Look At This Duck

Thought this was really funny just now. We'll see in a day or two.

The Top Ten Recut Movie Trailers

Now here's a top ten list I've been meaning to do for a long while. I've put together what I believe are the top ten recut movie trailers. There are many to choose from and it was difficult to sift through them all, but in the end, I'm happy with this list. Most recuts out there would fall within the bottom three of this list. So, if you only have time to look at a few of these, make sure you spend your time in the top five. Anyways, hope you enjoy!


10) Sleepless in Seattle: Horror Recut

This recut is one of many that takes the obvious route of turning a comedy into a horror movie. The reason it actually cracks the list, is because the editing is fairly well done and it isn't just a jumbled mess of clips set to scary music (like many similar recuts).



9) Office Space: Thriller Recut

Number nine on the list takes the same idea a bit further, with more of an arc to the trailer. This one is better because everyone is so familiar with the scenes in Office Space (no seriously, everyone). That makes it better when you see them out of context. I really hate that I had to spell that out for you.



8) Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory: Drug Baron Recut

This trailer gets bonus points for being creative in its choice of genre. Instead of taking the obvious route of turning a family movie into a horror flick, this recut makes Wonka out to be a drug lord. The results are fantastical.



7) Jaws: Love Story Recut

This recut is titled, "Must Love Jaws." It is one of the best horror turned love story recuts (second only to #2 on this list). Great choice of music in this recut. At first I didn't like the ridiculous ending to this trailer, but the second time I watched it, I found it hilarious.




6) The Dark Knight - Toy Story 2: Trailer Mashup Recut

This next trailer is actually one of my favorites, even though it's toward the middle of the list. Some genius took the audio from The Dark Knight trailer and set it to scenes from Toy Story 2 (and at least one scene from the first Toy Story, but still). The mashup comes together perfectly. In case you need it, here is the original Batman trailer:



And then the mashup:




The next three trailers are pretty much a tie. Whoever came up with this concept first deserves the most credit, but I have no way of figuring that out. The hilarious idea is to take a random movie and set it to the theme from Brokeback Mountain. I know, you're already laughing. It is that funny. There are enough of these trailers out there to make a separate top ten list, but these three are best. Ladies and gentlemen: The Brokebacks.

5) The Brokeback Redemption



4) Planes Trains and Automobiles: Brokeback Recut



3) Brokeback to the Future



The last two recut trailers on this list are in a league of their own. They were both among the first recuts ever made, which gives them bonus points. They are also the epitome of turning horror into comedy and vice versa. These are the two that every other recut is trying to equal. But they can't.

2) Shining




1) Scary Mary



Well, that about does it. If you enjoyed those, feel free to look for more. There are tons out there. For more recut trailers click the link below. Add your favorites to the comment section. Or leave a comment just for fun. It'll encourage me to actually blog again.

More Recut Trailers

The Best and Worst of Local Television Commercials

With the dawn of television, the commercial became the most effective advertising tool known to man (based on a recent study at Harvard). Absurd amounts of money and resources began to flow into advertising. Ad wars exploded between fast food chains, beer companies, car manufacturers, soda pop makers, and whatever category Nike and Reebok fit into. We were a nation of consumers glued to our couches and there was only one way to get us to buy.

During this commercial boom era, something slowly and magnificently began to emerge from the shadows. An art form sprang forth, understood only by those with the tightest of budgets. It was the local television commercial.

Barely equipped with their shoe-string budgets, local businesses decided to join the battle for America's attention. Armed with nothing but a lively personality, local business achieved some of the greatest feats in advertising history. Today, we will look at just a small sample of the greatness that is the local television commercial. Hopefully at the end of these Magnificent Seven, you will grow to appreciate this tidbit of Americana.

Don's Guns: Indianapolis, IN
"And remember folks- I don't wanna make any money, I just love to sell guns."

Since I live in Indianapolis, I thought it would be fitting to begin with this city's greatest local commercial advertiser. The man, the legend: Don Davis. Anyone who grew up in Indy knows who Don is. There's an image implanted in my brain of Don Davis shooting me with his finger and laughing that creepy laugh of his. Here's an image ripped from the front page of his web site:



That there pretty much says it all.

Unfortunately, the internet fails when it comes to providing quality Don's Guns commercials. However, I did find two. This first one is pretty standard for Don's commercials. Here, he's offering up gun rentals:



This next video takes us back a few decades. This one is more in line with the average local commercial. Trying to be funny and gimmicky at the same time. I love the brilliant "old man" joke in this commercial. It's an old man joke, because all old men have a grab bag full of these kinds of jokes and they're only funny if an old man says it. Props to a younger Don for trying to pull this one off:



Did you notice the marquee scroll across the top of the commercial? "Don's Guns...voted WORST LOCAL TV COMMERCIAL...Indianapolis Magazine- 1984 and 1985..." Got to love a guy who proudly displays that within his commercial. (I tried to confirm that statement, with no luck.)

For what it's worth, I did consider Watson's in the running here ("That's Watson's!"). I also thought of Bob Rohrman ("Bob Roooooooarman") and Blossom Chevrolet ("Lordy, they're good people). I just think Don's got them beat pretty solidly.

Having dealt with my own local TV commercial giant, it's time to take a gander at what the rest of this country has to offer.

These next couple videos represent what I think is the bread and butter for local television commercials. It's the typical commercial that tries to use humor to sell a product. After viewing, you and your friends sit in silence for a minute before looking at each other and cracking up.

Pizza-N-Go: Lawrenceville, PA
This first one takes a simple formula: Show your staple product in the background. Then add something ridiculous in the foreground that people will laugh at. It's nonsensical and out of place for the product. Humor sells, but you'd better be sure that what you're doing is humorous before placing all your eggs in that basket.

So here we have a white guy dancing and not-quite rapping and somehow this is supposed to make you want to eat a pizza. It's great as far as local commercials go, but can't be doing much for product recognition:



Georgia Car Credit: Moultrie, GA
The folks at Georgia Car Credit took things a little further. They were able to tie in their "humor" with the product. In this commercial you have a white person acting like a pimp who gives credit to the masses. He is aptly dubbed the "Credit MacDaddy." It's one of many attempts by white America to adopt the "hip-hop" culture, in a playful way. It's "funny" because white people can't rap or dance. It gets approved by upper management, because older white people think it's really funny when white people act and speak in ways that they think are "ghetto."

There's something terribly wrong watching the whitest of white folk act this way. Even when they're blatantly trying to be funny. That almost makes it worse. Anyways, it makes for a great local commercial that I'm sure everyone in Georgia just loves. They even throw in some slapstick humor with the ol' pie-in-the-face gag:



This next video epitomizes everything that a local commercial should be. They use what I call the Four Basic Building Blocks for Local Television Commercial Success:
1) In-house actors
2) Catchy music
3) Memorable Quote
4) Humor

If you throw those four factors into any local commercial, you will have guaranteed success. However, this next video also includes the elusive "Fifth Factor" that takes a good local commercial and turns it into something special. See if you can find what it is.

The Red House: High Point, NC
Rather than take the all too obvious gimmick of white people acting black, the folks at the Red House take the higher road. We've come a long way in this country and it's time to realize that we're all a part of the same culture. The Red House asks the question, "Can't we all just get along?" and answers with an emphatic, "WE CAN!"



Let's run through our Four Basics as applied to this commercial.

1) In-house Actors. Check! With Bighead and Ten Gauge stealing the show, this commercial is chock-full of in-house talent. The best part is they can't act worth a lick and are often seen reading their lines. All two of them.

2) Catchy Music. Check! Come on, admit it. You're already singing "At the Reeeed House..." over and over in your head. Nice harmony by white guys in ties. They even pay homage to the Wurlitzer with the digitized background theme.

3) Memorable Quote. Check plus! "Where black people and white people by furniture." Ooops! "...and Hispanic people too." Oh, that's just beautiful.

4) Humor. Check! Nothing's funnier than seeing people spell out the obvious. "I'm black. And I love the Red House." "I'm white..." That's just funny. And having a large black man jump into sofa saying, "Look at this sofa, it's perfect for a black person," is just gold.

So, did you catch what the Fifth Factor is? I hope so. It's crucial to a great commercial and it's what separates this one from the two prior. The Fifth Factor is created when the audience can't tell if you're being funny on purpose or not. I really want to think that the folks at the Red House knew how funny this commercial was going to be when they made it. But I can't help wonder if they were taking this seriously. That's what makes it so perfect.

I'm not sure if you can intentionally create this Fifth Factor. As soon as you start thinking that people are laughing with you and not at you, then you've lost. But then when people do laugh at you, they are really just laughing with you in the end, but you can't know that when you start. It's a very difficult concept to wrap your head around.

Let's see if we can figure it out with another commercial.

TDM Auto Sales: High Point, NC
This next commercial is popular enough that you may have already seen it. Yes that's right. It's the Cuban Gynecologist turned American Auto Salesman:



See how well the Fifth Factor works here? They don't even have a catchy tune (although there is music). Now this is obviously meant to be funny. The key here though is that this guy doesn't really understand why what he's doing is funny. It makes for a great local commercial.

I'm sure the guys who made it had a ton of fun doing it. Oh, how about that? Here's a behind the scenes video from the guys who made that commercial. Watching Rudy in this video is probably even funnier than the commercial.



Side note: If you're paying attention, you will have noticed that two of the greatest local commercials in this country come from High Point, North Carolina. That's impressive and almost makes it worth moving there.

Okay, so we've seen what it takes to build a good local TV commercial and taken a peek at some of the best in the business. Now it's time to see a few epic failures. These videos are similar in their failures, but they get there in totally different ways. The first video fails in concept.

Golden Gate Funeral Home
"Where service begins, and never ends."

Now, some people may argue with me and I can see where they may have a point. When your business is funeral homes, it's probably tough to come up with a good way to sell your product. The fine folks at Golden Gate decided to use the Four Basic Building Blocks... and failed. This is because in order to use humor, you have to be conscious of your product. You have to be careful when dealing with death and I'm not sure they pulled it off. I don't know, I guess it was funny enough for me to post here, but this just seems wrong. Hilariously wrong.



Well, we've come to the end of our exploration of local TV commercials. Appropriately, I've saved the worst (making it the best?) for last. This next video fails on almost every level possible. It's so atrocious, I can't even give it a proper introduction.

Fred and Sharon's Movie Productions: ????
That's right, I'm not sure where this commercial first aired. Possibly over the internet. To be fair, I think they're from BC, Canada. Leave it to the Canadians to take awesome American things and ruin them. They've taken local commercial quality and thrown it out into the netherworld. If you're trying to sell a product, this commercial should be a good learning tool. Just do everything exactly the opposite. It really is bad. It's fitting that it should end our list:



Links:

Don's Guns
Fred and Sharon's Movie Productions
TDM Auto Sales
Golden Gate Funeral Home
Red House
Pick up your Red House T-Shirt here: Link

The Sock Conspiracy

I'm walking down the street and a tall, lanky man strides into my view. As he approaches, I notice an oddly familiar pep in his step. The toothy grin on his face is infectious and I think to myself, "That is one happy man." He turns and winks at me. Suddenly, I understand. "You're wearing new socks," I say, as a matter of fact. "Mmm, hmmm..." he sings back at me, and he whistles on his merry way.

Ahhhh... There are few things more pleasurable than slipping on a warm pair of brand new socks. Something about the smooth way they hug your feet is darn near unbeatable. It's a proven fact that if you wear new socks, you will have a good day. Actually, I do believe Barack Obama was wearing new socks last Tuesday.

Here is a picture of Obama on Monday, where he was wearing old socks, but the mere thought of the new socks he would wear the next day brought a slight smile to his face.



And then here he is on Tuesday, with his brand new socks on.



But, alas. Like all of the most wonderful things in this world, that new sock feeling is a fleeting one. After that first day, your new socks begin to lose their luster. Suddenly, they don't hug as tight or look so bright. Your feet feel neglected and your heart is as empty as an old-worn-out sock.



You know what is incredible? We have gotten to the point where we can control things with our mind. It's true. We can wire our brains to computers and use technology to move things around.

But what good is technology if we can't make socks that stay glorious for more than one day? Honestly, why hasn't this happened? It seems simple compared with hooking computers to our brains. We should have easily figured it out by now.

I'll tell you why it doesn't exist. Here's a little clue:



That's right, it's a damn Sock Conspiracy!! Nobody ever thinks about it, because it's just a sock. But it could be so much more. The sock making companies know this. They also know that if they developed this technology, nobody would buy new socks anymore. That's why Willy Wonka isn't real. The fat cats who make candy would never really want an "everlasting" gobstopper.

If that doesn't get your blood boiling, think about this. Have you ever wondered why socks are shaped the way they are? You probably thought it was because your foot kind of looks like that. Well, you're wrong. Sock companies make socks a certain way, so that you'll be inclined to put it on your foot at the exact same place every time. Why is this? Obviously, everybody knows that the heel of the sock gets the most abuse and wears out the quickest. So the sock companies developed ways to make sure the sock threads supporting your heel will have to bear the brunt of the abuse every...single...time.

The shape of the sock isn't the only way they do this. They put patterns on the sock where the top of your foot is supposed to be, but leave the bottom blank. Dress socks are the best at this tactic.



If you don't believe me, try this. The next time you go to put on some socks, try purposely "putting them on wrong." I'll bet your feet won't know the difference. I swear, I'm wearing mine wrong right now, and my feet feel fine. My socks last about four times longer than they normally would.

So now you're thinking, "why would I want to keep wearing my old socks when the best thing about a sock is getting a new one?" Well, now you're just one step away from truly opening your mind.

Since sock companies don't want to develop the technology to make "everlasting new" socks, and have even gone so far as to force us to wear down the socks we have, the only way we can fight back is to wear our old socks as long as we possibly can. That will force competing sock companies to come up with the longest lasting, most comfortable sock known to man. Don't fall into their trap. Try using all of your sock, instead of just what the sock companies want you to use. It's the only way we'll get what we truly deserve in a sock.

Open your mind. Fight the Conspiracy.

Video: "Take On Me" Literal Version

Wow. Once again I find myself saying, "Why didn't I think of that?" In this hilarious video, someone was creative enough to rewrite the lyrics to a popular song so that they match the action going on in the music video. It's genius. They chose A-Ha's "Take On Me." A Ha, a ha.



The pipe wrench stuff is brilliant. I can only hope there are many more of these.

Best Job in the World: Voice Actor

I've found another job to add to my growing list of things I'd love to get paid to do: voices for cartoons. It's got to be one of the best jobs possible. Go into a sound booth, make some funny voices, get paid. Sweet.

The best part would be when you're in a group of strangers and they all start doing their impression of your cartoon voice, then you're all like, "Dammit Bobby, you're doing that voice all wrong." Then they would all bow down to your superior impressionistic skills. Except it wouldn't be an impression, cause it's you.

The next best thing to being a voice actor is watching a voice actor do a familiar character. Which brings us to today's fun. I've compiled a small group of videos where you can get in on the joys of being a voice actor. There may be a downside to this job, but I just refuse to see it.

The first clip, as you've no doubt guessed, is from when the cast of the Simpsons appeared on Inside the Actor's Studio hosted by the unconquerable James Lipton. If you've somehow missed this, it's awesome. Take a gander:


Simpsons: Inside the Actors Studio


In the next video, we actually literally go inside the actor's studio with the cast of The Family Guy. It's weird when they say their lines out of context and without the other characters responding. And when they repeat the same line over and over, hoping to get one right. Pretty interesting.

Family Guy Voices


This next video may be my favorite of the bunch. It's an incredibly interesting clip from one of the greatest voice actors of all time: Mel Blanc. He goes through each of his famous characters and tells how he came up with their voices. Man, I miss those old Looney Tunes.

Mel Blanc: Creating Warner Bros. Cartoon Voices


Next up is a series of videos that go behind the scenes of voices in Disney animation. It's also ridiculously interesting and if you only have time for one (they're all short), watch the first one.

Behind the Scenes: Disney Character Voices. Part 1


Part 2


Part 3


Part 4


Boy, this is fun. The only way this could be better is if it were somehow possible to get an iconic figure from my childhood to tell me more about voices in animation. Someone like... oh, I don't know... Doogie Howser, M.D.!!! (cool voice stuff is about 2:00 in)

Best of Disney: Voices of Characters


Well, if that didn't convince you that voice acting is one of the best jobs possible, then you're probably a voice actor. Actually, the whole animation process is pretty darn cool. Hope you enjoyed this little break from whatever boring, dead-end job you have. If you're still bored, you can watch the entire episode of "Inside the Actor's Studio" with the Simpsons. Enjoy!

Simpsons Part 1


Part 2


Part 3


Part 4


Part 5

Boom Goes the Dynamite

Here's a classic for you. Good ol' Indiana home-grown talent.

Ball State news reporter Brian Collins gives us the sports beat. Pay close attention to the Pacers highlights. That's where Brian really gets into a groove and unleashes the now infamous phrase, "Boom Goes the Dynamite."



I think his boyish looks are just perfect.

After you've enjoyed this a few times, try listening to it while reading the transcript. It's somehow even funnier. Good stuff.

Boom Goes the Dynamite- with transcript

Then I also found this video, which shows the publicity Collins received and also reveals where he came up with his ingenious catchphrase. I won't spoil it for you, but it's pretty much the best possible story.

How Great Commenting Can Enhance Your Viewing Pleasure

Today I have two seemingly unrelated videos to share with you. One is from a high school football game in 1994; the other from a local newscast. How could they possibly be related?

When I first watched these videos, I immediately knew they were great. Then when I started thinking about why, I realized that it wasn't because of the video footage itself. It was because of the people commenting on the video. If you mute either one of these, you will immediately loose 65% of your viewing pleasure.

The first video is from the 1994 Plano East- John Tyler football game. It's an amazing comeback and I'm sure most of you have probably seen it before. When you watch it this time through, pay attention to the commentators. They remind me a bit of ol' Slick Leonard. See if you can pick out these gems: "Attababy!" "Dadgummit." "Good-gosh Almighty!" and of course, "I done wet ma britches!" Be sure to watch this video to the end, it's awesome.



Then in this next video we see a local news crew doing a segment about a fashion show in Paris. During the show, one of the models stumbles and falls. I admit, that can be funny. But what makes this hilarious is listening to these two guys laugh at her fall.

I promise you cannot watch this entire video, with the sound on, and not laugh by the end of it. I would even argue that you could probably close your eyes and just listen to them laugh, and it would make you laugh. They just have that perfect laugh, which is indescribably contagious. I've watched it five times in a row now and laughed every time. Just see for yourself.



Ah man, that's good stuff.

Scaring Little Kids

One of the most entertaining things you can possibly do in life is to scare someone. I'm not sure exactly why this is true, but it is. I also think being scared is almost as fun.

Obviously, I'm not talking about this scenario:

"Dude, I heard your brother died. That sucks."
"What?"
"Ha-ha. Scared you."

That's called being an annoying idiot.

I'm talking about hiding in the back seat of your wife's car early in the morning before she goes to work, then jumping up and grabbing her. I don't recommend doing this, but it's a good example of the kind of scaring that we're talking about here.

Since kids are a bit more vulnerable than adults, and typically give the best reaction while being scared, I've compiled a collection of some of the best videos of kids being scared. Hope you enjoy.

Kid Sings Britney Spears
No scared kid video list would be complete without this one. It's not my favorite, but it is funny. What makes this funny is that the kid really gets into singing Britney Spears and then the way he just passes out or whatever. It's a good warm-up video:



Dad Scares Kids With Where's Waldo
I like this one because the dad set it up. It just makes me smile to see that man laughing his head off, while the child he just scared runs to him for comfort. My kids are seriously screwed.



**Quick Side Note**
Can scaring kids cause permanent damage? What kind of psychological evidence do they have on this stuff? I'm reminded of a personal story that was hilarious, but could have been traumatizing. Can't believe I forgot about this till now: Baby Anni.

These next two videos go hand-in-hand, because they epitomize the two classic responses to being scared.

How to Respond to Being Scared
I love this first video. It shows an older brother setting up his younger brother for a scare. If you have a brother, you'll love this too, cause it captures what having a brother is all about. This little brother handles being scared perfectly. He screams, then his scream smoothly transitions into hysterical laughter. Watch the whole thing to fully enjoy the brotherly love. And this kid has a perfect scream.



How Not to Respond to Being Scared
If only every person being scared could handle it so well. Alas, this next kid shows us the opposite end of the spectrum. I'm annoyed at this little guy and I don't even know him. Watch this one all the way through to witness the shame.



Texas Chainsaw Massacre Scare
This next video is a classic. It's been around for a while, but is still the best scare video out there. Everything is explained in the video, so just enjoy it.



Scare Montage
To round out my list, I'm just going to leave you with the "Scared Silly" montage. It's just a quick snippet of kids, adults, and even animals getting scared. Really, I just want you to see the last clip on this video. I LOL'd.



Bonus Scare Videos
As a bonus for reading this far, here are a couple funny scare-related videos. I saw this first one on America's Funniest Videos, then found it on Youtube. This kid's dad has to dress up and change his voice in order to get the kid to go to bed. Pretty funny. Dad scares his son to sleep:



Then of course, I had to add the hilarious "Never Scare a Black Man" videos. Again, these are self-explanatory.






If you would like to be scared yourself, take a moment to enjoy one of this blog's more popular posts: The Scariest Things on the Internet

You've Been Rickroll'd

If you haven't been Rickroll'd yet, or haven't seen exactly how amazing this phenomenon has gotten, then today is your lucky day. This post is dedicated entirely to the awesomeness of Rick Astley and his now infamous video.




To begin, if you have no idea what I'm talking about, then you probably rarely use the interwebs. And if you do, you probably never venture outside of the same five or six websites contained within your small sphere of comfort. Get out there and live a little, man!

Luckily for you, Life in the Shadows is one of your few websites, and we're here to make sure you get caught up on all the fun stuff happening in that crazy world wide web. So, where did the Rick Roll start? I'm glad you asked.

A brief history: Rickrolling began way back when young Richard Paul Astley got sick of hearing how great the Beatles were and decided to do something about it. In 1987 he released the single, "Never Gonna Give You Up" and a legend was born. The second British invasion had arrived, but the world had no idea exactly how far this would go. (For a full history of Rick Astley click here )

Meanwhile, back in the future around April 20, 2006 a man named "4Chan" thought he was clever and decided to try something. He invented a duck on wheels and gave that duck a website. Then he got all of his Chinese friends to help him make that duck famous. They did this by tricking people. Unsuspecting web surfers would think they were about to click a link relevant to the topic at hand, but would instead be sent to the duck. Hence, duckrolling was born. (For more on 4Chan and "duckrolling" click here. Also, props to Wikipedia for this information.)



By this time, many had forgotten the awesomeness of Rick Astley, as he had decided to retire after creating a masterpiece that could never be outdone. Not surprisingly, someone came up with the brilliant idea of merging a duckroll with Rick Astley's "Never Gonna Give You Up." Now we have the Rickroll, and your life will never be the same.

The Rickroll has truly become a widespread epidemic. At first it was a fun little prank between a few friends. Then on April Fool's Day of 2008, things started getting a little out of hand. Youtube linked all of their front page featured videos to the Rick Roll. Many other sites also participated in rickrolling their viewers (for a full list of sites who participated in the April 1, 2008 Rick Rolling click here)

Then came this little gem, when it was discovered that there was a long lost blooper reel from the Muppets. This video is simply amazing:



(side note: I love Beeker's moves when he says "...got to make you, understand...")

Now flashback to February 2008. Imagine you want to do a protest against a ridiculous religion. What do you think would be the best way to get your point across during your protest? That's right. A Rick Roll:



Now we're gonna flash back to the future again to March 2008. The Eastern Washington University women's basketball team is in a heated battle against... well, who cares. Suddenly a familiar tune breaks out over the loudspeakers. What's that? Oh yeah, that's right. A Rick Roll:



(DJ steals the show, imo)

In April 2008, the New York Mets had the brilliant idea of letting online voters decide which song should be played during their 8th inning sing-a-long at Shea Stadium. They also let the voters choose their own song. Gee, I wonder what could possibly happen here? Perhaps...maybe...a Rick Roll?



Rickroll Bonus: At Liverpool Street Station in London, hundreds decided to get together and perform what has been aptly dubbed the "Rickmob." Participating in a Rickmob has now joined my list of things to do before I die. Rickmob:



Obviously, Rickrolling is here to stay. If you come up with a good idea for a rickroll, be sure to videotape it and put it up on Youtube. It might make you famous. Also, if you come across any other great Rickrolls, be sure to add them to the comments here so that I can enjoy it as well.

Serious credits below:
Wikipedia: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Rickroll
yougotrickrolled.com
YouTube
cnn.com

Rick Roll Chart:

Drunk History

It's been a while since I did a nonsensical post for some Friday fun. So today I offer up a video that I recently viewed for the first time and found quite hilarious. It's called "Drunk History" and is exactly what it sounds like. This is the story of Alexander Hamilton's duel with Aaron Burr. As seen through the hazy lens of a drunk history buff. Enjoy.

Basic Instructions by Scott Meyer

I don't read comics much anymore. Every once in a while, I'll read through the paper and take some time to go through the comics. I'm never really impressed. For the record, my least favorite comic in the whole world is Ziggy.

However, there is a comic out there that is pure brilliance. The name of the comic is Basic Instructions and it's written by Scott Meyer. He uses situational comedy and the comics are hilarious. I haven't read through them all, but the ones I've read are awesome. The more you read, the more you'll like it. He often uses the same characters (boss, wife, friend, etc). If you have the time, I suggest going to Basic Instructions and reading through some of the archives. It's an awesome comic that deserves some recognition and you won't be disappointed. If you're too lazy for that, here are a few good ones (click to enlarge):

Dungy and Belichick Hate Each Other. I Hate Belichick Too.

(AP photo)

Well, hate is a strong word. Maybe despise is better. You can see the disgust in Dungy's face as he shakes hands with Belicheat. He looks like he swallowed a bug.

I think Belichick hates anyone not named Bill Belichick, so perhaps it's unfair to call out his hatred for Dungy. Belichick brushes by every coach at the end of the game, so this picture proves nothing.

Dungy is a great man with high morals and dignity. How could he not despise a cretin like Belichick? I am a small man, with limited morals and average dignity. And I'm disgusted with Belichick. I can't imagine what putrid flavor of disgust gathers at the back of Dungy's throat every time he comes within sniffing distance of Belichick. Just look at his face! Poor man.

Let's break down the name "Belichick." First you have the word Beli, which is the name of a giant in Norse mythology. Then you have the word chick, which can loosely be translated into the word "bitch." Put them together and that gives you "giant bitch." Bill Belichick. Bill the giant bitch.

I apologize for the offensive language, but the English language is full of many words and it's important to choose the word that best fits what you are trying to describe.

Awkward Moments

I currently work in a building that has really long hallways. I often have to walk up and down these hallways throughout the day. The shape of these hallways creates one of the most awkward moments possible.

The thing about most awkward moments is that they get less awkward the more they happen. For instance, a first date can be pretty awkward. But the more dates you go on, the more comfortable you get. Or if it's awkward for you to poop in front of your wife, that usually goes away after about two weeks. Unfortunately, this awkward moment seems to get worse every time.

The hallways at work are extremely long and narrow (insert immature phallic joke here). And I work near the end of the hallway, which means I have to travel its entirety to get to my office. The problem is that I often cross paths with my coworkers many times during the day.

The awkwardness comes when I am aware of a coworker at the end of the hall and I know that he is aware of me. I'm faced with quite the dilemma:

a) Yell down the hall, "Hey buddy, how's it going?" and hope he can hear me.
b) Stare intently at the walls on either side as if there's something interesting going on there.
c) Duck into the nearest office and hope it's empty.

The problem with choosing "a" is that usually when people say, "Hey, how are you?" or "How was your weekend," or "Is your dad still on chemo?" they don't really care how you feel. I'm one of those people. I'm just being polite. These hallways offer way too much time for a coworker to answer that question and then go into detail about how they spent their weekend trying to sober up from that crazy Friday night they had Tiki Bob's. So there's no way I'm choosing "a." That just leads to more awkwardness.

The problem with "b" is that it's way too obvious that I'm trying to ignore my coworker. Usually if I start with "b," I end up realizing how ridiculous it is, then I'll raise a finger in the air and pretend I just remembered something and turn around to go back to my office, waiting for the coworker to pass. Option "b" never works.

The problem with "c" is that even if you have a 50/50 chance of an office being empty, it can create an enormously awkward moment during the times that you do rush into someone else's office and they stare up at you, waiting to see why you're in there.

So far the best thing I've come up with is to always travel the halls with a folder full of important papers. I can pretend to be absorbed by the folder's contents, until I practically bump into my coworker, give him a quick "Hey, how's it going?" and move on without listening to his response.

The only problem I'm finding is that it's pretty awkward to have to take a folder full of important documents with you to the men's room.

Evidence That Deaf People Are Just Messing With Us

Yesterday we had our Retro Super Bowl Party, to relive that glorious day when the Colts won the Super Bowl. It was a lot of fun and I can't wait for the season to start. However, while I was previewing the DVDs to make sure they worked, I noticed something crazy during Billy Joel's performance of the National Anthem during Super Bowl XLI.

Marlee Matlin gets the honor of being the Sign Language Interpreter for the National Anthem. If you watch the YouTube video below, it would seem that deaf people use the same sign for "glare," "bombs bursting," and "air." Pay attention around the 45 second mark and you'll see what I'm talking about. It's pretty bad (but keep reading, it gets worse).



When I was searching for the above clip, I came across another interesting one. This next YouTube video shows "Jason" signing at the same time as Marlee during the Super Bowl. He uses different signs. Pay close attention at the 55 second mark for his interpretation of "rockets red glare." Seriously? (but keep reading, it gets worse)



I finally found this last video of "samantha" signing the entire anthem. She seems to confirm Marlee's interpretation of "red glare" (35 second mark), but then she goes nuts on "bombs bursting." Check it out.



So I am thoroughly confused. Apparently, when you're signing the National Anthem, you're free to do whatever the heck you want for "and the rockets red glare, the bombs bursting in air..." One of these days, I'll put my own interpretation up on YouTube.

I'm convinced that deaf people are just messing with us for fun. Really they all just know how to read lips.

Why Women Are Smarter Than Men

I often make jokes about how men are smarter than women. I'm sure if you spent five minutes looking through the archives of this blog, you could find ten examples of that fact. The truth is, men don't even come close.

You may be reading this and thinking that I'm trying to set up a really funny joke that proves how men are really smarter than women. If you are thinking that, you're probably a man. That's how men think. A man would read the title of this post and think to himself, "Ooooh, this is probably going to be a good joke." A woman would read it and think, "Only a man would try to explain a universal fact."

It is true that men should be smarter than women. We have larger brains, which gives us the capacity to retain more information. We've only recently given women the same rights that we have, so we have centuries of learning and education that women are trying to make up. We have little things we like to call "reason" and "logic;" things for which women have no need.

What women do have is the trump of all trumps. It doesn't matter how much smarter men should be, we will never be as smart as women. This is because women have what they call "A Woman's Intuition." Men don't like to acknowledge that this intuition is more useful than all of their knowledge, skill, and experience combined. That doesn't change the facts.

Intuition follows no logical pattern; it changes at random. It seems to mold itself to fit the woman's will. I would almost go so far as to say that A Woman's Intuition has the ability to influence time and space. What should logically never happen, suddenly becomes commonplace when A Woman's Intuition tells her it should be so.

An example of this is when a woman fills out her NCAA Tournament bracket. Using nothing but her intuition, she can out-pick the most knowledgable, intelligent college basketball analysts on the planet.

Another example is when your wife tells you it's time to get a new car.

The Faggot Family Launches National Faggot Week

Yeah, you heard me. The Faggot Family.

The problem with trying to write something funny about this news story is that nothing can possibly make it funnier. The only thing that makes this even better is that the "Faggot Family" actually has the real last name of Doody. I'll just let you read the rest of the article. You can't possibly make it funnier. Here are a few questionable quotes from the BBC news story:

"It's unfair because faggots were a British delicacy long before any of the others."

The competition was organised by faggot producer Mr Brain's Faggots.

Faggots were called "savoury ducks" in the Middle Ages.

"The great British faggot is full of flavour and a great belly warmer at this time of year."

Original story:
Family of faggot fans fly the flag

(Thanks of course to Chuck for pointing me to this article)

Google Maps- Drive to London...in Less than a Month!

Google Maps is truly an amazing navigational tool. You can get directions to just about anywhere. And I mean anywhere.

I decided to find out how long it would take to drive from Indianapolis, Indiana to London, UK. Google Maps was up to the challenge. Not only did they find directions, they found a way to do it in less than a month! (results here)

According to Google Maps- "Drive: 4,671 mi (about 29 days 21 hours)"



After looking at that map, I know what you're thinking. "But Arthur, that route has me driving over the Atlantic Ocean. My car doesn't float!"

Ahh, ye of little faith. You forgot that Google Maps was at the helm. If you'll look closely at the directions, you can clearly see that they take care of this minor obstacle in step #18:



So, 3,462 miles later, you will arrive in...France? I must admit, this had me questioning the navigational skills of Google Maps. I mean, if I were to swim across the Atlantic Ocean to get to London, I would think the fastest way would be to swim right up into England.



However, we are instructed to swim into France. I know Google is never wrong, so I started thinking about why they would send us to France?

I assume it is because they have our health in mind and the rocky shores of Southwestern England is no place for a tourist to be swimming. Not to mention the fact that Americans are familiar with the beaches of Normandy, so this would be a logical destination. Maybe Google gets a referral bonus from the A29 autoroute. Whatever the reason, you can rest assure that this is the fastest route possible.

Now, before you go do anything stupid, like trying to drive across the Pacific Ocean, you need to know that- unlike the Atlantic Ocean- it can't be done. I tried to find directions to Hawaii, and there appears to be a big ocean in the way.

Peyton Manning and United Way- SNL Skit

I'm sure you've all seen this skit by now, especially those of you who live in Indy. A friend of mine from Florida recently sent it to me saying, "So you have probably seen this, but I thought you should know to keep your kids away from Peyton Manning."

Then I realized how ironic this whole skit is, becuase this is actually how we raise our kids here in Indiana. I'm sure this particular skit was funny in New York, California and Florida, but it was completely lost on the folks from Indiana. After that segment aired on Saturday night, the entire state (and parts of northern Kentucky) said, "I don't get it."

I informed my friend of this fact, and he replied, "So there are lots of kids running around with Peyton Manning tattoos?"

I answered: "Kids?"

GO COLTS!!

Fun With Stock Photos- Make Your Own Caption!

At my current job, we use hundreds of stock photos within our courses. Our courses teach about all aspects of the mortgage industry, so we need lots of different pictures for the millions of topics that we cover. For instance, if I were building a course about a broker who just closed a loan and was thinking to himself, "Booyah!" I would put in this photo:



Or if I was writing an example scenario about an intern who has to work his way up to middle management and take crap from all his superiors, I would use this photo:



"I said shave those sideburns, hippy!"

I often wonder if these photos ever get used in other people's courses and websites, or if we own the license on every one of them. Well, last week I did a post on Get Over it Day. While I was at the site, I noticed a few familiar faces. Humor me for a moment and go over to their website real quick (will give you link in a moment). When you get there, look at the photos in the upper right hand corner of the webpage. Pay particular attention to the man at the far right with the snazzy purple tie. Take a few moments to get familiar, then come back here. (view their website here)

Now those are classic stock photos. You can tell because each photo is just oozing emotion. When I saw these, I was pretty sure we had the same ones. I have yet to find an identical match, but I did find something even better. Remember the depressed man in the purple tie? Well I found the same man, same suit, but with a different background. See if you can find any other differences:



You guessed it! We have "happy token black guy in snazzy purple tie." A useful photo for many occasions. So now I wonder how many different expressions this guy made in that same suit. If you ever find any more of him, please be sure to let me know. Anyways, I was amazed to find his alter ego on another website, so I thought I would share.

Here's a bit more fun with stock photos. As you know, many famous actors have look-a-likes for various occasions. When they're not busy looking like famous people, these actors do photo shoots for stock photos. Here is Keanu Reeves' look-a-like, doing his impression of "The Matrix 4: Neo Takes on Wall Street:"



"My name... is Mr. Anderson!"

And we also have Cuba Gooding Jr.'s look-a-like doing his impression of "Crazy Radio stubs his toe:"



The last thing I want to share with you is my all time favorite stock photo. I try to put this photo in about every third page of our courses. If there were such thing as an Oscar for stock photos, this guy would win. This is the Pulitzer of stock photography. This photo can be used appropriately for any and all situations. The expression on this man's face could mean anything. So, enter your own caption in the comments section and see what you can come up with. Feel free to enter multiple times. I love this guy: