Friday, November 14, 2008

The Sock Conspiracy

I'm walking down the street and a tall, lanky man strides into my view. As he approaches, I notice an oddly familiar pep in his step. The toothy grin on his face is infectious and I think to myself, "That is one happy man." He turns and winks at me. Suddenly, I understand. "You're wearing new socks," I say, as a matter of fact. "Mmm, hmmm..." he sings back at me, and he whistles on his merry way.

Ahhhh... There are few things more pleasurable than slipping on a warm pair of brand new socks. Something about the smooth way they hug your feet is darn near unbeatable. It's a proven fact that if you wear new socks, you will have a good day. Actually, I do believe Barack Obama was wearing new socks last Tuesday.

Here is a picture of Obama on Monday, where he was wearing old socks, but the mere thought of the new socks he would wear the next day brought a slight smile to his face.

And then here he is on Tuesday, with his brand new socks on.

But, alas. Like all of the most wonderful things in this world, that new sock feeling is a fleeting one. After that first day, your new socks begin to lose their luster. Suddenly, they don't hug as tight or look so bright. Your feet feel neglected and your heart is as empty as an old-worn-out sock.

You know what is incredible? We have gotten to the point where we can control things with our mind. It's true. We can wire our brains to computers and use technology to move things around.

But what good is technology if we can't make socks that stay glorious for more than one day? Honestly, why hasn't this happened? It seems simple compared with hooking computers to our brains. We should have easily figured it out by now.

I'll tell you why it doesn't exist. Here's a little clue:

That's right, it's a damn Sock Conspiracy!! Nobody ever thinks about it, because it's just a sock. But it could be so much more. The sock making companies know this. They also know that if they developed this technology, nobody would buy new socks anymore. That's why Willy Wonka isn't real. The fat cats who make candy would never really want an "everlasting" gobstopper.

If that doesn't get your blood boiling, think about this. Have you ever wondered why socks are shaped the way they are? You probably thought it was because your foot kind of looks like that. Well, you're wrong. Sock companies make socks a certain way, so that you'll be inclined to put it on your foot at the exact same place every time. Why is this? Obviously, everybody knows that the heel of the sock gets the most abuse and wears out the quickest. So the sock companies developed ways to make sure the sock threads supporting your heel will have to bear the brunt of the abuse every...single...time.

The shape of the sock isn't the only way they do this. They put patterns on the sock where the top of your foot is supposed to be, but leave the bottom blank. Dress socks are the best at this tactic.

If you don't believe me, try this. The next time you go to put on some socks, try purposely "putting them on wrong." I'll bet your feet won't know the difference. I swear, I'm wearing mine wrong right now, and my feet feel fine. My socks last about four times longer than they normally would.

So now you're thinking, "why would I want to keep wearing my old socks when the best thing about a sock is getting a new one?" Well, now you're just one step away from truly opening your mind.

Since sock companies don't want to develop the technology to make "everlasting new" socks, and have even gone so far as to force us to wear down the socks we have, the only way we can fight back is to wear our old socks as long as we possibly can. That will force competing sock companies to come up with the longest lasting, most comfortable sock known to man. Don't fall into their trap. Try using all of your sock, instead of just what the sock companies want you to use. It's the only way we'll get what we truly deserve in a sock.

Open your mind. Fight the Conspiracy.


Clara said...

That brain video thing is amazing!!! It seems so unreal. It's kind of scary...what's to come.

Brian said...

One of my biggest pet peeves is when my sock isn't adjusted quite right on my foot, like if it's turned slightly or the stitching isn't lined up correctly with the ends of my toes. And don't even try to adjust it by simply rubbing your foot on the ground. You have to remove the sock entirely and re-apply it. It's the same as when you your contact is in wrong - you can't adjust it just my moving your eye around, you have to completely remove the contact and put it back in.

Why am I saying this? Because I don't know how anyone could ever wear a sock the wrong way all day long and not even notice it. It's the worst thing I can possibly imagine.

But I will do my best to support your campaign because I believe in your motives. Even if it kills me.

Phil said...

I completely agree with Brian. Socks are made that way so your feet are more comfortable, but it is YOU we're talking about. I can remember Ang making fun of you and your brother for wearing old, raggedy socks that were so over-worn they would hang loose around your ankles; and they were supposed to be knee-highs. Now, you're writing about new socks. You changed, man. You really changed.

Jesse said...

He's right. Dammit why can't we make good socks? I saw we ship a crate of new socks to Bin Laden, and just declare terrorism over.

Arthur said...

Brian- I used to think the same thing, but it's easy to get used to and now I don't even notice if it's on wrong.

Part of it is just knowing that you're doing it wrong. It's like when you put your boxers on backwards and don't even notice until you try to go pee. But as soon as you notice, it feels unbearably uncomfortable. Everything feels all twisted and wrong. But you didn't think that until you realized it was backwards.

Phil- That just proves that I've been trying get things changed for years. Of course I wore raggedy socks. I'm not giving in to the system, man. Socks are not made that way to make your feet more comfortable. You're telling me they can't come up with a sock that you can wear any which way and make it still feel comfortable? No my friend, it's made that way so you'll buy new socks more often.

Jesse- I like the way you think. New socks could become like a dozen roses or a box of chocolates used to be.

Brian said...

I understand, but sometimes the hardest things to adjust are psychological. Sure, it doesn't actually pain my foot or cause any real discomfort if my sock is on wrong, it's all mental.

But I challenge you to sit and listen to fingernails on a chalkboard for more than 5 seconds. It doesn't really hurt you - it's psychological, right?

Maybe I'm confusing aural discomfort with psychological discomfort. How does the brain work again?

Arthur said...

Okay, even if you can't get past wearing a sock wrong, that still doesn't change the fact that there has to be a better way to build a sock. I don't see why it can't be developed in such a way where it will feel comfortable, no matter how you wear it. Even on tight-fitting long sleeve shirts, they don't make elbow grooves. Seems like just a well made tube would fit my foot just fine. And there has to be some material that will keep its snugness over time.

Chris said...

Oh Art, it runs so much more deeper than you even know.

See, you don't even NEED socks. The sock companies pay the shoe companies to make the insides of shoes uncomfortable so that you need the sock as a buffer. Think about it, when was the last time you NEEDED to wear socks with your slippers? Never. You step out of bed and put the bad boys on. No one would wear slippers if they were required to have socks on to do so.

So really, the answer is to not wear socks at all. Then, if you needed a pick-me-up, you would open a fresh back of socks and put them on just for the joy of it. It would be optional, like smoking. Plus, think how much money we would all save if we didn't have to buy socks? Probably, like, $20 a year!

On another note, I absolutely can NOT wear socks that the seam at the toe goes across the ends of your toe tips. It has to go above my toes, or I'm just unbearably comfortable. When first married, I'd throw whole packs of incorrect socks away that my wife bought before she learned what kind I liked...

Arthur said...

Gah!! Chris... You just blew my mind.

Caleb said...

I agree with Chris wholeheartedly on the "seam at the end of the toe" bit. I have to have it above the toe or I'm done. Now, if you think about it, you can either buy socks at Wal-Mart and pay $20 a year (or probably more if worn correctly) and only get to experience once (per pair) the joy of putting on new socks. Let me give you a little secret that I'm sure will come back to haunt me. Buy your next pair of white socks at Nordstrom. I bought some when I worked there strictly because they were 20% off and I got an additional 20. They still cost about $10 bucks, meaning only 3 pair of socks could cost as much as a year's supply at Wal-Mart. HOWEVER, not only do these three pair last longer than any I've ever had, they still, to this day, three years later, are still my favorite pair of socks. And do you want to know why? Because if I pull them out of the dryer, freshly laundered, they still have the fresh, hugging flavor that only a new sock can bring. However, they aren't new. I've worn them for three years. And I'll never go back. Ok, I'm going to Nordstrom.

Ange said...

Oh My..... don't get me started on socks- especially yours or anyone with the last name of Clemens (except me and Clara)!! Should I look for a long belt post in the future?

Anonymous said...

Great blog.

You are all missing the biggest sock conspiracy here though... It's also related to the underpants conspiracy.

Underpants nice and comfy? Socks nice and comfy? Except the elastic?

Yes, socks and underpants are made too tight, tight socks will cause circulation problems and tight underpant elastic will cause much stomach upset. Over the years these issues WILL affect you and may even cause your death at the very worst.

I'm not joking here guys, spread the word, we will NOT tolerate 34" waist underpants that would still be too tight on a 28" waist. If your socks and/or underwear leave an obvious deep mark on your skin, they are too tight.

Don't die from ignorance but don't spread the word too loud, or you might be visited by the Chinese underpants mafia.


Am I paranoid? Probably, but there's no reason not to be. Sorry for ruining a nice blog.