Wednesday, December 08, 2004

"It's Yo Balls!"

This story comes from my first day as a substitute teacher. Yes, it was hell. I wish I had been blogging during my time as a sub, because there were some hilarious things that happened, and now I can't remember them all. There's no way I could forget this one though.

It was my first gig as a sub for the Indianapolis Public School System. Now IPS students aren't exactly known for their academic achievement and personal hygiene. I was a product of the system, so I thought I had an idea of what to expect.

I arrived at the school pretty early, just to prepare for the day. I was teaching a group of 4th Graders. Mistake. The teacher didn't leave a very good lesson plan, and I knew I would have to BS my way through the day. As the students arrived, I noticed that things hadn't changed much since I was in IPS: I was still the only white boy. Actually, I think there was a white girl too.

Anyways, that's not the point of this story. In the afternoon, I was fortunate enough to have the privilege of hosting all of the fourth grade boys as they received some much needed sexual education. The old maid who was sent to teach these young men about sex looked like the same woman who told me about "pubic regions," and "growth spurts." I really wish they would get a black man, or at least a man, to talk to the kids, but that's another story too.

So Mother Time begins her education with a video that has a theme song: "Just Around the Corner." As in, having hair on your weiner is "just around the corner." It looked like the video was made by college students who wanted to make a mockery of every sex ed tape ever made. The "Just Around the Corner" song sounded like something they would write on Saturday Night Live. It was a joke. I was trying not to laugh just as much as the kids. In one scene they had an animation of a naked boy going through puberty. The hair under his arms and around his genitals grew out like a chia pet in a matter seconds. It was hilarious.

After the video, Miss Thusela started a question and answer session. She actually expected these boys to talk to her and answer questions about ejaculations, semen, sperm, etc. It was obvious that the boys knew what she was talking about, but of course they weren't going to say anything. The only one who did was the brainiac in the class. He had his hand up for every question. He actually knew that a wet dream was called a "nocturnal emission." I'm pretty sure he got his "gluteus maximus" kicked at recess.

Okay, so after all of that, here's the best part: She starts drawing on the chalkboard.
"Okay, who can tell me what this is?" She draws the universal squiggly line with a round head.
Brainiac answers, "Sperm!!!"
"That's right. Now, who can tell me where sperm is stored?" Brainiac raises his hand again as she draws a perfect circle on the board.
"Someone besides brainiac, please?" The rest of the class was in tears from holding in their laughter, and no one was saying anything.
"Okay, I'll give you all a hint... It starts with a "T..."" Just as she finished writing the "T" on the chalkboard, one of the kids in the back row who could control himself no longer yelled out, "It's Yo Balls!!!"

All of the class looked back at me to see if he was going to be punished. Unfortunately, I'm too immature to be teaching fourth graders, and I was just about rolling on the floor with laughter. The whole class then erupted, and it was up to grandma to calm them down.

I knew from that point on that I would never make a good teacher.

--I actually found the video here--


Anonymous said...

I need a pt job, and you're scaring me. I think I'll stick to the private schools. :)


Arthur said...

Probably a wise choice on your part. Although, I do think everyone should be forced to teach at some point in their life. Just so we actually appreciate what teachers go through.