Friday, November 14, 2008
The Sock Conspiracy
I'm walking down the street and a tall, lanky man strides into my view. As he approaches, I notice an oddly familiar pep in his step. The toothy grin on his face is infectious and I think to myself, "That is one happy man." He turns and winks at me. Suddenly, I understand. "You're wearing new socks," I say, as a matter of fact. "Mmm, hmmm..." he sings back at me, and he whistles on his merry way.
Ahhhh... There are few things more pleasurable than slipping on a warm pair of brand new socks. Something about the smooth way they hug your feet is darn near unbeatable. It's a proven fact that if you wear new socks, you will have a good day. Actually, I do believe Barack Obama was wearing new socks last Tuesday.
Here is a picture of Obama on Monday, where he was wearing old socks, but the mere thought of the new socks he would wear the next day brought a slight smile to his face.
And then here he is on Tuesday, with his brand new socks on.
But, alas. Like all of the most wonderful things in this world, that new sock feeling is a fleeting one. After that first day, your new socks begin to lose their luster. Suddenly, they don't hug as tight or look so bright. Your feet feel neglected and your heart is as empty as an old-worn-out sock.
You know what is incredible? We have gotten to the point where we can control things with our mind. It's true. We can wire our brains to computers and use technology to move things around.
But what good is technology if we can't make socks that stay glorious for more than one day? Honestly, why hasn't this happened? It seems simple compared with hooking computers to our brains. We should have easily figured it out by now.
I'll tell you why it doesn't exist. Here's a little clue:
That's right, it's a damn Sock Conspiracy!! Nobody ever thinks about it, because it's just a sock. But it could be so much more. The sock making companies know this. They also know that if they developed this technology, nobody would buy new socks anymore. That's why Willy Wonka isn't real. The fat cats who make candy would never really want an "everlasting" gobstopper.
If that doesn't get your blood boiling, think about this. Have you ever wondered why socks are shaped the way they are? You probably thought it was because your foot kind of looks like that. Well, you're wrong. Sock companies make socks a certain way, so that you'll be inclined to put it on your foot at the exact same place every time. Why is this? Obviously, everybody knows that the heel of the sock gets the most abuse and wears out the quickest. So the sock companies developed ways to make sure the sock threads supporting your heel will have to bear the brunt of the abuse every...single...time.
The shape of the sock isn't the only way they do this. They put patterns on the sock where the top of your foot is supposed to be, but leave the bottom blank. Dress socks are the best at this tactic.
If you don't believe me, try this. The next time you go to put on some socks, try purposely "putting them on wrong." I'll bet your feet won't know the difference. I swear, I'm wearing mine wrong right now, and my feet feel fine. My socks last about four times longer than they normally would.
So now you're thinking, "why would I want to keep wearing my old socks when the best thing about a sock is getting a new one?" Well, now you're just one step away from truly opening your mind.
Since sock companies don't want to develop the technology to make "everlasting new" socks, and have even gone so far as to force us to wear down the socks we have, the only way we can fight back is to wear our old socks as long as we possibly can. That will force competing sock companies to come up with the longest lasting, most comfortable sock known to man. Don't fall into their trap. Try using all of your sock, instead of just what the sock companies want you to use. It's the only way we'll get what we truly deserve in a sock.
Open your mind. Fight the Conspiracy.