Fun With Lord of the Rings

At the risk of blaspheming one of the greatest movie trilogies of all time, I'm going to post a few videos.

We'll start with a short clip featuring the Horn of Gondor. This is a subtle video, which takes a certain sophisticated humor to really appreciate. Sorry if you don't get it. That just means you're too lowbrow to understand.

Horn of Gondor


Next up is an upbeat-techno song, which really displays the creative talent of this generation of youth. It's a great mix of music and video, creating a new media which any generation can appreciate.

They're Taking the Hobbits to Isengard


This next one is also very creative, offering up an alternative ending to The Lord of the Rings. It's funny that I never thought of this. It's also retarded in many ways, but I still like the video.

How Lord of the Rings Should Have Ended


This last one is probably my favorite of all. It's a voiceover of one of the more awkward scenes in Lord of the Rings. Gimli's entrance is spectacular.

LOTR Voiceover

Do It Like They Do On The Discovery Channel

Okay, this will be my last in immature animal humor. At least for a while. I think this video is funnier with the sound off, but that's up to you. This video is of a farmer being absolutely violated by a cow. The confusing thing is that they censored the cow's teets. Anyways, for some sick reason, I laughed at this. I hope to spread that joy.

Monkey Business

When I was searching for hippos pooping, I found a few other funny videos and thought I would share. The first video is of a monkey who casually eats his own poop. I think monkeys probably do most things casually, but it looks funny when it's with poop.

Then I found out that this wasn't the only monkey out there eating his poop. The next video is of a monkey who eats his poop, gets sick and pukes it up, then eats his poopy puke. Viewer discretion is advised.

Then those videos reminded me of one of my all time favorites. I remember seeing it before Youtube and all these other great video sharing sites existed. It's of a monkey who smells his own butt and then passes out. Watch his face. It's like for a split second he's amazed at the smell. Classic. "Oh no..."

Hippo Poop

I've been trying to find a good video of this for a long time. Since I'm lazy and don't have time to write much, I'm choosing today to share what I think is one of the funniest things ever: Hippos pooping. I'm not sure why, but this just cracks me up.

The Faggot Family Launches National Faggot Week

Yeah, you heard me. The Faggot Family.

The problem with trying to write something funny about this news story is that nothing can possibly make it funnier. The only thing that makes this even better is that the "Faggot Family" actually has the real last name of Doody. I'll just let you read the rest of the article. You can't possibly make it funnier. Here are a few questionable quotes from the BBC news story:

"It's unfair because faggots were a British delicacy long before any of the others."

The competition was organised by faggot producer Mr Brain's Faggots.

Faggots were called "savoury ducks" in the Middle Ages.

"The great British faggot is full of flavour and a great belly warmer at this time of year."

Original story:
Family of faggot fans fly the flag

(Thanks of course to Chuck for pointing me to this article)

Men Shake, Women Dab.

Okay, I recently heard something that just about blew my mind and I'm wondering if I'm just a moron or if this is really as ridiculous as I thought it was. This is an immature and inappropriate post, so don't get mad at me if you keep reading. You've been warned.

I have no idea how the conversation came up, but a friend at work was talking about how he had just gone to go "syphon the python," if you know what I mean. For some reason, somebody else had asked him a question about his method of "shaking the dew off his lilly," if you catch my drift. So it came about that he uses pieces of toilet paper to "dab his nab," so to speak.

Now, I know this is a common method for women, but for men? Come on! We're famous for shaking it "like a Polaroid picture," if you will. Seriously, is that not ridiculous, or am I missing out on some miraculous cure for the dribbles?

I couldn't help but be reminded of a similar conversation I've already had:

Wiped Out

Mr. Butt Rocket Shooter Guy

I realize my blog can be immature. Quite often. Today will be no exception. I make no apologies.

I've been wanting to post this for a long time now, but wasn't quite sure how to present it. We have footage of a good friend of mine shooting a bottle rocket out of his butt. It is, how do I put this...amazing. If anyone has video editing software, I would love to put this in slow motion. And get some still shots. The second video is a five-shooter. Until someone can find a better way to get pictures from this, I've included a screen shot at the end that really captures the moment.

It's also been brought to my attention that one of these videos has already been flagged as inappropriate by YouTube and is no longer available. So I put them on Photobucket. Please watch these now, because I have no idea how long they'll be here. I've also added another disastrous one at the end. Good stuff.

After viewing the videos you can read Life in the Shadows very own "Real Men of Genius" tribute to the Butt Rocket Shooter Guy. In case you don't know how to read those, the stuff (in parenthesis) has to be sung. Nobody ever comments on this blog, but I encourage all of you to come up with your own verses and we could have an ultimate song. Then maybe Brian can record it for us and I'll post that too. Anyways, enjoy!

Mr. Butt-Rocket Shooter Guy

Life in the Shadows Presents: Real Men of Genius
(Real Men of Genius)

Today, we salute you, Mr. Butt-Rocket Shooter Guy
(Mr. Butt-Rocket Shooter Guy)
Just when we think nothing could be funnier than a man’s hairy hind end,
You go and use your crack as a launching pad.
(3-2-1 Liftoff)
You put up with ridiculous amounts of pain and agony,
Just so your friends can have a few laughs.
(Ooh, I think I singed a butt hair!)
Is that a Moon Traveler? With report?
(Dingleberry)
Who cares? Cause it’s damn funny.
(Don’t clench your cheeks)
So, crack open an ice cold Stroh’s, you righteous ramrod,
because you put the in ass in disaster.

(Mr. Butt-Rocket Shooter Guy)

Proud of My Manhood

I’m proud to be a man. I think it’s fun to do manly things like drinking beer and playing shirtless man pong. It’s important for a man to know what makes him different from a woman and to embrace these differences.

I’m not saying men are better than women at everything (though some may argue that there is substantial evidence to make such a claim); I think it’s equally important for women to embrace womanhood and be proud of their sex. There are many things I enjoy doing that women just don’t understand. The opposite is also true. For example, I have no idea how women can enjoy watching the WNBA. Or why they seem naturally fit to cook, clean and bear children. It boggles the mind.

Conversely, there are many things that I and my fellow men enjoy doing that may seem quite odd to our female counterparts. Like mooning each other, boxing, and owning tools we have no intention of using. Many times in my life, when I question whether or not my actions and decisions are sane and necessary, I simply need to ask: “What would man do?” Look where it has led me today.

This leads me to the point. Before I was united in holy matrimony, I was forced to fend for myself. Like most men in this situation, I survived through copious amounts of Ramen noodles, oatmeal, and visits home to my mother. Clothes would go unwashed for a while, and I figured this was just because I was a man.

When I got married, I discovered the joy of baked goods, sparkling bathrooms, and clean underwear. Then something very odd started happening once every two weeks or so. The sheets in our bed were being changed. What? This is a practice I had never heard of before. I thought sheets were changed when you moved. To my credit, I would always make sure I showered right before bed, in order to keep my sheets as clean as possible. And every six months or so, if the smell got bad enough, I think I may have changed them. No, that’s not true. I never did this on a regular basis.

So then I wondered, is this normal for a man? What if other men actually change their sheets? Does that mean they are gay, or I’m a disgusting slob? My understanding of the universe has been shattered. I am a freak. Do other men still pick their noses? Revel in the stench of their own flatulence? Measure their fitness level by standing straight and looking down to make sure their gut doesn’t obscure the line of vision to their manhood feet? Good thing I've already miraculously found a wife.

"It's Yo Balls!"

This story comes from my first day as a substitute teacher. Yes, it was hell. I wish I had been blogging during my time as a sub, because there were some hilarious things that happened, and now I can't remember them all. There's no way I could forget this one though.

It was my first gig as a sub for the Indianapolis Public School System. Now IPS students aren't exactly known for their academic achievement and personal hygiene. I was a product of the system, so I thought I had an idea of what to expect.

I arrived at the school pretty early, just to prepare for the day. I was teaching a group of 4th Graders. Mistake. The teacher didn't leave a very good lesson plan, and I knew I would have to BS my way through the day. As the students arrived, I noticed that things hadn't changed much since I was in IPS: I was still the only white boy. Actually, I think there was a white girl too.

Anyways, that's not the point of this story. In the afternoon, I was fortunate enough to have the privilege of hosting all of the fourth grade boys as they received some much needed sexual education. The old maid who was sent to teach these young men about sex looked like the same woman who told me about "pubic regions," and "growth spurts." I really wish they would get a black man, or at least a man, to talk to the kids, but that's another story too.

So Mother Time begins her education with a video that has a theme song: "Just Around the Corner." As in, having hair on your weiner is "just around the corner." It looked like the video was made by college students who wanted to make a mockery of every sex ed tape ever made. The "Just Around the Corner" song sounded like something they would write on Saturday Night Live. It was a joke. I was trying not to laugh just as much as the kids. In one scene they had an animation of a naked boy going through puberty. The hair under his arms and around his genitals grew out like a chia pet in a matter seconds. It was hilarious.

After the video, Miss Thusela started a question and answer session. She actually expected these boys to talk to her and answer questions about ejaculations, semen, sperm, etc. It was obvious that the boys knew what she was talking about, but of course they weren't going to say anything. The only one who did was the brainiac in the class. He had his hand up for every question. He actually knew that a wet dream was called a "nocturnal emission." I'm pretty sure he got his "gluteus maximus" kicked at recess.

Okay, so after all of that, here's the best part: She starts drawing on the chalkboard.
"Okay, who can tell me what this is?" She draws the universal squiggly line with a round head.
Brainiac answers, "Sperm!!!"
"That's right. Now, who can tell me where sperm is stored?" Brainiac raises his hand again as she draws a perfect circle on the board.
"Someone besides brainiac, please?" The rest of the class was in tears from holding in their laughter, and no one was saying anything.
"Okay, I'll give you all a hint... It starts with a "T..."" Just as she finished writing the "T" on the chalkboard, one of the kids in the back row who could control himself no longer yelled out, "It's Yo Balls!!!"

All of the class looked back at me to see if he was going to be punished. Unfortunately, I'm too immature to be teaching fourth graders, and I was just about rolling on the floor with laughter. The whole class then erupted, and it was up to grandma to calm them down.

I knew from that point on that I would never make a good teacher.


--I actually found the video here--

"It's like wiping before you poop...It don't make no sense."

(Title quote from Larry the Cable Guy)

Once again I will tell a disturbing tale from a day in my life. Warning: The following topic may disgust some people.

I was with a few friends in college, and we got to talking (always a dangerous thing) about dumping. Well one of my friends, for whatever reason (I can't remember now), gave us a visual aid of how he wipes after he poops. He pretended to tear off a reasonable amount of toilet paper, then proceeded to stick his hand between his legs and wipe.

There was an awkward silence as a few of us tried to figure out what technique we had just witnessed. My friend started to go on with whatever story he was telling, and we were like, "Wait. Wait. Just wait a second now. How do you wipe?" He repeated his between-the-legs method, and I was shocked.

I had always assumed that all men wiped the same way: leaning to the side, and wiping from South to North. I tend to lean to the left, and wipe with the right hand. I'm not sure if that's universal, or if lefties do it differently. I had no idea that there were multiple methods.

Well, needless to say, we all started making fun of him right away. He tried to defend his method, but it just doesn't hold water. The main flaw in this method, for me, is that guys are blessed with "under clunder." It seems that "under clunder" would interfere with a clean wipe, and could get things messy. Also, I would think the hand may graze up against the rim of the bowl, which is to be avoided at all costs.

Anyways, so the whole event got me wondering if there are more methods. Another roommate of mine later said that he likes to wet some toilet paper to finish the job more thoroughly. At the risk of losing whatever integrity this blog may have had, I'm going to ask if anyone knows any other methods. What is your preferred method? Be creative, and have fun!

-Check out how this chick uses her toilet paper-

Hairy Men: Cheer it, or Shear it?

I hope you've all seen the Seinfeld episode where Jerry shaves his chest and is told by Kramer that it'll grow back twice as thick. If you haven't, it's hilarious. This is in fact a wive's tale as Jerry originally believes. Anyways, this episode is the unfortunate inspiration for this post. Reader beware: this post contains material that may upset your stomach and/or question your manhood.

I'm sure we've all had friends who have shaved their legs, or chest or back for one reason or another. I know swimmers who do it all the time. Oh, and I'm talking to the guys here. Of course we know women who shave their legs (hopefully).

This tale is my unfortunate encounter with someone who took shaving a bit too far in my opinion. It was a normal Friday afternoon in a college dorm like any other, where guys were finishing their last classes for the day, and preparing for a fun weekend to come. Myself and a few friends were in our dorm, when we heard a soft humming sound coming from the bathroom. We didn't think much of it, as there were many strange sounds that often came from this bathroom, and this particular sound seemed inoffensive in comparison.

Eventually I had to go use the little boy's room, and my life would never be the same. As I entered the bathroom, the humming noise go louder. I recognized the familiar sound of an electric shaver. Nothing wrong with that. But as I looked to my left, expecting to see a roommate cleaning up for the evening, I saw the raw backside "Steve." He was crouched in the corner with his back facing me, and he was looking over his shoulder like a little boy who's trying to hide something from his parents or something.

I said to Steve, "Steve. What in the name of all things holy are you doing?" Or something to that effect.
Steve: "Man, I'm just shaving my pubes."
Me: "Oh. Okay."
Right. So I went ahead and did my business, and left the room. As I told everyone else in the entire dorm what I had seen, we were all in agreement that this was not normal behavior. A few of us went back into the bathroom to confirm what I had seen, and to figure out why he was doing that.
Steve: "I've got a date tonight and you never know what could happen."
Oh, of course. Well, that explains everything. Okay, carry on then.
Well, we made fun of him for about a half hour or so. Then we made him sanitize the entire bathroom.

So now my question is: should Steve be considered a freak of nature? And believe me, he is, whether this instance warrants that definition or not. And also, shouldn't men just leave what God allows to grow alone? And also, what woman would Steve be doing this for? Don't answer that. Anyways, you don't have to answer any of these questions. I just thought it was a funny story. Please keep your comments as wholesome as possible.

Toilet Humor

I can remember at a very young age looking forward to reading clever anecdotes on the sides of the walls in bathroom stalls. Whenever we would take road trips, I would prefer to use stalls over urinals for three reasons:
1) The ability to flush without using my hands.
2) Less hairs and cigarette butts in the toilet.
3) Reading the clever anecdotes.

As a matter of fact, to this day I prefer stalls for the same reasons.

Now, like most things in a bathroom, you have to make your way through a lot of useless crap: All of the "Steve T. was here-12/25/04" and "For a good time, call Andrew Walker" or just the random "F yous" and other curse words. But for the determined stall seeker, if you look hard enough, you can find some real diamonds in the rough. Or "jewels in the turd" as a wise man once said.

Here are some of my personal favorites. Please leave a few of your own. Perhaps I'll make a top ten if I get enough responses.

1) Here I sit, all broken hearted. Tried to poop, but only farted.
2) (Placed on wall behind toilet) If you can read this sign, you should be using the urinal.
3) Here I sit in misty vapor, searching for some toilet paper. How much longer must I linger, before I have to use my finger.
4) I aim to please; you aim too please.
5) What are you looking on the wall for? The joke's in your hands.