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Jury Duty: Woohoo!!!

A couple of weeks ago, I was wandering through our daily mail, hoping for a check from Ed McMahon and Publisher's Clearing House; when before my wandering eyes should appear a letter from the state government, and eight tiny words, "Sir, you have been summoned for jury service." Oh joy.

If you've never been summoned for jury duty, you're missing out on quite an experience. I had never been, and was looking forward to it about as much as I look forward to sticking my tongue in a meat-grinder. It was honestly not all boring.

First they crammed us all in an assembly room that didn't have enough chairs, so people were standing or sitting on the floor. Well, actually they did have enough chairs, it's just that the elected councilmen who use that room refuse to let those summoned for jury service to sit in their virtual Lay-Z-Boys.

Then a group of us went into the courtroom to see if we would be selected to serve as jurors. I liked listening to people give reasons why they couldn't serve. My favorite was the lady who had to take someone to chemo the next day:
Judge: "Please rise and state your name."
Lady: "Lady." (I don't remember, and wouldn't tell if I did.)
J: "And why wouldn't you be able to serve on this case."
L: "I have to take someone in for chemo tomorrow morning."
"Chemotherapy?"
"Yes ma'am."
"And who is the person that you're taking in."
"Um, it's my dog ma'am."

I guess it was only funny to me becuase she was trying to avoid stating the fact that it was her dog going in. Anyways, it was funny at the time.

Then we got to hear the attorneys question all of the potential jurors. I never got to be questioned, which was very disappointing. I would have made a great juror. That part of the day was the least boring.

So after I sat and listened to them talk to everyone but me, they selected the twelve, and I was free to leave. I was proud to have been able to serve my country. And the best part is that I have been informed that I will receive 14 US Dollars as compensation for my services. So that after six dollars for parking, and the loss of a full day of work, I will actually be up about -$120 dollars or so.

I love jury duty.

Toilet Humor

I can remember at a very young age looking forward to reading clever anecdotes on the sides of the walls in bathroom stalls. Whenever we would take road trips, I would prefer to use stalls over urinals for three reasons:
1) The ability to flush without using my hands.
2) Less hairs and cigarette butts in the toilet.
3) Reading the clever anecdotes.

As a matter of fact, to this day I prefer stalls for the same reasons.

Now, like most things in a bathroom, you have to make your way through a lot of useless crap: All of the "Steve T. was here-12/25/04" and "For a good time, call Andrew Walker" or just the random "F yous" and other curse words. But for the determined stall seeker, if you look hard enough, you can find some real diamonds in the rough. Or "jewels in the turd" as a wise man once said.

Here are some of my personal favorites. Please leave a few of your own. Perhaps I'll make a top ten if I get enough responses.

1) Here I sit, all broken hearted. Tried to poop, but only farted.
2) (Placed on wall behind toilet) If you can read this sign, you should be using the urinal.
3) Here I sit in misty vapor, searching for some toilet paper. How much longer must I linger, before I have to use my finger.
4) I aim to please; you aim too please.
5) What are you looking on the wall for? The joke's in your hands.

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Life in the Shadows

ELECTION DAY 2004!

Whether you're voting for a Liberal Weiner or a Right Wing Nut Job, please vote today. That is all. Oh and check this out for an election day laugh:
Weiners and Nuts