The Sock Conspiracy

I'm walking down the street and a tall, lanky man strides into my view. As he approaches, I notice an oddly familiar pep in his step. The toothy grin on his face is infectious and I think to myself, "That is one happy man." He turns and winks at me. Suddenly, I understand. "You're wearing new socks," I say, as a matter of fact. "Mmm, hmmm..." he sings back at me, and he whistles on his merry way.

Ahhhh... There are few things more pleasurable than slipping on a warm pair of brand new socks. Something about the smooth way they hug your feet is darn near unbeatable. It's a proven fact that if you wear new socks, you will have a good day. Actually, I do believe Barack Obama was wearing new socks last Tuesday.

Here is a picture of Obama on Monday, where he was wearing old socks, but the mere thought of the new socks he would wear the next day brought a slight smile to his face.



And then here he is on Tuesday, with his brand new socks on.



But, alas. Like all of the most wonderful things in this world, that new sock feeling is a fleeting one. After that first day, your new socks begin to lose their luster. Suddenly, they don't hug as tight or look so bright. Your feet feel neglected and your heart is as empty as an old-worn-out sock.



You know what is incredible? We have gotten to the point where we can control things with our mind. It's true. We can wire our brains to computers and use technology to move things around.

But what good is technology if we can't make socks that stay glorious for more than one day? Honestly, why hasn't this happened? It seems simple compared with hooking computers to our brains. We should have easily figured it out by now.

I'll tell you why it doesn't exist. Here's a little clue:



That's right, it's a damn Sock Conspiracy!! Nobody ever thinks about it, because it's just a sock. But it could be so much more. The sock making companies know this. They also know that if they developed this technology, nobody would buy new socks anymore. That's why Willy Wonka isn't real. The fat cats who make candy would never really want an "everlasting" gobstopper.

If that doesn't get your blood boiling, think about this. Have you ever wondered why socks are shaped the way they are? You probably thought it was because your foot kind of looks like that. Well, you're wrong. Sock companies make socks a certain way, so that you'll be inclined to put it on your foot at the exact same place every time. Why is this? Obviously, everybody knows that the heel of the sock gets the most abuse and wears out the quickest. So the sock companies developed ways to make sure the sock threads supporting your heel will have to bear the brunt of the abuse every...single...time.

The shape of the sock isn't the only way they do this. They put patterns on the sock where the top of your foot is supposed to be, but leave the bottom blank. Dress socks are the best at this tactic.



If you don't believe me, try this. The next time you go to put on some socks, try purposely "putting them on wrong." I'll bet your feet won't know the difference. I swear, I'm wearing mine wrong right now, and my feet feel fine. My socks last about four times longer than they normally would.

So now you're thinking, "why would I want to keep wearing my old socks when the best thing about a sock is getting a new one?" Well, now you're just one step away from truly opening your mind.

Since sock companies don't want to develop the technology to make "everlasting new" socks, and have even gone so far as to force us to wear down the socks we have, the only way we can fight back is to wear our old socks as long as we possibly can. That will force competing sock companies to come up with the longest lasting, most comfortable sock known to man. Don't fall into their trap. Try using all of your sock, instead of just what the sock companies want you to use. It's the only way we'll get what we truly deserve in a sock.

Open your mind. Fight the Conspiracy.

Mandy Land

As you can imagine, we had quite an exciting men's group on Friday. We played an intense game of Mandy Land. I'm guessing you've never heard of Mandy Land. That's because we just invented it. I would love to meet the group of guys (if they somewhere exist) who have also played Mandy Land. I imagine they're probably also big fans of Man-Pong.

So you want to know how to play? Okay, here's what you'll need:

1) The game Candy Land.
2) One case of Stroh's or other cheap beer.
3) Two or more friends.
4) Plenty of time to sober up before driving anywhere.

Now you play the game according to Milton Bradley, but with the following Addendums:

1) Decide what "x" equals in amount of drinks to take (e.g. x= 2 drinks).
2) If a player moves ahead 4 places or less, he drinks x.
3) If a player moves ahead 5 places or more, he divvies out x times o (o= the number of opponents). So, four opponents would be 4x (or 8 drinks in our example), which can be passed out in any increment to any number of opponents.
4) If a player gets a double-card, moving ahead by two color pieces, he divvies out 2ox (i.e. 2*4*2= 16).
5) If a player lands on Rainbow Road or Gumdrop Pass, he divvies out 4ox (i.e. 4*4*2= 32).
6) If a player is stuck on a dot, he has to drink x on every turn he doesn't get out (I guess this falls under rule #2, but just to be sure, here it is).
7) If a player draws a card that moves him to a specific candy-region, he must choose one opponent. These two players must go head-to-head in roshambo; best of three. The loser of roshambo must drink 3x. The opponents who did not play roshambo must drink x.
8) When a player wins, the remaining losers must drink the following: 2nd=x, 3rd=2x, 4th=3x, etc.

Well, now you're ready to play your own game of Mandy Land. Brian won our game, cause he's a lucky turd who advanced to Queen Frostine. I may have these rules mixed up a bit, but part of the fun of the game is making up the rules as you go. If anyone else actually tries this, please let me know. Enjoy!

Birthday Brain Benders

In honor of today being the B-leb birthday, and because I'm once again too lazy to post something worthwhile, I'm just going to put up a couple of brain teasers in case you're bored and haven't seen these before. Be careful when reading any comments, as they may contain the answers. Hope you have fun.

Codes:

See if you can figure out how to decode the following messages. They all translate into, "All codes lead to Rome." As an example, to decode message #1, just move each letter back one space in the alphabet. The rest are much more difficult. (In case you're curious, I was able to get all but #5 in the time it takes me to go poo. So if you get #5, that means you're smarter than me. If you don't get the others, you're dumber than me.)

1) BMM DPEFT MFBE UP SPNF.
2) ZOO XLWVH OVZW GL ILNV.
3) AEL ALDCT OODR EO SMLE.
4) ACE ETOLO SAOM LD LDRE.
5) HPR URWGD HOVH GR FOOD.
6) AMN FSIKZ TNKO FB FDCV.


Bookshelf:

Pretend the following titles are on a bookshelf. You have to rearrange them so that the last letter of each title is the first letter of the next title. The last letter of the last title can be anything. The first and last title must begin with the same letter. Go.

1) Nerves
2) Respect
3) Ribbon
4) Shout
5) Titan
6) Tower

"How to Dress for Success" or "Why I Hate You, Mr. Formal Business Man"

Photo was taken from this site.

I'm sure you've all heard how it's important to "dress successful if you want to be successful." Or "dress for the job you want, not the one you've got." Or "never wear black shoes with a brown belt." Or "pink is the new black."

Let me begin by saying that unfortunately, in our current society, all of the above statements are true. People have even done extensive research to prove this point (evidence here: Dress to Impress). I'm not going to sit here and try to tell you that it isn't true.

What I am going to tell you is that I hate this fact. I have never been comfortable in formal attire and that will probably never change. Take a look at those two guys in the picture above. Nobody is ever that happy in a suit.

The worst thing about this "appropriate business attire" is that people who work in virtual dungeons and never have contact with other humans are still expected to wear this hideous garb. We've given up comfort because some moron decided that you are more professional if you are wearing six layers of clothing and constantly sweating on your upper lip.

Well, I'm sick of it. I should be comfortable at work. You should be too. You want to know why so many people want to start their own business? It's not for the money. It's the idea that you can wake up in the morning and head to work in a mumu and nobody can tell you you're not professional.

I'm ready for a revolution! I'm too lazy to start it myself, but hopefully you aren't! If you don't get fired first, then I'll be right behind you! Vive la Revolucion!



As a bonus, we could also save the planet. See this story.

Real American Justice?

America needs a better justice system. I don't think I'm saying anything that you would disagree with, as I've never heard anyone say, "The American system of justice RULZ!"

This is a problem that every society faces and one that will probably never be perfected. However, it amazes me that we have made such incredible advances in science and technology, but we still haven't figured out a way to make the risks of molesting a six year old outweigh the benefits. (yes, I know we're dealing with sick people who don't weigh the costs of their actions- it's just an example) That kind of crap still happens way too much and often by the same offender.

A recent example of this is Warren Central senior, Michael Bell, who "allegedly" raped a sixteen year old girl in a Warren Central stairwell. The seventeen year old boy rapist had been involved in an incident two years prior to this event, where he apparently tried to rape someone else.

If you want more examples, just glance through your local paper and read up on the offenders. I'll bet 80% of them have some kind of prior history related to their crime.

So, it seems we aren't doing enough to prevent this kind of crap from happening. Maybe we could ship all of our criminals to Australia? Like I said, I don't have any answers here, but I am encouraged by a couple of recent events that may take us a step in the right direction: Public humiliation.

First up is a story about a judge in Alabama, who sentenced two shoplifters to wear signs that read, "I AM A THIEF- I STOLE FROM WALMART." I happen to think that this is brilliant.



Next is a story about our good friend O.J. Simpson. O.J. was trying to eat some steak before the Kentucky Derby. The owner of the steakhouse (Jeff Ruby) said he would not serve Mr. Simpson and asked him (and his 12-man entourage) to leave the restaurant. "I didn't want to serve him because of my convictions of what he's done to those families."

This is also brilliant. I wish more owners and corporations would act with this kind of integrity.



Anyways, we're not changing the world here, but I like the idea of more public humiliation for our criminals. Not everyone is as recognizable as OJ, so we should brand them all; that way they can be recognized and avoided and discriminated against. I realize this isn't very forgiving, but I'm sick of hearing about rapists, murderers, molesters, and thieves.



(All photos and derivatives used without permission)

Referenced stories below:
Michael Bell rape

Walmart Thieves

OJ Gets Sacked

Gift Card Dispensers

I frequently find myself coming up with ideas that I think are genius. I'm sure you all do too, but mine really are. Anyways, I don't know what else to do with them, so you are free to hack my ideas and make money off of them. Most of my ideas are probably already stolen from others, or have already been invented and I just don't know it. As a landscaping technician, I had the brilliant idea of having a mulch blower that spreads mulch out of a huge tube. I guess it already exists.

So anyways, I was shopping this Christmas and thought of another great idea. First of all, money is just as valid a gift as gift cards are. Only better, because you're not restricted to one store. Sorry, just had to throw that in there.

So here's the idea. Someone should create big gift card dispensers to put in malls and large shopping centers. They could be next to coke machines, or maps, or just located at the entrance or any other convenient place. Then you put your credit card in (like at a gas station), select the store you want your card from, then punch in the amount you want on the gift card. The machine sets it all up electronically, then shoots out your gift card. You could do all your shopping in one stop.

Then you could have deals with other stores, so Wal-Mart could make a deal with Borders or whoever and put some of their gift cards in a store dispenser. People would go to Wal-Mart to do all their holiday shopping. It's seems easy enough to do.

Yeah, so that's pretty much it. Of course if you were really smart, you'd just do all your shopping online. And, Doug happened to write a relevant post on his blog yesterday. It's about buying and selling gift cards online. Check it out here.