Campbell's Soup is holding a competition between NFL team cities. All we do is vote for our favorite team, and that team wins a bunch of soup for the food bank of its choice. They agree to donate one can for every pound of player on the winning team. Apparently, you can vote multiple times.
Initially, I thought for sure that I would just vote for Indianapolis, because I live here and
I figured that the homeless in Jacksonville probably have it better off than the homeless in Buffalo, if only because the weather is better. Especially with winter knocking at our door. So maybe we should vote for the team who has the neediest of the needy. I think this is a good rule that we should follow. Therefore the following teams should be eliminated from consideration (due to warmer climate and therefore, less needy homeless. Obviously):
Next I thought that we should probably vote for the larger cities, because they may have the highest number of needy. But au contraire. If we only get so many soup cans, dividing them amongst a great number diminishes the value of each can. Therefore the needy receive less of a can than they might in a smaller city. We would only be whetting the appetite of already starving people. For shame! So we can therefore eliminate the following teams:
12)New York (Jets)
13)New York (Giants)
We've now successfully eliminated half of our options. So I went to the website and looked at who was actually in contention. There are really only four teams who stand a chance, so we can eliminate the following:
Green Bay has won every time thus far, so they should be eliminated on the grounds that their homeless are well fed.
Any homeless who are stupid enough to stay in Pittsburgh during the winter don't deserve any free soup, so we can eliminate them with a clean conscience.
That leaves two teams: Cincinnati and Indianapolis. Since the homeless "get paid" on a per pound basis, wouldn't the greater good be to vote for the team that has the most girth? That way we can guarantee the most soup per homeless man.
??!! Good Lord! Any team that weighs roughly 2,600 pounds more than another has a serious problem! Try eating half of your normal diet and giving the rest to the needy in your community for pete's sake! Selfish animals. Clearly we cannot vote for a team this gluttonous. They could easily provide for their homeless if they would stop feeding the Shamu-sized appetites of their NFL players.
So we can unmistakably see that the best way to provide the most soup to the neediest of people is to vote for Indianapolis. I encourage you all to take the time to vote for our fair city and its needier inhabitants. Even if you don't live in Indy, it's clearly your duty to vote for us. Otherwise, how could you possibly sleep at night?
So vote now! Click here to vote...For Indianapolis!
PS-They also give out soup for the most improved team. Indy is in the running for that, so we really need the votes. We could possibly get double the soup, which is another reason to vote for us. Spread the word!!!