I used to really like squirrels. All cute and cuddly and stuff. They always got out of the road for me and never gave me any reason to hate them. Until last weekend.
Apparently I am at war with the squirrels, and they play dirty. For instance, they start wars and you don't even realize you're in one until it's too late. It's like bombing Pearl Harbor. Don't be fooled by their innocent demeanor, these little rodents are up to no good.
Saturday morning I saw a couple of them running around in the gutters of my house. "That sucks," I thought, "but they're so darn cute." So I didn't think much about it. Then I went to fix a lightbulb on our front porch. It turns out that it wasn't the lightbulb that was the problem. The wiring in the attic attached to the light fixture had been chewed through. When I grabbed a ladder to inspect where those cute, innocent squirrels were playing in my gutters, I saw a gap between the roof and the gutters and apparently the squirrels had made themselves at home.
So the battle had begun, and I chose to use chicken wire to seal off their entry.
Chicken wire is sharper than it looks and I had a million little cuts and scrapes on my hand that are nearly impossible to see, but sting like a million tiny jellyfish. Or at least how I imagine a million tiny jellyfish would sting.
After feeling pretty good about sealing off their entry, I settled down with the wife to watch a scary movie. We chose Amityville Horror (the newer version). It wasn't too scary, but all of a sudden we heard loud scraping and scratching in the wall behind us. After assuring my wife that it wasn't a demon trapped within the walls, I cursed the squirrely rodents who had now become my arch-nemesises (nemesi? nemeseeses?).
Sunday morning I awoke ready for church and heard a grinding sound that seemed to come from downstairs. I looked out the front window and lo and behold: a little squirrel was back in the gutter gnawing at the wood, trying to get back into his home.
I banged on the window to scare him. He stopped and stood up to look at me. I started flailing my hands around to scare him. He ran up closer to the window. I started yelling, "No, you stupid squirrel! You're supposed to be afraid!" He came closer and got on his hind legs, with his front little paws pulled up to his chin. I had to remind myself that he was the enemy as I kept banging on the window. Eventually he ran away.
I haven't heard from them again since, so I'm hoping they figure that the house is not a safe place and they won't try to get back in. I'm thinking of picking up a BB gun, just in case. I doubt I could bring myslef to kill one of the furry little bastards, but I would have no problem just popping one in the butt. I just hope they leave me alone and we can go back to the way things used to be.