Christmas Dilemma

Here's a classic Christmas dilemma, and I've always wondered what the proper way to handle this situation is:

You bought someone a gift, and they didn't get one for you. Very simple. Very common. I almost feel worse when I'm the one who got someone a gift, when they didn't get me anything. It's like I know they feel bad, but I don't care about not getting a gift. It's not like we only give presents because we expect one in return. But I definitely feel guilty whenever someone gets me something, and I haven't gotten them anything. An awkward situation for sure.

So what do you do? Do you go out and get something for them after Christmas to make up for it? (SOMEbody I know has already done this) What do you say to the person if you didn't get them anything? What do you say if you did get them something and they feel bad for not getting you anything? Is there any way to alleviate the embarrassment on either side? Does it have to feel awkward? Is it just me? What did you do? (cause I know I'm not the only one to have witnessed this)

Christmas

Christmas was great again this year. I guess I can't think of a Christmas that wasn't great. I spent the whole day with the girlfriend, traveling from house to house. It was a bittersweet Christmas for us, because she leaves in three days. That sucks. But it was a lot of fun.

First we opened presents together, and she got me a Game Boy Advance complete with Ms. Pacman, which is the only video game I'll ever need.

It was fun to get a gaming device, because it's been so long since I've had a new one. I got her some artwork that she wanted from a shop in Nashville. They were both remakes of VanGogh paintings (I think). One was Caffe (I think, and if you know for sure, please let me know):

The other was Sunflowers (I think). Although the one I bought was more colorful than this one. It has like a blue background or something. It looks nice, and she's happy.


After a little breakfast at her house, we went out to Granny's for brunch. Granny lives in an assisted living home, and it's always pretty fun to visit. I can't wait to be an old man (well, yes I can). But old men are funny and get to do what they want. This one old guy shuffled up to us while we were eating to show off his new Christmas present. It was a mechanical Christmas Bulb that sang "Rockin Around the Christmas Tree." He had it ducktaped to the handlebar of his stroller, and played the song in its entirety for us. Yes, it is one of the most annoying songs ever, especially when sung by a mechanical toy. Only an old man and his stroller could get away with that one. And he played it for every table, even though you could hear it all the way across the room.

So after a nice brunch with Granny, we went back to her house for lunch with the family. We ate and opened presents while the Pacers got spanked by the Pistons in the background. Annika's first Christmas was a treat. We played a game of Scategories, and I definitely got screwed. The letter was "T", and the category was "things that grow." I had the ingenious idea of putting down "tree trunk," for a double score, only to be informed that tree trunks don't grow. Well, that was news to me. Jon was the only one who defended me. That's like saying necks don't grow, or fingers. I couldn't believe it. Ah well, such is the pain of the game.

After games and presents we went back over to my house for dinner and more presents. Dinner was unbelievable, and after fasting from meat for a few months, I made up for it all in one day. Mom had surprised us by stashing a few pints of Rhonda's Frozen Custard at the church, to bring out for dessert on Christmas Day. So we ate Rhonda's and watched The Santa Clause after opening gifts. It was a great day.

The only bad thing was not having my brother there. This was the first Christmas we've had without him. He's in California and couldn't make the trip. Oh well. I guess it had to happen some day.

I hope everyone had as great a Christmas as I did.

Oh, and the weirdest Christmas song of the season: "I Want a Hippopotamus for Christmas." Do you know which song I'm talking about? Where the heck did it come from? The first time I heard it, my head kept turning the way a dog's does when it's trying to understand you.

Snowfall and Candles

We had our first real snowfall this morning.

It made everything quiet and peaceful, and I was reminded of how much I really like having everything covered in white.

Until I got on the road. Then the snow turned to a black mush, and vehicles into weapons of mass destruction. I saw some guy spin out and run into the median on Morris St., like two seconds from my house. Happy Holidays. Then the interstate was a mess. Oh well.

I wish I lived somewhere quiet during this time of year. A place where snow stayed snowy and white instead of mushy and black. And where you didn't have to drive in it. That would be great.

On a different note, I was doing a review of the blog Watermark, when I saw that there is a site that has candles for people to light. At first I was like, "Oh boy, now we have e-religion where you can worship online." I'm sure it's not that far off, but I don't think that's what this site is about. It stays pretty general as far as religious persuasion, and asks people to express their "gratefulness."

I guess there's nothing wrong with that. I mean, candles in themselves are used as reminders, and the only reason we use them is because that's what people had back in the day. So why not use modern technology as a reminder for us to pray, or to remember a loved one? Right? I'm still not sure. It's interesting to see which languages have more people lighting candles. Check it out here.

"Helly Belly?"

I forgot to mention something else we did this weekend. We were hanging out at the bachelor pad, and I think Caleb had these new Jelly Bellies. I guess they're called, "Harry Potter's Bertie Bott's Every Flavor Bean."


Now when they say they have every flavor bean, they aren't kidding. There are the traditional flavors like; cherry, blueberry, green apple, lemon drop, watermelon and buttered popcorn. Buttered popcorn flavored used to be my least favorite. It's disgusting. But as crazy as it sounds, this new release has flavors like; black pepper, spinach, grass (no not that kind), dirt, ear wax, sardine, booger, and vomit. If you don't believe me, check it out here.


I only got to try the dirt and the spinach. I've had real dirt before, you know, "God made dirt, so dirt don't hurt." This stuff comes pretty close. The worst that I tried was a spaghetti flavor. Yuck. But I never got to try sardine, booger, ear wax, or vomit. They also had a soap flavor that was kind of refreshing, like getting your mouth washed out with soap. I'm amazed that they can market and sell these things. It definitely works though, cause I want to get a box of my own and try out all the flavors.

Colts, Christmas Shopping, and Confusion

It was a good weekend. Friday was the last guys night of the year. We had Stroh's and checked out the new book for next year, then played some poker into the wee hours of the morn. Adam K. was in town, so that was fun.

Saturday I did some Christmas shopping, which I hate. I can't stand all the people. It was pretty funny though; two different times I had someone start talking to me thinking I was someone else. First, I was on the escalator and a wife got separated from her husband, but didn't know it. She started talking to me with her body half turned, then asked a question right to my face. She felt embarrassed and turned back around laughing. I wasn't sure how to act in that situation. There's nothing you can do to make it less awkward. I tried coughing out loud before she turned, so she would know I wasn't her husband. It didn't work.

Then the other time was in line at Sam Goody's. Some lady started talking to me with her back turned, thinking I was her son. This time I was just laughing, because I couldn't believe it was happening again. So by the time she turned around, I was already laughing in her face. Oh well. I'm becoming a pro at this. I've decided it's best just to laugh out loud at them. Because it is funny, and you shouldn't be ashamed to laugh at funny things, and then they can laugh too. Hopefully I don't laugh at the wrong guy some day.

And it's odd that it was two women who did it. This is because women are so focused on shopping, they can't handle anything else. You won't find a guy talking to the wrong person in a mall. In a strip club maybe, but not a mall. When I go shopping with my girlfriend, she talks to me all the time while looking at everything around her. I could seriously just put a mannequin in my place and she'd keep talking.

I guess I do the same thing for Colts and Pacer games though.

The Colts game was a lot of fun too. We all met up at the bachelor pad to watch the game. Ange was in town for the holidays, so it was good to see her too. Peyton didn't break the record, but they played an awesome game.

Anyways, that was the weekend.

Clowns are SCARIER!!!

I recently did a post about how old ladies can be scary. I have decided to go back and write a post about each of the three things that scare me most:
1) Dolls
2) Clowns
3) Pictures of dolls and clowns
4) Old ladies
5) Scariest things on the internet

Today I will talk about my fear of clowns. Apparently this fear has been given the name, "Coulrophobia." I found that out thanks to The Indexed Phobia List. Now, coulrophobia is a strong word, and I don't know if it really applies to me. I just think clowns are really scary. To find out if you actually have coulrophobia, click here.

After thinking for a while about why clowns scares me, I have came up with a few answers. First of all, I know that clowns are just people, like you and me. Except scarier. And I don't think all clowns scare me. I mean, I don't get scared of clowns in a circus, and Ronald McDonald doesn't really scare me. As long as he's peddling burgers and not taking money from a toll booth late at night.

I think what scares me, is clowns who are in places where they're not supposed to be. For instance, if I were walking down the street and a clown just popped out of the bushes with a balloon animal, that would scare me way more than some thug approaching me with a gun. Or if I could choose between having an angry Mike Tyson backing me into a corner; or this clown backing me in a corner,

I'd take Iron Mike on every time. Or if I were to wake up in the middle of the night to find three escaped mental patients leering over me while wielding butcher knives, that wouldn't scare me half as much as waking up to see these three.


Unless the mental patients were dressed up in clown suits.

And clowns that try to be scary, or are dressed up to be scary don't scare me as much as the real thing. For instance, this isn't that scary to me:


But this scares the crap out of me:


The only thing possibly scarier than clowns, would have to be dolls. I'll have to save them for another day. If I can bring myself to even talk about them.


...And finally, proof that I am not crazy:


Scariest things on the internet

Idiot

Watch this idiot try to rob a convenience store. What a moron.

Feline Fanatics

In my wanderings through the incredibly inexhaustible world wide web, I came across something that was truly ridiculous. It's called The Infinite Cat Project. It is a site where they take a picture of a cat, then place that on the computer and take a picture of a cat watching that cat, and so on. It isn't exactly infinite, but for all intents and purposes, the title is fitting.

I didn't spend a whole lot of time on the site, so my information may be incorrect. As I understand it, someone took a picture of a cat looking at a flower, then someone else took a picture of their cat looking at that one. Well, Mike Stanfill decided to compound this picture into infinity. The best thing about it is that you can get your own cat in on the fun. As long as it is a picture of your cat looking at the most recent pic. So your very own cat could have it's place in the Infinite Cat Project.

There are stranger things out there, I'm sure. But this one was worth noting. The Infinite Cat project STARTS HERE, and ENDS HERE. Here is a shot of one of my favorites, although I didn't get very far along: (#23; Wookie)

I love Ping Pong

Table Tennis (or Ping Pong to the layperson) is definitely one of my favorite sports to play. We have a table here at work, and I recently found a guy willing to hit around with me a bit. Another great way for me to spend my time at work.

I wish ping pong were more popular. It's a ton of fun to watch, and if I remember, I'll put this crazy clip of a Chinese guy doing cartwheels while he plays. There should be more ping pong on TV. It's definitely more exciting to watch than say, bowling. I'm not asking for the same kind of coverage that MLB, NBA, and NFL games get. But it should be up there with tennis, bowling, pool, poker, and Suzanne Summers' age-defying cream.

Oh well, I'll still love it. Here's a video from that eBaum's World that's a mix between the Matrix and ping pong.
Matrix Ping Pong

Bloggers Beware!

I'm not sure how this happened, but I have now become an official "blog reviewer." I have volunteered to review blogs for the site, "The Weblog Review." This is a legitimate site that does blog reviews. Yes, it is legitimate. And I am one of the reviewers. Oh man, this could get ugly. So now my opinion about other people's blogs officially matters. That's cool. I am seriously pretty stoked about it. (Did I just say "stoked"?... Fudge, I did.)
Anyways, if you want your blog reviewed by people like me, check out the site. But always remember that it's just someone else's opinion, and you should always be blogging for yourself.

The Weblog Review (TWR)

You can view my reviews here.

eBaum's World

One of the most entertaining sites on the internet has to be eBaum's World. You can seriously waste hours watching funny videos, amazing videos, playing games, magic tricks, they have everything that you could possibly want to waste your time doing. You should definitely check it out. Here are a few of my favorites from the site:

Sand Sicaf--This video is an amazing piece of art. It's like 8 minutes long, but worth every minute. Play it with sound too. This is probably my favorite overall.

Cup Girl--If you've never seen people that can stack cups, check this out. It really is amazing.

Aicha--This one's a favorite for me and the fellas. This guy makes a complete tool of himself singing about a girl. Unreal.

Hand Sex--This one is just wrong, but it's very impressive. Someone is extremely talented, and must have been extremely bored.

Super Mario 3--A must see for old Mario fans. This guy beats Mario 3 in 11 minutes.

Robot Dance--This guy does an incredible robot. It's sweet, check it out.

Mario Piano--More for Mario fans, and music lovers. This guy is amazing on the piano. And yes, that is a blindfold.

Games--Big waste of time here.

Trippy and Scary--Don't play with this one if you use drugs. A crazy illusion.

Okay, so I've gone nuts with the links, but there really is a lot of neat stuff on this site. So don't forget to check out Ebaum's World.

Old Ladies are SCARY!!!

I don't care who you are, old ladies can be very scary. My list of scariest things: 1)Dolls
2)Clowns
3)Pictures of dolls or clowns
4)Old ladies.
5) Scariest things on the internet

This post will be about number four on that list. And why is it that old women are definitely scarier than old men? Unless it's a dirty old man, but I still think the old lady wins out.

I'm going to tell a story about an old woman that we all know. She's the one who every kid on the block is afraid of. She is allergic to sunlight and fresh air. Most of her time is spent peeking through shutters and curtains. She has an annoying little dog that yips at everything that moves. She looks like the old witch from "Big Fish."


Her name was Corty.

If you had the pleasure of living on Hiatt Street, in Indianapolis, anytime from the 1800's to the present, then I'm sure you know who Corty is. She lived in one half of a double, with her little dog. The other half was occupied by her clinically insane sister, Leela. Leela was more funny for us than scary. She was often seen running her hands through her hair while saying her ABC's. I guess that is kind of scary. But it was Corty who instilled the fear of God in us.

We used to always play football in the middle of the street, and it seemed like every game came to an abrupt end when the ball would go rolling into Corty's yard. We knew she was watching us the whole time, just waiting for us to screw up. Since Ryan was always the quarterback who screwed up, it was usually Ryan who went to get it.

As we gathered on the opposite side of the street, cowering with fear and laughing at Ryan's demise, we began to see Corty's beedy eyes peeping in and out from between the shutters. As soon as Ryan crept onto the lawn, the door flew open and Corty came out screaming, "Get off of my lawn!! I'm gonna sick my dog on you!!"
Enter her annoying dog. Now this dog was one that should sound familiar as well. It would bark like crazy, and come charging at you, but as soon as you stepped on the sidewalk, it would stop and bark at you from the property. We knew that this dog would never cross that threshold, and that Ryan was safe as long as he stayed on the sidewalk.

Eventually, we would all leave and sneak back later for a quick retrieval of the ball. As we grew older, the fear was still there, but it soon became fun for us to scare each other. So we would play games that required a dare, and the dare would always be to go knock on Corty's door and then run like hell.

Since Ryan always seemed to lose these games, it was usually Ryan who had to knock and run. We called it "nigger knocking," which is an extremely racist comment, but at the time we were kids who didn't know any better, and that's just what it was called.

Corty's defensive tactics had increased with time, and she soon resorted to threats of calling the cops. After about two or three "nigger knocks," she would go to the back of the house, and all of a sudden we would hear sirens. All of us would scramble in every direction, running for our lives. Soon we noticed that the sirens never got any closer. Apparantely, Corty had some device that made siren noises. Well, that just made us want to do it even more.

That poor old woman put up with us for about five years, until we were too old to be scared, and started worrying more about younger women. That's a shame.

Cheers to all of the scary old women who make little boys young lives a little more adventurous; and thank you Corty, wherever you are, for the wonderful childhood memories.

Scariest things on the internet

One Bright Day

"One bright day, in the middle of the night,
Two dead boys got up to fight.
Back to back, they faced each other,
Drew their swords and shot each other.
A deaf policeman heard the noise,
Came and shot those two dead boys.
If you don't believe this silly lie is true,
Go ask the blind man, he saw it too."
-Author Unknown

Can anyone tell me where this came from? It seems like everyone's heard it, but nobody knows where it's from. Has anyone not heard this before? I think I learned it in like second grade.

"It's Yo Balls!"

This story comes from my first day as a substitute teacher. Yes, it was hell. I wish I had been blogging during my time as a sub, because there were some hilarious things that happened, and now I can't remember them all. There's no way I could forget this one though.

It was my first gig as a sub for the Indianapolis Public School System. Now IPS students aren't exactly known for their academic achievement and personal hygiene. I was a product of the system, so I thought I had an idea of what to expect.

I arrived at the school pretty early, just to prepare for the day. I was teaching a group of 4th Graders. Mistake. The teacher didn't leave a very good lesson plan, and I knew I would have to BS my way through the day. As the students arrived, I noticed that things hadn't changed much since I was in IPS: I was still the only white boy. Actually, I think there was a white girl too.

Anyways, that's not the point of this story. In the afternoon, I was fortunate enough to have the privilege of hosting all of the fourth grade boys as they received some much needed sexual education. The old maid who was sent to teach these young men about sex looked like the same woman who told me about "pubic regions," and "growth spurts." I really wish they would get a black man, or at least a man, to talk to the kids, but that's another story too.

So Mother Time begins her education with a video that has a theme song: "Just Around the Corner." As in, having hair on your weiner is "just around the corner." It looked like the video was made by college students who wanted to make a mockery of every sex ed tape ever made. The "Just Around the Corner" song sounded like something they would write on Saturday Night Live. It was a joke. I was trying not to laugh just as much as the kids. In one scene they had an animation of a naked boy going through puberty. The hair under his arms and around his genitals grew out like a chia pet in a matter seconds. It was hilarious.

After the video, Miss Thusela started a question and answer session. She actually expected these boys to talk to her and answer questions about ejaculations, semen, sperm, etc. It was obvious that the boys knew what she was talking about, but of course they weren't going to say anything. The only one who did was the brainiac in the class. He had his hand up for every question. He actually knew that a wet dream was called a "nocturnal emission." I'm pretty sure he got his "gluteus maximus" kicked at recess.

Okay, so after all of that, here's the best part: She starts drawing on the chalkboard.
"Okay, who can tell me what this is?" She draws the universal squiggly line with a round head.
Brainiac answers, "Sperm!!!"
"That's right. Now, who can tell me where sperm is stored?" Brainiac raises his hand again as she draws a perfect circle on the board.
"Someone besides brainiac, please?" The rest of the class was in tears from holding in their laughter, and no one was saying anything.
"Okay, I'll give you all a hint... It starts with a "T..."" Just as she finished writing the "T" on the chalkboard, one of the kids in the back row who could control himself no longer yelled out, "It's Yo Balls!!!"

All of the class looked back at me to see if he was going to be punished. Unfortunately, I'm too immature to be teaching fourth graders, and I was just about rolling on the floor with laughter. The whole class then erupted, and it was up to grandma to calm them down.

I knew from that point on that I would never make a good teacher.


--I actually found the video here--

You're Plugging Who's Site?

I recently received this email in my inbox: "Plug For Your Site: I linked to your site this morning. Interesting stuff. -Mike" I was excited to find that there was someone out there who liked my writing, or at least found it "interesting," and was willing to tell others about it. Alas, it was too good to be true.

When I checked out the link he provided, here is the page I came to. He was plugging a post of mine where I talk about naming my mother's miscarried sons.

Apparently my post takes the theme of Roe vs. Wade "one step further." Uh..nope. Not only that, but the post was about "naming her miscarried unborn children." "Her" being me. Uh, I'm a dude. If Mike would've taken the time to read all the way through the second sentence of that post, he might not have made this mistake.

Although I appreciate anyone willing to plug this site, I would appreciate it more if you plugged it because you enjoy reading what's here. Not as a way of getting more people to your site. I probably wouldn't have cared so much, except this particular post was the only serious one I've written in this whole blog. And it wasn't very "interesting" compared to the others. In the future, please take the time to read what's here. It is interesting.

If you would like to link to this blog, let me know and I'll return the favor. Here's Mike's Blog.

[Mike has profusely and completely apologized for the minor mix up. Sorry, I didn't see your corrections before publishing this post. Ah well. And you all really should check out his blog. I just took the time to view some other posts there, and it's worthwhile stuff.]

Crazy News

There are some crazy things happening in the world today. I don't feel like writing much, so here's some of the crazier things I read about in today's paper:

1)Grandpa's Ghost goes for $65,000 on Ebay.
???? Now that's crazy. I guess they sold Grandpa's walking stick, along with his "ghost." Reminds me of that Simpsons where Bart sells his soul. I wonder if I could sell my Grandpa's haunted dentures. What would you sell?

2)Sacred Sandwich goes on tour.

If you didn't already hear, a grilled cheese sandwich, apparently resembling the Virgin Mary, was bought on Ebay for $28,000. Well, now it's going on tour. See if it's coming to a town near you. Looks more like a cowering orphan to me.

3)Mexican Madonna saves woman?
Okay, I've heard of this happening before, but it's crazy: "A woman survived a crash that drove a 12-foot metal rod through her mouth and out the back of her head..." I just can't imagine.

"It's like wiping before you poop...It don't make no sense."

(Title quote from Larry the Cable Guy)

Once again I will tell a disturbing tale from a day in my life. Warning: The following topic may disgust some people.

I was with a few friends in college, and we got to talking (always a dangerous thing) about dumping. Well one of my friends, for whatever reason (I can't remember now), gave us a visual aid of how he wipes after he poops. He pretended to tear off a reasonable amount of toilet paper, then proceeded to stick his hand between his legs and wipe.

There was an awkward silence as a few of us tried to figure out what technique we had just witnessed. My friend started to go on with whatever story he was telling, and we were like, "Wait. Wait. Just wait a second now. How do you wipe?" He repeated his between-the-legs method, and I was shocked.

I had always assumed that all men wiped the same way: leaning to the side, and wiping from South to North. I tend to lean to the left, and wipe with the right hand. I'm not sure if that's universal, or if lefties do it differently. I had no idea that there were multiple methods.

Well, needless to say, we all started making fun of him right away. He tried to defend his method, but it just doesn't hold water. The main flaw in this method, for me, is that guys are blessed with "under clunder." It seems that "under clunder" would interfere with a clean wipe, and could get things messy. Also, I would think the hand may graze up against the rim of the bowl, which is to be avoided at all costs.

Anyways, so the whole event got me wondering if there are more methods. Another roommate of mine later said that he likes to wet some toilet paper to finish the job more thoroughly. At the risk of losing whatever integrity this blog may have had, I'm going to ask if anyone knows any other methods. What is your preferred method? Be creative, and have fun!

-Check out how this chick uses her toilet paper-

Say it Ain't So!

Well, what most of us already knew to be true is finally being released as fact: Major League Baseball, sponsored by BALCO, finally has to address the use of steroids by it's very own sluggers. But major league baseball is to blame. No drug policy until last year? Come on. The whole thing is pathetic, and it sucks that records are being broken by these juicers. Jack McDowell thinks these players should be banned, comparing what they've done to what Pete Rose did. I tend to agree with him. Anyways, I'm through talking about it. Here are some links if you want to learn more.

A Dark Time
Bonds Didn't Know?
Tainted Career
Fool's Gold: Marion Jones

Damn the Snooze Bar!

Okay, who invented the dang snooze bar on an alarm? Seriously. That has to be the worst invention. For the third day in a row now, I've snooze barred my way into a hectic morning where I am rushing to be on time for work. I know it's my own dang fault, but I shouldn't even have that option.

So, who's the idiot who decided it was a good idea to add a snooze bar? Alarm clocks are one of the only things we buy that forces us to do something we don't really want to do. The whole purpose of an alarm clock is to wake you up! Why have an option that negates that purpose? It's bad enough that I set the clock 30 minutes early, in order to "trick" myself into being on time (come on, I know you do it too), only to wake up and say, "Oh, I've got thirty more minutes, cause I set the clock wrong."

The problem with the snooze bar is that it asks you whether or not you want five more minutes of sleep, while you're still sleeping. That's like asking an alcoholic if he wants one more drink, while he's in the middle of an all-night binge. Of course he'll say yes.

Honestly, who's going to say "no" to five more minutes, when you've just been torn from a nice slumber? If my dad were to have woken me up by saying, "Son, it's time to get up. But if you want five more minutes, just smack me upside the head and I'll come back later and repeat the process." He would've needed a medic every morning.

Does the clock think I accidentally set the wrong time on the alarm? I mean, I spent ten minutes trying to figure out how to set it right, of course that's when I want to wake up. But it takes two seconds to slap that button and just keep dreaming. They should make snooze bars just as difficult to set. By the time you figured out what you were doing, you'd be conscious and awake.

Isn't it true though, that those five minutes are worth more than a whole night's sleep combined? It's like the entire night is a warm-up for the real sleep that comes after you hit the snooze bar.

Anyways, if anyone finds out who invented it, let me know. And out of curiosity, how many other people set their clocks fast on purpose?