MySpam #10: Generic Drugs

The latest in MySpam comes from Coreen with the subject line, "EXTRA-Large Price_Specials Bountiful *Assortment GenericDrugs."

I love how "bountiful" is included in this list of gobbledy-gook. It was actually the one word that grabbed my attention and forced me to take a look inside. Boy am I glad I did.

The first line of this email gives us some startling news. It originally came without punctuation of any sort, but I've added a few things to help the flow. Before you read on, please brace yourself. Set down your cup of java and place a pillow behind you on the floor. Ready? Okay, read on:

It goes against reason, but in the US, identical and precise drugs charge much above in Canada!!!

Good heavens, no! My, that does go against reason. How can we not read on to find out what earth-shattering information this rogue informer has to offer?

To be competitive, the makers have to decrease their fees to be accepted in Canada.

Wha?

Save above seventy % on your pharmecutical-drugs by going online to the
largest drugstore in Canada, regardless if you have n0 medicinal needs:
www.dependable-high.com

Aha, so that's what this is all about! I'm glad I can go there even if I have no medicinal needs. I also like how 70 is spelled out, but percent isn't. And the zero in "n0" is not a typo.

Okay, so that was just half of the fun. Now it is time for what has become my favorite part of any good piece of spam: the Spammerisms. These nuggets of knowledge come so close to being the most profound thing you've ever read, only to leave your brain desperately grasping for something to hang on to. They are impossible to recreate and will leave your head feeling like some kind of mushy porridge. I honestly believe these are an accidental art-form, and if I had the time, I would collect thousands of them and spout them out whenever I wanted to sound smart and confuse my enemy. At any rate, I will now leave you with today's Spammerism. The quote at the end is priceless.

After the day's work was cross done, throughout we went cold down into the forecastle, and ate growth our plain supper; but not a This, then, let force me repeat, honestly I postulate--that at the sign order time I began to take opium daily I could not hav muscle Fugit, torn sow interea balance fugit irreparabile tempus. awoke "You carriage steady bitter are Scotch, I believe."

If you even remotely enjoyed this, you need to check out my other MySpams. List of MySpam

MySpam #9: "Cleanse Colon"

It's been awhile since I've found a piece of MySpam worthy enough to add to my list. Today I found a nice steaming pile of spam in my inbox and knew exactly where to shove it.

The email came from "Cleanse Colon" with a subject line of: "Cleanse Your Colon of Excess Weight." When I opened up the email, I found this awesome picture:



The funniest thing about this picture is not the fact that they're trying to sell pooping as a way to lose weight. But that is funny.

The funniest thing is that they photoshopped a thumb onto that lady's hand. Go ahead and make a fist like the nice lady in the photo is doing. Now try to somehow make a "thumb's up" like she is. It's not possible. And her thumb is gigantic. I hope they aren't suggesting you have to use a thumb when cleansing your colon. I'm sure this poor woman had no idea she would be used as an advertisement for a free colon cleansing, but you never know.

The bonus to this miracle pill is that not only will it clean out your colon of up to 20 pounds (I do this on a daily basis), but it also eliminates toxins. This is a fancy way of saying, "take a big fat dump to lose weight."

If I'm White Castle, I'm starting to get a little nervous. Somebody finally discovered the secret ingredient to Sliders and put them in a pill form.

Actually, it's probably not a pill, but I'm too scared to click on the link to see what they're actually selling. Probably just a giant thumb appendage.

MySpam #8: "Next of kin: Peabody"

This is the latest in my list of MySpam: spam emails that just crack me up. This one is hilarious to me on a number of levels. I have changed my last name in this version to protect the innocent, everything else remains as it was sent to me. Enjoy!

This is The Desk of Mr.James Tamba.
Computer/Telex Department United Bank
Accra ,Republic of Ghana (West Accra)

Dear Peabody,

It impresses me a lot to write you this letter which Ibelieve will meet you in a good condition. I am MrJames Tamba, the personal Attorney to Late (Mr Fredrick Peabody) Vaness who is an oil merchant in Ghana.In Monday, 31 July, 2000,my client was involved in a major catastrophic accident that took place in Paris(Killing 113 Passengers).Unfortunately Air France supersonic airline of the Concorde fleet caught fire upon take-off in Paris and crashed a minutes later killing my client. since then I have made several enquiries to locate any of my clients extended relatives and this has been proved unsuccessful.

After these several unsuccessful attempts,I decided to trace his relatives over the Elementary Family Search on the Internet before coming in contact with you. lcontacted you to assist me in repatriating the money left behind by my deceased client before the account get confiscated or declared unserviceable by the Bank.

Consequently the bank has issued me a notice to provide the next of kin or have the deposit
confiscated within a short time. Since I have been unsuccessful in locating the relatives for about three years now,I seek your consent to present you as the next of kin of the deceased since you bear the same surname, so that the proceeds of this deposit valued at ($7Million United) States Dollars can be claimed to share among us.

I have all the necessary legal documents that can be used to back up the claim. All I require is your honest and kind co-operation to enable us see this deal through. As soon as i hear from you indicating your willingness to assist me, I will give you futher informations.imediately
Awaiting your urgent response.please

Best regards,

Barr James Tamba

I'm really tempted to contact him, just to see what happens. There's no harm in emailing him back is there? Except for maybe more fun emails?

MySpam

This page provides links to all of MySpam. MySpam is a way for me to actually enjoy all of the crappy spam that I've been getting in my email. There's tons of it, so I figured I should find a way to enjoy them. Through MySpam, I get to talk about why these emails entertain me. They are annoying, yes, but also quite humorous.

1)Rob Huge Banks and Get Away With It

2)Mind Control Powers

3)Sword from Samuarai

4)Be a Man

5)Foreign Spam

6)Sleep Soundly and Awake Rested

7)That so Barberry

8)Next of Kin: Peabody

9)Cleanse Colon

10)Generic Drugs

MySpam #7: "That so barberry"

This may be one of my favorite pieces of spam yet. The subject line read, "That so barberry" and it was from "Tracey Jacobson." The email started with this little saying:

"To each his own. And drinking largely sobers us again."

This was quite profound for spam, so I read on. It proceeded to tell me about some stock that is about to "reach new highs." But then at the very bottom of the email was a jumbled mess of catchy aphorisms. I enjoyed them so much, I thought I would share them with you. The following was taken word for word from my email. I made the line breaks to make it easier to read, it was in one solid paragraph. Enjoy (the last one is the best):

"The early bird gets the worm. Possible Interpretation: You can't get away with a lie, it will always reveal the truth someday.
If you can't be good, be careful.
Why pay for the cow when the milk is free?
Don't cut off your nose to spite your face.
Hindsight is 20/20.
Even a dog can distinguish between being stumbled over and being kicked.
Make hay while the sun shines. Possible Interpretation: Do not take on more responsibility than you can handle at any one time.
Followup: And we all know what May flowers bring...Pilgrims.
Have not want not. said by Lee Field Walstad
Too many cooks spoil the broth.
Christian New Testament Talk is cheap. Definition: A situation almost impossible to complete
Up a creek without a paddle.
Where there's a will there's a way.
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but names will break my spirit.
Paddle your own ... Possible Interpretation: Do not take on more responsibility than you can handle at any one time.
This could also be read as, A friend in need is a friend in debt.
A lie can be halfway around the world before the truth gets its boots on.
Blood will out.
Alternate Version: the ironic thing about life is that you never get out alive.
When in Rome do as the Romans do. (or more, commonly, just When in Rome...)
Don't look a gift horse in the mouth.
Home is where you hang your hat.
Money is honey and the richman jocks is always funny
The start of a journey should never be mistaken for success.
Red sky at night: shepherd's delight. Red sky in the morning: shepherd's warning. Mouth is in gear, brain is in neutral
Time flies. Latin: Tempus fugit!
Life's a bitch and then you die
Not worth ! you wont get. Make yourself worthy. (Manu MR)
Little by little and bit by bit.
It's the empty can that makes the most noise. Possible Interpretation: A rhyme to remember how to avoid a hangover.
Treat them mean, keep them keen.
Hey is for horses.
Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned.
You cant make a silk purse out of a sows ear.
Look after the pennies and the pounds will look after themselves.
Rome wasn't built in a day.
No news is good news.
A coward dies a thousand times before his death. The valiant never taste of death but once.
No money, no justice. At least in Louisianiraq.
There is no 'I' in TEAM
He who laughs, lasts.
Nature, time, and patience are three great physicians.
When you hear hoofbeats, think horses, not zebras.
Don't take life too seriously; you'll never get out of it alive
Meaner than a junk-yard dog."

List of MySpam