you've got a little time in your Wednesday, it's worth checking out.

I also thought I'd point out an interesting blog post that I read from BnPositive's Blog. He explains about an experience he has had with one of the salesmen at Ray Skillman Mitsubishi. It's interesting and worth reading here. Needless to say, I will probably never buy a car from Ray Skillman because of this story. Funny how one negative experience with a business can really ruin people's opinion of that business.

Anyways, there's a couple of things worth reading on your Wednesday, since I have nothing worth saying. Hope you enjoy your Wednesday as much as I do. Good to see the Pacers playing well too.

MySpam #5: Foreign Spam

I started receiving lots of foreign spam mail after I did a post on this blog with foreign words in it. (You can read that one here) I'm convinced that some foreign sites are searching blogs and finding emails and spamming them. I am also intrigued by google hits and who visits this blog and why. So in an attempt to attract strange visitors from foreign lands and to see if I can receive even more foreign spam mail, I am going to post what was sent to my inbox.

I apologize if this content is graphic or disturbing. I have no idea what it says. I just want to see if I start getting visits from Cambodia or something. So, here it is, MySpam #5:

付き合う相手は絶対に自分で探す！これ当たり前！
でも、「出会うきっかけがなかなか無い・・・」とお嘆きの方も多いでしょう。
そんなあなたに提案！！

女性とメル友になれる場、話せる機会を増やそう♪


其の1～ コミュニティサイトへの参加！

　　　　　仲良くなるテクはメールから！

其の2～ 手軽にメル友作りから始めよう！

　　　　　ほんの少しの注意でメル友を速攻Get！

其の3～ 写メのコツをつかめ！

　　　　　写メを綺麗に撮れば相手の注目度もUP！

其の4～ ファーストメールで気を引け！

　　　　　聞き上手に立ち回り、相手の返信をうながせ！

其の5～ メールでデートに誘う！

　　　　　会話の流れを作り、盛り上げてデートに誘え！


　さぁ出会える場に出かけよう！
　成功は行動無しでは有り得ないのです！

If anyone knows what this says, feel free to enlighten me. It must be very important, what with all the exclamation points. It's a bit unnerving to see a music note and the words, "Get UP!" hidden in the message. Oh well. I also think the English language would be more fun if everyone used symbols instead of nouns.

Here's a list of other MySpams:

Be a Man
Sword from Samuarai
Mind Control Powers
Rob Huge Banks and Get Away With It

Why I Don't Want My Dad to Die Yet

Well, pops turned 65 (I think) this past weekend. Sixty-five. It's weird how my parents always seem ageless to me, but when I hear how old they actually are, it's kind of scary. I know they're going to die someday, and age really has nothing to do with it. It could happen tomorrow or fifty years from now. But sixty-five means that Dad is a lot closer to tomorrow than fifty years from now. So of course, this got me thinking.

The first thing I thought was that I am not 100 percent sure that Dad is turning 65. I think that's right, but when people ask, I say, "give or take a few years." Now that's crazy. I should know how old my own dad is. So, why don't I? Then I got to thinking about how there are tons of things about my dad that I don't know. And my mom.

Then during yesterday's Colts game, they played a commercial (I have no idea what it was for) and they said something like, "Do you know your grandfather's middle name?" And I don't. And I know even less about his life than my parents. Let's not even try to name my great-grandparents, I'll just embarrass myself.

I spend a lot of time struggling with who I am and who I want to be and all of that stuff. I mean, I really think about it a lot. So it strikes me that I haven't bothered to find out where I came from. I don't think I'm alone here either. But since it's always better to just speak for yourself, I will continue to do so.

Now, I'm a big fan of the internet and all of the wonderful things it brings to my fingertips. But it's sad that I can find out anything I ever wanted to know about Madonna or Jay Z, but I still haven't figured out how to walk across the street and talk to my parents about their life. I mean, they met in the Vietnam War. My dad left college to join the Marines. Without telling his parents. Their story has to be more interesting than everything on tv (except maybe the Dog Whisperer). But I haven't bothered to hear it. And I imagine I would learn much more about myself from their story than from the millions of other stories I can recite almost by heart. The same goes for my grandparents, I'm sure. But of course, I wouldn't know.

Now, I place some of this blame on my parents. They should've made sure I knew. They should've started young and assumed I would be interested. And if I wasn't, they should have forced me. It's important. I just hope when I have kids, I'll still be able to give them some idea of who their ancestors were, what their ancestors did, and how that shapes who they are.

Also, there's something special about a father's relationship with his son. It's wholly different from any relationship, and I'm not saying anything here that's not obvious. If you want to see the best movie ever made that deals with father/son relationships, watch Braveheart. There are four great examples in that movie. I think that's one of the main reasons it's my favorite movie. Anyways, Dad is who gets to show me what a man is. So what happens when you don't know what kind of a man your own dad is?

So my dad turned sixty-five, or somewhere near there, and it's a bit depressing. Not because he's closer to death, but because there's sixty-five years of life in him that I don't know much about. Which, I think, is a big reason why there's so much of me that I don't know much about either.

Why I Will Never Wear Pink.

I'm a fan of the color pink. I really can't think of any color that I don't like, and find it odd that there are people who don't like certain colors. I guess usually whenever somebody says they don't like a color, it's because it's on something. Nobody just says, "I hate green. Can't stand it. All blue and yellow mixed together and stuff. Stupid green. Wish the world would quit looking so green." Usually it's more along the lines of, "I don't like that pink shirt."


Which brings me to my point. I don't think I'll ever wear anything pink. And not because I don't like the color. As many of you may have noticed, pink has been making a comeback in men's fashion for a while now. I don't know why this is the case, but it is.


I used to think that the only men with true fashion sense were those of the homo persuasion. Any time I saw a man wearing a pink shirt, I just assumed it was super fashion, beyond me, and that this man must be spectacularly gay. Then it came to my attention that there was a new breed of man forming: the metrosexual.


I was informed that these rare breeds actually had a fashion sense AND preferred women. It seems a natural progression of evolution in retrospect, but at the time, this amazed me and totally ruined my ideas about which type of man could wear a pink shirt.

Soon I had friends showing up with pink shirts, looking fashionable, and I didn't know how to react. These guys weren't even metrosexual. I probably did as I always do in uncomfortable situations and started making fun of them. I realize now that this was wrong. I should have at least tried it for myself before making fun of others.

So I found myself staring at the pink, long-sleeve button up, hanging in front of a long line of pink shirts in the men's section of a popular clothing store. I glanced around to make sure nobody was looking and a nervous feeling started wrenching at my gut. I pulled the shirt down and went to the changing room. As I slid my arms through the bright pink sleeves, I swear my wrists came out limp on the other side. A quick glance in the mirror told me that I would never, ever...ever wear pink.

As a side note, it's interesting that you can wear a pink shirt and not be gay, but if it's any other article of clothing, you are fffffflaming. Pink pants = gay. Pink shoes = gay. Pink belt = gay. Pink scarf = gay. Pink purse = gay. Pink shirt = ?.

As another side note, how in the world did Pink ever get chosen to sing the Sunday Night Football theme? It's terrible! Whoever voted that one in should be fired. It was probably the same person who decided that every station had to have at least one female sportscaster on the field to give us injury updates and useless interviews with the losing coach right before halftime. And she has to wear terrible hats. Preferably pink.

Unfortunately, I'll be hearing lots of it this Sunday. Go Colts!

Improv Everywhere hits Millionaire!

This is absolutely brilliant! It's Friday, so I know you're looking for a good distraction and I've found just the thing for you. Go to Improv Everywhere (I'll provide the link at the end of this post) and check out their newest mission.

One of their "agents" actually got on "Who Wants to be a Millionaire?" They thought it would be a perfect opportunity for them to do a "mission." So they decided to make up a fake barbershop quartet and say that this guy was a part of it. Then the three other members of the quartet dressed up and went to the show. They have a clip of those guys being introduced, and they sing "hello..Hello..HELLO!!" in an attempted three part harmony. It is comic genius. Go check it out now. It's worth your time. These guys are great!

IE Barbershop Quartet at Millionaire

I Am at War! Arthur vs. Squirrel, the Battle Begins...

I used to really like squirrels. All cute and cuddly and stuff. They always got out of the road for me and never gave me any reason to hate them. Until last weekend.

Apparently I am at war with the squirrels, and they play dirty. For instance, they start wars and you don't even realize you're in one until it's too late. It's like bombing Pearl Harbor. Don't be fooled by their innocent demeanor, these little rodents are up to no good.

Saturday morning I saw a couple of them running around in the gutters of my house. "That sucks," I thought, "but they're so darn cute." So I didn't think much about it. Then I went to fix a lightbulb on our front porch. It turns out that it wasn't the lightbulb that was the problem. The wiring in the attic attached to the light fixture had been chewed through. When I grabbed a ladder to inspect where those cute, innocent squirrels were playing in my gutters, I saw a gap between the roof and the gutters and apparently the squirrels had made themselves at home.

Squirrels: 1
Arthur: 0

So the battle had begun, and I chose to use chicken wire to seal off their entry.

Squirrels: 1
Arthur: 1

Chicken wire is sharper than it looks and I had a million little cuts and scrapes on my hand that are nearly impossible to see, but sting like a million tiny jellyfish. Or at least how I imagine a million tiny jellyfish would sting.

Squirrels: 2
Arthur: 1

After feeling pretty good about sealing off their entry, I settled down with the wife to watch a scary movie. We chose Amityville Horror (the newer version). It wasn't too scary, but all of a sudden we heard loud scraping and scratching in the wall behind us. After assuring my wife that it wasn't a demon trapped within the walls, I cursed the squirrely rodents who had now become my arch-nemesises (nemesi? nemeseeses?).

Squirrels: 3
Arthur:1

Sunday morning I awoke ready for church and heard a grinding sound that seemed to come from downstairs. I looked out the front window and lo and behold: a little squirrel was back in the gutter gnawing at the wood, trying to get back into his home.

Squirrels: 4
Arthur: 1

I banged on the window to scare him. He stopped and stood up to look at me. I started flailing my hands around to scare him. He ran up closer to the window. I started yelling, "No, you stupid squirrel! You're supposed to be afraid!" He came closer and got on his hind legs, with his front little paws pulled up to his chin. I had to remind myself that he was the enemy as I kept banging on the window. Eventually he ran away.

Squirrels: 4
Arthur: 2

I haven't heard from them again since, so I'm hoping they figure that the house is not a safe place and they won't try to get back in. I'm thinking of picking up a BB gun, just in case. I doubt I could bring myslef to kill one of the furry little bastards, but I would have no problem just popping one in the butt. I just hope they leave me alone and we can go back to the way things used to be.

Hollywood Bar & Filmworks Closes?!

Dangit! First Bob Barker retires and now this!

Hollywood Bar & Filmworks Closes

The End of an Era: Bob Barker Retires?

This news comes as a great shock to me. I love Bob Barker. Seriously. I grew up watching The Price is Right, and it was my dream to be on that show and meet Bob. Sure, it would be great to win some prizes, but the real reward is getting to meet Bob Barker.

Who hasn't dreamed of hearing that voice from above saying, "Come on down! You're the next contestant..." Then the camera pans through the audience to find me jumping up and down with ten of my closest friends and wearing a T-shirt that says, "I heart Bob."

Then I would definitely be that guy who bets one dollar above the previous highest bidder, therefore guaranteeing him a loser. Then the great moment would come, when I would go up to Bob, kiss him on the cheek (they make you sign a contract saying you'll do that, by the way) and tell him that I've been watching his show for over fifteen years. It's a dream many of us have had.

Anyways, it's sad to hear that he'll finally be retiring. It's one of those things that everyone knows is coming, but they just don't want to admit it. Of course, I thought it was coming about twenty years ago, but that's beside the point. It's like death, we all know that's what waits at the end of things, but for some reason we just don't quite believe it. Bob's like that.

So thanks Bob for all the great memories. You will be sorely missed. I can't imagine who they'll get to replace you. But everyone knows you can't replace Bob Barker.

So it's with a heavy heart that I join Bob to remind everyone, "Help control the pet population, be sure to have your pet spayed or neutered."