This weekend the wife and I camped out at McCormick’s Creek for my birthday. It was perfect weather and we had a great time. I’ve decided to just make a list of some of the things I learned while camping this weekend. So here is my “Top 33 Things I Learned While Camping This Weekend” list:
1) Never forget to bring your digital camera when camping.
2) Beef Jerkey is the best snack to have on any road trip.
3) Beef Jerkey is not the best thing to eat when you are trying to refrain from dumping for an entire weekend.
4) If possible, never take a dump in a latrine.
5) When choosing your campsite, try to pick the one that is farthest from the latrine. Your wife may be upset that she has to walk a ways to get to the restroom, but that’s her fault for not just peeing in the woods like a man.
6) If you bring a large air mattress, also bring a pump. Unless you want to see your wife pass out when trying to blow it up.
7) If you bring an air mattress that is larger than the entrance to your tent, be sure to inflate the mattress after you put it in the tent.
8) Leaves make smoke, not fire.
9) Few things are more satisfying than starting a fire.
10) Use dry wood when starting a fire.
11) When I’m trying to start my fire, don’t come over to me with dry wood and a starter block and tell me how I remind you of your kids. You remind me of my dad, so stop trying to do it for me and let me figure it out. Especially after I’ve already been struggling and now have it going.
12) If you come over to me and give me dry wood and a starter block and tell me I remind you of your kids, you’d better be the same guy who let me borrow your electric air pump to inflate my oversized air mattress. Otherwise, I might be annoyed.
13) My wife is scared of raccoons.
14) Jalepeño chips, brats and beer are not helpful when trying to refrain from dumping for a weekend.
15) One of the few things more satisfying than starting a fire is sitting by your fire while watching some other guy struggle with his fire.
16) The only thing more satisfying than that is when the same guy pours tons of lighter fluid on his fire, it still doesn’t start, and he cusses under his breath while his wife tries to keep quiet.
17) Contrary to common sense, basic reason and historical evidence, my wife is convinced that raccoons frequently jump from treetops and attack campers with their razor sharp claws and menacing teeth. The only warning a camper is given is the horrific hissing noise that a raccoon makes right before it strikes.
18) Few things are more annoying than bright lanterns, loud children, people walking by to use the latrines, interstate noise and a train. Especially when you’re trying to enjoy a quiet, peaceful and dark evening while camping with your wife.
19) Air mattresses lose a lot of air throughout the course of a night.
20) Morning breath is at least four times worse when camping.
21) Horseback riding is more fun when you’re eight years old than when you’re twenty-seven.
22) “Hung like a horse” is not a phrase to be taken lightly.
23) Few things are funnier than kids asking their parents what that enormous schlong underneath the horse is.
24) Saddle sore doesn’t quite describe the beating that my crotch takes when horseback riding.
25) A horse pooping is pretty funny too.
26) Spelunking is more fun when you’re eight years old than when you’re twenty-seven.
27) Never go through a cave with your wife carrying only one flashlight.
28) If you ever go through a cave with your wife and only have one flashlight, be sure you are the one holding the flashlight.
29) There are lots of things to hit your head on when you’re going through a cave.
30) Hitting your head on rocks hurts more when you’re twenty-seven than it does when you’re eight.
31) Being dirty is relative.
32) Few things are better than a cool shower and a long dump at home after camping for a weekend.
33) Being twenty-seven isn't that much different than being twenty-six. But it's a lot different from being eight.